Help, am on overload here and really struggling. Please help

[fizzbuzz]

Dp's father died 3 weeks ago. Dp is obviously devastated and in a mess. I have tried to help him as much as I can, but simply have too much to do.

We have 3 ds's between us, who do nothing in the house unless really pushed, and treat it like a student house. Eg if bin is full, they carry on shoving stuff in, never think of emptying it, leave mess and dishes everywhere. They are 20, 17 and 13.

Dd has been ill(10 months old) and I looked after her whilst dp was sorting out funeral arrangements etc. I caught what she had, and was v ill myself, whilst dealing with her on my own. Since then she has been a nightmare sleeper, and won't settle. Her routine is completely shot.

My evenings consist of, collecting dd from cm about 4.45pm, getting in, unpacking her stuff, tidying shit up left by everyone else, trying to get her down for a late afternoon nap (she won't go) Starting bath routine, bottle and then rest of evening running up and downstairs to her, whilst dp is on phone to various relatives. I don't have time to make tea for me or ds, and no one ever offers. I then end up going to bed early with her in our bed so she will sleep.

I have told dp to help me sort out a rota, and for him to get his son's on board with it. He says he is not up to it, and it doesn't make any difference anyway.

I have helped dp as much as I can, he gets to lie in and stuff like that, but I cannot do everything. He says he feels resentful because he can't grieve because dd is demanding attention, and house like a shithole. I understand this, but also feel resentful because that is exactly how I feel with no one to help me at all.

I also went back to work full time last week, and it is all too much to cope with. I want to help dp and look after him, but on the other hand I can't do everything, I just can't.

He seems to find comfort with going to stay with his family, which again i understand, but it leaves me once again on my own dealing with shit.

So, what do I do? I cannot do everything, and have been holding it together for 3 weeks now. Last night I tried to get dd to sleep in her own cot, and sat next to her for 3 hours fron 2.30, until 5.15 am, and she wouldn't settle, so eventually she came in with us. Dp still got lie in though

Any advice? Before I end up going mad

As you've only just returned to work full time, surely the DSs won't be surprised if you sit them down and talk them through what now needs to be done by somebody other than you? Can you write out a list of regular jobs to be tackled (e.g. bins, emptying dishwasher, hoovering etc) and then ask them to choose one or two each? Plus would the family finances stretch to having a cleaner? It really sounds like you could do with one atm. Would one of the boys be interested in doing it for cash?

So sorry you're having such a sh*tty time

i think instead of blaming your dp, you should get a rocket up your kids arses. they are plenty old enought tohelp and there are enoguh of them.

I don't know if he is being self indulgent, he is doing stuff a bit. I think he is just stunned. Grief can be so numbing.

I have tried to help him mainly by taking dd off him as much as poss. However I have now been accused of being unsupportive as he went to a church service which his brother was unable to stay in as it upset him too much. So he left the service supported by his wife. I didn't think taking dd would be a good idea as she would grizzle big time, but now I am being unsupportive. Am I supposed to split myself in 2?

We had a horrible row last night which would have been awful in normal circs, but in present circs was terrible. He accused me of being unupportive, because I won't drag dd evrywhere with him. She has been a nightmare lately, and I need to get her back on track to make it easier for everyone, but this is being unsupportive.

I was also having a bad day re my mum yesterday, as this has brought it all back. I didn't tell him, as I didn't want to overload him, but when I mentioned it in the argument, he just overode it as it "was a year ago"

Thanks for all your kind replies, he is normally a very unselfish kind man, but is just in his own world a bit at the mo....

Agree with Humphrey. Sit those teenagers down and give them jobs. They are capable. Make up a schedule with them. Bottom line, everyone lives there, so everyone needs to contribute in some way. Good Luck

Teenagers are lazy but they need to help you read them the riot act and give them all jobs they need to do each week.
Dont worry about dp he is just taking his feelings out on you.
Hope everything works out xx

What I find with my kids is that I am so exhausted it's hard to get the headspace to work out a rota etc. Though tbh in the end you just BLOW and that's when a good rota gets put in place, sergeant major style LOL. I tend to think it works best when you strip everything right back iyswim, then add 'treats' etc when they show they've got the gist of what is expected of them. They WILL take the piss - it's in their DNA

Maybe you should remind him that yes it was a year ago but you still have not had time to grieve as you are constantley busy and seeing him so upset and grieving makes you realise you have never had this oppertunity to do so.

When you said about your dd having late nap, could this possibly be stopped and as soon as you get in give her her tea, bath bottle in the hope she will be soo tired she will fall straight to sleep and try to keep to that routine so then you can settle her then come down to tidy up, unpack bags and sort tea for yourself (and others if you felt they deserved it!)
Maybe speak to eldest son re concerns, try to make him behave like an adult and explain that DP is grieving and you need support in the house from another adult to assist with afew things? It may make him behaive more as an adult and be aware that you are struggling. Otherwise, unplug dishwasher, remove all crockery and give everyone there own cup, plate, cutlery and tell them if they want somethign else to eat/drink they will HAVE to wash up after themselves!
Men do live on another planet and dont see all the chores we do. Your husband is also suffering a great deal too at the moment and I think you should let time heal that but I do think he needs to understand that you never had your time to grieve and tell him how he is feeling is how you felt last year. Maybe he will understand.

Well thanks once again, for all your kind advice. It has got me through a horrible period, which is not over yet, but is improving

Dishwasher emptied twice in last day by the fairies (ie not me), so something is getting through. Meal rota now in place, so can see a glimmer of light!!

Dd continues to be a monster re sleep, and refuses to settle all evening and tbh this is now hardest thing of all.

I think everything reached a head on Saturday, and has now got better after stern words.

Meanwhile am off to read "Sleep is for the Weak" thread. Particularly want to get hold of Cruisemum. Thanks once again so much for all your help xx