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Original poster

Help to get through the next 5 hours at work without exploding

42 replies

USER11121 · 04/07/2018 13:38

Okay, here goes... quite embarrassing really, only posted yesterday how we were looking to get married..blaaaaah!! Sad

Let me start by saying I know this is ridiculous and I only have myself to blame for it getting this far by putting up with it.

So... partner was messaging this girl the other week in a kind of shady secret like way. She has popped up a few times, sending him winky faces and things that obviously I don't know what the conversation has been before hand. I went into his phone and blocked her a few weeks ago. Hard to admit that because I should have walked away then. Anyway he has found a new way to contact her. I haven't seen him yet today as we have both been working.

Finish in just under 5 hours, but I know there will be people in the house when I get home (garden currently being revamped). I don't want to text him that I know because I want to see his reaction in person however I don't want to cause a scene while we have people round. I have no hard evidence because he deletes everything but my gut feeling is too strong.

My heart feels like it's going to explode! I feel like breaking down at work.

Help me stay calm please. I feel sick! I'm so angry and hurt. Anyone got any success stories of moving on from this? Sad Sad

OP posts:
heatwave2018 · 04/07/2018 13:40

This is a big red flag, I would advise walking away as he will never stop messaging her

underthebluemoon · 04/07/2018 13:43

Leave him. He's not worth it. What a creep.

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 13:44

I mean this in the kindest way possible (and having come out of a divorce and other nasty/messy break ups): why the eff is your heart exploding over a guy that treats you like this?

You are better than him. Don't give a shit about people that don't give a shit about you.

Secondly, back up: you are NOT to blame for this. You haven't been a bad person; you've just been human enough to trust someone.

Thirdly: distraction is easy! Post on here and chat away to us!

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 13:46

If you don't want to cause a scene for any other reason than YOU yourself don't like being that public (i.e. this isn't about saving his face), I'd ditch that notion right now. He did this; he can reap what he sows. If you'd feel better getting it over and done with as soon as you get home, then, in the words of everyone on Love Island, crack on.

Look out for yourself. You'll be right as rain in no time at all - I promise.

MrsPepperpot79 · 04/07/2018 13:54

You are right to be angry and hurt. Only you know if you can move on - and I suspect his reaction will be the key.

In terms of success stories - um, ish in my case. DP was messaging another woman, I found the texts. Went from friendly to flirty to dirty, from once a month to three of four a day. I confronted. He claimed he wasn't doing anything, then said it was banter, then finally admitted this had been going on for ever (even when I was pregnant) & said he was sorry I was hurt. He deleted her, said I could check his phone whenever I wanted.

A year on: we are together still and doing ok. However the complete trust I had is still missing - I don't ask to check his phone but periodically will do so if he leaves it around. I now worry because he now deletes most of his text conversations. I still don't believe he told me the whole truth (her name for starters). BUT, he is loving, I believe he never did anything physically, and I do still love him enough to not split up my family over a few texts. On the other hand, I have two DC's to whom he is a great stepdad (they have never known me with anyone else, including their own father), and a toddler with DP. If I'd been single/less invested financially and emotionally, I would have walked.

So, you can go on. But it does change things. Breathe, and try to approach it calmly (my hysterical confrontation didn't help things!). And listen to your gut - you will know when the truth is spoken and only you can decide if you can live with the emotional fall out.

Original poster
USER11121 · 04/07/2018 13:57

Thanks for all the fast responses. Distraction is what I need right now, work should be that but I can't get my head into it!

I don't know why I feel like this. Why don't I hate him!

I don't like causing a scene myself. I'd be really embarrassed as the people in the house will probably gossip around town. Also, because there is no evidence of it being shady he will make out I'm being crazy. I know this because he was talking to someone before and said it was innocent but deleted her anyway because he said he didn't care about the friendship with her either.

He won't stop will he? If it's not her, it will be someone else.

If it feels too good to be true it usually is isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
USER11121 · 04/07/2018 14:01

MrsPepperpot79 - Thanks for the insight. I obviously don't trust him or wouldn't have blocked her in the first place.

Of course it's so different when children are involved. We do have a house and an 'engagement' recently announced but far easier than having children involved.

I'm sorry to all of you that have had to feel like this. It's so selfish!! Sad Flowers

OP posts:
ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 14:04

What's 'too good' in all of this? You don't get paranoia from nowhere. You should anxious, fraught, miserable, and unable to concentrate at work.

From what you've posted, it's a done-deal. There's plenty of evidence. He's up to no good and gaslighting you to boot. You're not being crazy; he's being bizarre.

Walk.

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 14:06

*you sound

Sorry - impassioned typing!

Also, don't worry about an engagement. My friend called off her wedding 4 days beforehand just last month, and she's so glad she did (albeit she's beating herself up about how she let it get that far). I wish I had had the balls to call off my wedding - far easier to cancel an engagement than file for divorce, OP.

Original poster
USER11121 · 04/07/2018 14:10

Fair point. It's not too good really.

He's amazing as a boyfriend besides this, if that makes sense? Does everything so right! We have had the best few years together. I think we may have had one fight the whole time we have been together. We were so in love........that's what I thought anyway. Such a fool to think this was real.

OP posts:
weehedgehog · 04/07/2018 14:14

It doesn't really matter what he's doing or not doing with the other woman at this point.

What matters right now is that he is disregarding your feelings. He doesn't care if it upsets you. This is what you should be angry about.

Original poster
USER11121 · 04/07/2018 14:29

Another fair point. He doesn't care really does he.

How can someone tell you they love you 3/4 times a day and have absolutely no meaning behind it?

Takes a lot for people to come back from situations like this and be able to trust someone again.

Why not get up and leave.. that's the part I don't understand! I really don't get how you can make someone feel so worthless yet carry on as if nothing is happening. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night!

OP posts:
MrsPepperpot79 · 04/07/2018 14:48

generally, it seems they can do this with messaging as "it's not really cheating as i didn't stick my dick in her". Except it still hurts, and I tend to view it as if they are prepared to message like that, then it's only opportunity that's lacking.

If they can come to understand WHY you're hurt, ok, you have something to work with. If they just don't get it you'd be better of beating your head against a brick wall.

Elasticity · 04/07/2018 14:50

Could just be a mate

trojanpony · 04/07/2018 14:58

I agree with mrspepperpot79 but would add he has already shown you he really doesn’t care about you or your feelings.

For me the trust would be gone and my relationship as i knew it would be over.

If you don’t leave him now, he’ll be doing this (and more) in a few years time. Cut your losses

Original poster
USER11121 · 04/07/2018 15:03

It is true it could be a mate, why is he hiding it if so? Why is he deleting all the messages, and then not explaining the faces that come through at the end of the conversation? Why is going out of his way to stay in contact with her and not mentioning any of it? Elasticity - there is nothing more I would want than that, but in reality I'm being very naïve.

He knows it hurts as we have had it before. Clearly this time he thinks its more secretive.

I feel like I'm majorly overreacting the more I think about when I see him later and explain why without any hard evidence! I feel like I'm walking away from my everything without a true reason.

I don't want to control who he speaks to or pull him up on every single female. It feels like I'm doing exactly that now. It's going to end in hurt eventually isn't it.

OP posts:
weehedgehog · 04/07/2018 15:06

if it is just a mate - even worse. He disregards your feelings for 'just a mate'. Most likely he's shagging her and has checked out of your relationship...hence the cold nature and complete disregard for you. The evidence you need is exactly that - his disregard. You have plenty from your posts.

I suspect he is hoping that YOU will end it, so he can blame YOU for ending the relationship. It's a win win for him, and he's a bastard not only for completely disregarding you, but also for not having the guts to finish it. Check out the cheater's script...scroll down to the end.

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 15:08

Let's take one heck of a leap of faith and say it is a friend...that he's deliberately being vague and ambiguous with you = emotionally abusive. That alone is reason enough to sprint away from him.

People who tell the truth go out of their way to prove their innocence.

If someone accused you of shoplifting, would you be coy?

The quicker you ditch his ass, the less it'll hurt.

weehedgehog · 04/07/2018 15:11

Yes, it'll hurt, but don't underestimate the sense of relief when he's gone and he won't belittle your feelings anymore.

Original poster
USER11121 · 04/07/2018 15:13

I've wondered this before weehedgehog if he does things so I will walk away and he doesn't look like a bastard for hurting me. In this instance he can tell everyone I'm crazy. Without total proof.. how can I argue with that. The fact you have just said it makes me feel even more sick. It all appears that way doesn't it.

He won't go out of his way to prove himself. Instead he'll tell me I'm mental and its me he wants to be with. This time I'm prepared. I've sat on this all afternoon.

Damn its going to hurt, but it won't hurt forever will it? My stomach is doing back flips!

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 04/07/2018 15:14

I think you already dont trust him - which will make this relationship hard to salvage. Has he cheated before? There must have been cause for concern for you to check his phone - because thats not normal behaviour.

How is he contacting her now, and how do you know about it?

weehedgehog · 04/07/2018 15:19

He might...but who cares what he is telling people. Nobody in their right mind would think someone would call off a wedding for no reason or just for 'being crazy'. Why would you!
And your reasons are valid enough: he doesn't care about your feelings, has no respect for you and messaging another woman.

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 15:25

Completely agree with weehedgehog

Besides, people will see the positive change in you after you leave him...that'll tell them all there is to it.

Your stomach will be in knots and you'll feel ill, but you'll find yourself having the conversation with him/leaving and that'll be it. The next day you'll wake up with a tremendous feeling of empowerment...and, frankly, glee at never having to tolerate his crap again.

Go and live your life with someone you deserve.

He will beg you to take him back. Too little, too late.

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 15:29

"he'll tell me I'm mental and its me he wants to be with."

Well, then he could have done that instead of texting this girl and making you feel like you were going crazy. Heck, that's what a friend would do...so why not your fiance?

And don't worry about 'evidence' - you don't need it. 'I don't enjoy this' is reason/evidence enough for you to leave.

SleepWarrior · 04/07/2018 15:33

Not having arguments doesn't necessarily mean domestic bliss - it can just be that one or both partners will do anything to avoid conflict. That set up is no more healthy than bickering and rowing about everything under the sun.

You aren't married yet. However you feel about your relationship now you need to be prepared to feel like for a very long time if you marry this man. Even if he isn't cheating, do you want secrecy, suspicion and mutual distrust to be the undercurrent to your marriage? A wedding does not change the nature of your relationship, although it's very easy to kid yourself that 'he wants to marry me' = happily ever after.

I remember naively thinking that I'd we were husband and wife I wouldn't feel nearly so insecure, because the very fact that he'd wanted to marry ME and share that special ceremony must count for a lot. It only does if you're both in the same place, with the same values and goals before the wedding. His sneakiness, whoever he's talking to, shows that you two are not Flowers