Help to get through the next 5 hours at work without exploding

[USER11121]

Okay, here goes... quite embarrassing really, only posted yesterday how we were looking to get married..blaaaaah!!

Let me start by saying I know this is ridiculous and I only have myself to blame for it getting this far by putting up with it.

So... partner was messaging this girl the other week in a kind of shady secret like way. She has popped up a few times, sending him winky faces and things that obviously I don't know what the conversation has been before hand. I went into his phone and blocked her a few weeks ago. Hard to admit that because I should have walked away then. Anyway he has found a new way to contact her. I haven't seen him yet today as we have both been working.

Finish in just under 5 hours, but I know there will be people in the house when I get home (garden currently being revamped). I don't want to text him that I know because I want to see his reaction in person however I don't want to cause a scene while we have people round. I have no hard evidence because he deletes everything but my gut feeling is too strong.

My heart feels like it's going to explode! I feel like breaking down at work.

Help me stay calm please. I feel sick! I'm so angry and hurt. Anyone got any success stories of moving on from this?

I don't from how he acts. I'm sure he thinks I'm stupid! I'm always pretty much a step ahead of him.

He was using one form of social media and now he's using another (he's only just friended her on there because he can't make contact on the other)

That's very true, either that or it'll look like I've found someone else doing it all so suddenly. I need to keep telling myself I have actually done nothing wrong here. I would not dream of opening my phone and feeling like I had to hide whatever it was I was doing. I would never hurt him like that or want to make him feel so inadequate.

Ah no op. Spending your life with someone who gaslights you will make you feel like you're going to explode every day. Don't spend your life like this.

Fair point. From what you say probably not just a mate... sorry

SleepWarrior -Thanks for a response. That's probably true now I think about it. Probably more toxic because we just skirting round everything like it's not even happening.

This isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life. I'm competing for his attention. I give him everything I have.

I keep thinking exactly that, he wants to marry me. I'll trust him for sure, we'll be married??! As if married people don't stray!

OP, it sounded (even from your first post) that you'd actually made your mind up, but that you wanted permission or reassurance from us that it was ok to break up with him. Is that fair to say?

If so, it is ok. You just need to give yourself permission.

I married a gaslighter. I too was worried about the gossip if I left him. The night of the day I left him and got to walk into a space without him in was one of the happiest of my life, if not the happiest.

You haven't done anything wrong from what I can see in your posts. If you're sure he thinks you're stupid, the relationship is done on that limb alone. You can't live that like - nobody should! It's a mindset that will only go one way.

Please just dump him....I;m not sure why your so bothered about what story he is going to tell any one else.... if any one asks (and honestly probably not that many will ) you can just say it wasnt working out... you dont have to give lots of detail and drama... or you can say any story you like/ he wasnt that great in bed/ he was shagging around/ didn't wash

• so what if he says he wasn't no one will know ..

Nothing worse than knowing they're lying/cheating but not having conclusive proof so you know they will paint you as 'crazy' if you try to confront. If you're at the point where you know (even if you can't prove it) it's over for you anyway to all intents and purposes and any time you spend trying to get him to confess or 'work through it' is just prolonging the agony and delaying the inevitable. If it was me I think I might just end it without even bothering to confront about the messages, just tell him you don't love him anymore and leave him wondering what was wrong with him, seems like karma somehow. I'm really sorry you're going through this OP

averythinline - he didn't wash....that would probably be the most hurtful to him!

I think I'm trying to save myself embarrassment that I wasn't enough my partner feels he needs to also seek attention from elsewhere. I am looking for reassurance, I want someone to tell me it's okay. I feel so stupid and I'm not ready to take into real life yet.

I understand your concern User. I also thought the same, and unfortunately very often people do blame the woman/wife for not being enough, for being the one responsible to hold the relationship together (no matter what!). It is a deeply misogynistic view. If it is any consolation, I got the same and he cheated on me when I was pregnant with no 3. You have to understand that you are NOT responsible for making him happy, and for his actions. People cheat quite often because of something they are lacking within themselves, not because of a problem within a relationship. Most importantly, you are NOT responsible for the relationship alone. The fact he isn't talking about it shows he is not taking responsibility at all.

Does he have female friends that text him/contact him normally?
Just wondering if he's had jealous relationships in the past and is hiding it from you because he thinks you'd get funny about it.

Hey OP,
How’s it going?
Did you speak to him or are you still having a think?
It’s a big decision but I think weehedgehog has some good advice

It will be OK and you're not stupid. I don't think it will be OK with him though. I think you'll be rehashing the same old story for ever more.

Leaving him won't reflect badly on you, it'll make him look like an idiot. And even if it does, who cares? That's a genuine question. If you worry that it makes you look weak or stupid then you've sold your life for that by marrying him. Is it important than people think well of you? More important than marrying someone you trust and who doesn't keep secrets?

It sometimes makes me cringe that my ex's friends and family think I left him for pathetic reasons (I didn't, I just didn't think it was my place to tell them what he'd done). I liked them and knowing they think I'm ridiculous did not feel good. But I tell myself it matters not a jot (true) and force myself to think of other more important things.

You have several ways forward in front of you, all of them uncomfortable. Look at the bigger picture, not which feels worse right now.

I keep thinking exactly that, he wants to marry me. I'll trust him for sure, we'll be married??! As if married people don't stray!

You are so not alone in that thought. It doesn't go away though, it gets worse. It is more lonely, harder to see a way out, and more concerning that you'll look stupid for walking away. Every bad feeling is magnified because the marriage you are imagining never happens, it was a fantasy. The disappoinment and realisation is crushing. You can probably have that marriage, but not with this man.

Sorry to leave you all so long, thanks so much for yesterday!

So I told him I didn't want to hear his excuses and he just said I'm ridiculous but did not put up a fight. I stayed with a friend last night.

You know the strangest thing, I couldn't cry in front of him. I cried myself to sleep but he doesn't know that.

I don't want it to be like this so bad!!

Well done, OP!

You've taken the first step. Now just keep on going. The worst is over.

Thank you so much for the advice and support

Honestly well done
That’s probably the hardest bit done.
Be kind to yourself and try and keep busy

OP
He isn't owing anything or showing any remorse, it's an instant answer to your future - you need to get out of this mess