Help, am on overload here and really struggling. Please help

[fizzbuzz]

Dp's father died 3 weeks ago. Dp is obviously devastated and in a mess. I have tried to help him as much as I can, but simply have too much to do.

We have 3 ds's between us, who do nothing in the house unless really pushed, and treat it like a student house. Eg if bin is full, they carry on shoving stuff in, never think of emptying it, leave mess and dishes everywhere. They are 20, 17 and 13.

Dd has been ill(10 months old) and I looked after her whilst dp was sorting out funeral arrangements etc. I caught what she had, and was v ill myself, whilst dealing with her on my own. Since then she has been a nightmare sleeper, and won't settle. Her routine is completely shot.

My evenings consist of, collecting dd from cm about 4.45pm, getting in, unpacking her stuff, tidying shit up left by everyone else, trying to get her down for a late afternoon nap (she won't go) Starting bath routine, bottle and then rest of evening running up and downstairs to her, whilst dp is on phone to various relatives. I don't have time to make tea for me or ds, and no one ever offers. I then end up going to bed early with her in our bed so she will sleep.

I have told dp to help me sort out a rota, and for him to get his son's on board with it. He says he is not up to it, and it doesn't make any difference anyway.

I have helped dp as much as I can, he gets to lie in and stuff like that, but I cannot do everything. He says he feels resentful because he can't grieve because dd is demanding attention, and house like a shithole. I understand this, but also feel resentful because that is exactly how I feel with no one to help me at all.

I also went back to work full time last week, and it is all too much to cope with. I want to help dp and look after him, but on the other hand I can't do everything, I just can't.

He seems to find comfort with going to stay with his family, which again i understand, but it leaves me once again on my own dealing with shit.

So, what do I do? I cannot do everything, and have been holding it together for 3 weeks now. Last night I tried to get dd to sleep in her own cot, and sat next to her for 3 hours fron 2.30, until 5.15 am, and she wouldn't settle, so eventually she came in with us. Dp still got lie in though

Any advice? Before I end up going mad

I had to stop typing this, because dp came in. I hate myself for sounding so selfish, but it is about survival really. If I go down as well then we are Also my mum died 12 months ago, and I am still trying to deal with that.

I want to help dp, but just can't do everything.

Oh you poor thing obviously you need some sort of help.
The first thing i would do i'm afraid is to lay the law down to the ds ,at 20,17 and 13 they should be more than pulling their weight round the house,2 of them are adults.Until the oldest ones start doing stuff then i wouldn't do anything for them.They should be trying to support their dad whilst he is grieving.
Do you have relatives or a friend nearby that could mind your dd for a while or help you with the shopping or ironing?

Whereabouts do you live?
Have you spoken to your HV?
You could call Homestart ,they could help out a bit i imagine.

You sound like you have a hell of a lot to deal with. And, 12 months is not a long time for you to deal with the death of your own mum. It absolutely is not. Whilst your DP is areally suffering with his own emotions, you must look after yourself, as you need support too. I lost my mum v recently and have been acutely aware on how my own behvaiour and stress etc has impacted on my D.

Do you have friends around who can help with your LO? or family of your own near by? Could you talk to your employers and explain things, ask for some flexibility in hours/weeks/phased return due to personal circumstances, or is that to much? (is it a new job, or returning to old one after mat leave?)

And, its just a suggestion, and it might not be right for you, but its worth considering. Maybe talk to your GP, and take some time off work with stress? Just to give you some breathing space of your own, get on top of things, rest yourself, which you really do need. It may not be poss if your work does not pay full pay sick etc.

And for what its worth, it sounds like you are remarkable .

Can the cm keep your daughter for an extra hour or so - just long enough for you to go home and do a quick tidy?

20 and 17 year olds can do their own laundry, if they don't already. Give them each a job, eg 20 year old: empty the bin every morning. 17 year old: wash upbreakfast things.

Meal plan - if they aren't there to eat, put it in the freezer. Get a lock for the fridge.

Tell your dp that, grieving though he is, life is going on without him. You will be better disposed to give him time and attention when he helps look after your dd, because you won't be permanently exhausted.

Tragic though his loss is, sometimes you have to force yourself to put stuff on hold where children are concerned, just in the short term.

I'm guessing you did too much of putting stuff on hold when your mum died. Your dh might be seeing the effect that had on you, and going to the other extreme himself. His losing a parent is obv dragging back a ton of unhappy memories for you.

It's all a big shitter at the moment, but this situation won't last forever.

I agree you sound amazing to deal with all this and whilst you are still grieving for your mom.

Just read lmp's post.

Huge apologies for my insensitively put 'putting it on hold' comment. I've lost both my parents and it is hard to 'switch off' I know.

What I mean is, sometimes you have to drag yourself out of the depths in order not to have too negative an influence on children/family. I do know this is much easier said than done, obv.

I also think that if you're aware of that (like lmp, but maybe not fb's dp) no lasting damage is going to be done. It's just really hard at the time.

Also, really sorry about your losing your mums, lmp and fb.

GMHL - I dont thnk your comment was insensitive - I 'put on hold' my own grief for the last few months to concentrate on my own family - it often takes time to deal with things...

Thanks lmp.

Fizzbuzz - selfish is the last thing you are.

Thanks for all your kind messages, they all made me cry

Have had chat with dp, and we agreed that they need to do something. They are all nice kids, but blinkered teenagers IYKWIM. However they will help willingly when asked, I think I lost sight of that in all the confusion.

Work were not helpful, as I asked if I could extend my mat leave, and management wouldn't oblige, although all colleagues by this.

Ironing goes to ironing service (£10.00 for 40 items .

Can you contact Homestart yourself or do you need referral from GP? Am currently on ad's to help me with death of my own mum, and think these are helping a bit with horrid situation. My family have helped as much as they could, but of course all have jobs, homes to run etc, and dp's family too shellshocked.

If I could just sort out little madams sleep problems, it would be much easier. She was ill night after her grandad died, and has been a little chuff re sleeping ever since. She used to be a fantstic sleeper until now. Have tried cc crying, she just gets hysterical, have tried gradual retreat method, but ended up sitting there for 3 hours last night, don't know what else to try....could hv help do you think?

Also as Grand master pointed out, dd was born 10 weeks after my mum died, so had almost no time to grieve, and it is very hard, as all memories are coming back. Although if my mum were here, she would tell me just to get on with it!

Fizz - have you considered going to Cruse? For some support?
I have my first appt on Tuesday. I could let you know how it went?
I thought I coped fine with mum's death in Jan, until about 3 weeks ago, when I 'lost it', just could not stop. I had DD 6 months before mum went, am getting married, had work troubles. My Gp was great, talked through time delays, esp with new children arriving, and she said she would recomment cruse counselling to everyone who suffers a bereavement, esp a close one like a mum. She told me that it can take up to two years for the grieving processes to start, and longer than that to come to terms with loss, but it gets easier, and understanding the processes could help.

Of course, maybe you have considered this and ruled it out already, or already have seen them. Its just an idea, as if, as you say, you have not allowed yourself time to deal with your own mum, this is likely going to have a big impact on you. And maybe it would anyway. Dp's dad passed away 2 years ago, and he was close to my mum, so he is also grieving whilst supporting me.

More than all this waffle of mine, I want to say I am glad you talked with your DH, and I hoped you can get your boys to start pulling their weight and take the pressure off...and that your employers are not compassionate.

Are you not allowed by law to take 6 months Additional Maternity Leave should you wish to?

Sorry - I am LMP! I changed my name back to my normal one, as I kept getting confused about who was talking to me! and now I have forgotten that I changed it back!

Hi Fizz, just seen this.

We away away from tomorrow for a week, but will be back next Sat. Can I make you a couple of meals, or have DD overnight for you then, so you can have a bit of space? (I really mean it, am happy to help). PLease let me know if there is anything practical I can do to help.

Thanks Panda, meals would be a huge help tbh, just one.

Have had full entitlement to mat leave so can't take anymore. Have had 2 long absences from work, + a lot of other ones ( I am a teacher, and constantly get infected by all kids' germs as do all colleagues)so simply dare not take any time off).

I have spoken to Cruse in the past, and would like to in future. However at moment don't want to keep going over Mum's death with someone else, and sort of dredge it up at this time. I will think about it for future when I have time and energy to spare, but can't afford to go down at moment, and feel talking it over will cause this. Am trying to put it to back of my mind whilst I just get on with trying to survive!

Bil and Sil came round, and had huge moan to sil which has made me feel lots better, so feel a bit more chilled about it......for the moment.

Thanks for all your kind help and support, it has been a huge help.

Thanks Panda, meals would be a huge help tbh, just one.

Have had full entitlement to mat leave so can't take anymore. Have had 2 long absences from work, + a lot of other ones ( I am a teacher, and constantly get infected by all kids' germs as do all colleagues)so simply dare not take any time off).

I have spoken to Cruse in the past, and would like to in future. However at moment don't want to keep going over Mum's death with someone else, and sort of dredge it up at this time. I will think about it for future when I have time and energy to spare, but can't afford to go down at moment, and feel talking it over will cause this. Am trying to put it to back of my mind whilst I just get on with trying to survive!

Bil and Sil came round, and had huge moan to sil which has made me feel lots better, so feel a bit more chilled about it......for the moment.

Thanks for all your kind help and support, it has been a huge help.

ok Fizz, email me with your likes and dislikes, and I will cook early next week (after half term).

Also happy to come and help you do some housework if there is a job that is getting you down that you don't want to tackle on your own? - a good friend did this for me quite recently as I was getting dwon about the state of my kitchen, having someone there with me really helped

Fizzbuzz-your health visitor should be able to contact the Homestart team on your behalf.
I'm glad that you have had a chance to talk with your dp,somehow when things are shared they seem easier .

Nice one PandaG

Fizz - I am glad you feel a little better, for now at least. Glad that you are taking Panda up on her offer to cook for you, hopefully ir will take the pressure off a little.
A teacher - wow, thats tough enough with a little baby as it I am sure! You sound even more remarkable now!!! You have much respect from me for handling the most amount of stress and juggling.

Same old * story this am. Got up with dd at 6.00am and 8.00am.

Dishwasher full, bin full, I feel like walking out and taking dd with me.

At a time when I want to help dp more than anything, it is actually pushing me away, and all domestic crap taking over everything.

Refused to go on family meal because I am just so pissed off and furious about it all.

Eg, yesterday, went to Tesco 2.30pm. Came back put Dd down in cot. Emptied diswasher, started marathon cooking session for dd as no one ever coooks anything usually except me, so I have to make and freeze all her food. Marathon cooking session ended about 8.00pm, with break to feed dd. Emptied dishwasher all time. Everyone else sat on their fat asses all day.

Dp bathed dd and put her to bed. I sat down about 8.45pm. Wanted to wash hair but too late.

Wanted to wash hair this morning, but have tpo wait until dd is awake as bathroom next to her bedroom and she is a light sleeper.
Dp got up at 9.50 to leave house at 10.00am. No time for me to do anything about getting myself clean and washed.

Family probably all wondering where I am, but am so pissed off with whole thing.

Am I selfish?

Fizz - you are not being selfish in the slightest.
Under normal circumstances, without the added pressure of bereavement, you would have the right to be pissed off for not being given even enough time to get yourself feeling cleaned and freshened.
With the added pressures of being there for your dp, and being in the position of not being able to 'lose your rag' so openly, perhaps, and with your dp putting himself into a bubble and leaving you to deal with absolutely everything, you are even more unselfish.

I dont want to sound harsh, or unsympathetic. I know this is very very hard for your dp to have to deal with, the loss of his father. But, he has a family who need him. You, his sons, his daughter. He simply cannot just give up and leave it to you to do it all. He cant opt out.
I have wanted to behave this way, the way your dp is right now. But if I did, my dp would be doing everything, and he does plenty already. and we only have one child. It would ruin us. Things are tense enough at the moment without that on top.

He needs to understand that you cannot support him with his grief if he gives you no time to look after yourself, or help with looking after your children and the house.

Would going away, for a couple of days be an option? Maybe the family need to realise quite how much they rely on you and need you, and how little more you yourself can cope with?

I am sorry you are under so much pressure Fizz. I wish I could do something to help .

You are not selfish and are completley normal for feeling so pissed off and stressed. The older boys need to get their act together, sorry they are such a pain in the backside . They need to do their fair share round the house I hope you can find the energy to give them a kick up the backside, is there anything you can stop doing for them? They are old enough to feed themselves (and tidy up afterwards) and wash their own clothes at the very least. I know that doesn't solve everything but it might give you some breathing space. It must be so hard for you but I wish you the best and hope things become easier very soon.

They do own washing (well eldest does) and get their own food some of the time. The problem is clearing up, they will put stuff in diswasher if it is empty, otherwise evrything piles up in sink, and this is the thing that is pushing me over edge completely. The last straw I suppose....

Anyway, I have gone on strike. Didn't empty dishwasher nor bin today.I intend to go on in this manner.....

oh Fizz, sounds like you're going through hell hun (((((((((hug)))))))

I can relate a bit to what you are going through, as I have teens, plus they are going through a massive bereavement (their dad, sudden death). Teens/young people just seem to have a lazy default button, and they aren't going to be doing anything unless it is laid out sergeant major style what you won't do for them any more.

Sorry, but dp sounds a bit self-indulgent at mo. That sounds SO harsh. I know that if there is ever a time to feel sorry for yourself it's when you lose a parent... but he's not living on his own, and the weight he's not carrying is crushing YOU. As you say, you CAN'T do everything. As for thinking you are being selfish... HELLO!! No, you're NOT being selfish. YOu're trying to support dp, who is wallowing.

For what it's worth, I have been pushed to cut right back with everything I have been doing for my kids. It's drastic - a bit like starting all over again, only adding things when I'm satisifed everyone has got the message. I've done this bcs I was just so deeply unhappy and stressed. I felt sorry for my kids, and they have turned into flaccid layabouts who think the world owes them something. Well, that's not true.

You could take you and your kids and leave him and his kids to sink in the shit, and go and stay somewhere quiet and supportive (fingers crossed you've got somewhere)? Getting a bit of space will help you anyway, and dp won't die if you go away for a bit, even if it's just a w/e. Sorry work are being unsupportive.

In my experience of being around bereaved people who are wallowing, you've got to be really tough (brutal) or you all go under. I know I sound harsh, but being kind to my kids was a disaster (for me AND them).