Husbond!!!

[NeedDrink]

I have been with the same man for 9 years. He swept me and my kids of my feet, paid my huge dept and bought us a house. He worked very hard at redoing the house - everything in it. And had/has a well paid full time job. Work non stop. When house was finished, kids were older and we sold house and bought a farm, needing also a bit more than paint. We have lived here 2 years now. House is finished, it is wonderfull. Now he has gone to fix the out side area - HUGE - with barn, stable etc.

Last summer, we were here - doing the house. Didnt have kitchen, didnt have floors, didnt have much. And it RAINED the hole time. This summer - house is done, kids are settled, and I thought it was time for family, for me and him. And when we do day trips outside of farm, he is happy, chatty, funny. And then we come home, he disappears outside, coming in, late, tired, quiet.
It is hard for me. I know he does insane work, nobody work like him. He just keep going. I have mental issues, and is working at home - in a compagny he made, and is a big part of - but it is only done for me, as I can stay home. He never make a fuss, he just do what need to be done.

And I am horrible, because I am not happy. I think he is grumpy, quiet, has absolutely no sense of humor, never smile or laugh. He, on the other hand think I am demanding, want to change who he is.

I find it hard to have sex with a man, I cant "feel" - he is the perfect janitor, but that is not enough. I have the perfect life - 2 kids in private schools, lovely holidays, working from home etc - he feel I am demanding as I want to be close to him. He has no clue what I mean.

When he come in, in the evening - around 9 - we cuddle in the sofa and watch a movie, which is fine - but I need MORE. I need to be happy. I find him very attractive - but his mood is a total turn off. He would like sex 3-4 times a week, and think I should take his work as "presents/show of love" - he do this for us, for family. And he is right. WHY cant I settle for this?
He has so many qualities - NEVER made me question his love for me, he think I am the hottest hottie, regardles of what I look like, I am in charge of money, I decide a lot in our family, he just follow me. (kids pets, holidays, weekends, everything)

He has the life he wants. He is happy, he say. He wants us, and he want to work on farm. And he wants sex. :-)

I want to be close. I want to be intimate. I want to laugh. Have fun. He is not up for it. He doesnt do conversations about feelings, issues, he feel critized, and get defencive. I thought he was like this, because of hard work, and it would go away. But he just find new hard work - he like hard work, it is his identity.

Why cant I be happy with the hottest janitor in the world??? And what the fuck to do? I tried again this morning - he got pissed of, and now his car has gone. I want this to work, I want him, us. I like so much of him. Just wish he would lighten the fuck up a bit..

He just sended me a text, saying he is in the holiday home, and he will be back when I am happy and cheerfull, as he is fed up with me wanting to change him. Dont know what to do.

I found that hard to follow but it sounds like you both express love differently. Google ‘love languages’ it helps work out how to express your love to one another in a way that each other appreciates.

It sounds like he views acts of service as an expression of love (that’s actually my number 1 love language). Whereas you have different expressions.

DH and I read the book and did the quiz to work out our/each other’s language and we really do bear that in mind.

Also, it does sound like you don’t appreciate him very much.

There are things about people you cant change and nor should you.

A bit like him trying to change how you are

This is who he is. Like it or lump it I’m afraid.

I know the love languages - and I try to explain mine, to him. He just insist I use his language.
I do appreciate him - I honestly do. But I need him to use MY love language for him to express his love. His language is physical - touching and sex. And I prioritize this, and remember.
I want him to use my love language - I feel loved, when he makes me - or the kids laugh, he smiles at me, being happy.
I think he is disrespectfull, when he just say "well this is me". And he dont care what I feel.

Bear in mind it will be far easier for him to find someone who loves him warts and all than you will to find someone who never questions your love and can give you a comparable lifestyle.

So its all about you? You dont like his love language so he has to change.

Nice

You serious?? His love language is touching and sex - and my reply could be "well I just did the laundry" - isnt that enough for you? I cooked dinner - isnt that enough for you?? - No, we havent had sex in 3 years. "well tough shit - I just hoovered. As an expression of love for you!"
What is the point in leaning eachothers love languages - if not to use them??
Yes, this thread is about ME - as Im the one posting!!!

Your husband sounds like a good, hardworking, caring man. Generally speaking men don't enjoy analysing relationships - they don't want to finish a hard day's work and then have to spend 2 hours discussing their feelings. This could explain why he's grumpy, although you say he's happy and chatty when you go out on trips, so which is it?

You say his mood is the biggest problem yet you and he enjoy a cuddle and watch a movie in the evenings - sounds really nice to me. What's your mood like when he comes home? If you are alone all day then naturally you are keen to talk to another person in the evenings, but he's been out all day so prefers some peace and quiet and time to chill. You can't change him, he's a workaholic. I understand this as my husband is similar.

If you accept that you can't change him then you need to look at how you can improve those aspects of you and your life that you can change. Perhaps you need to get out of the house a bit more. Do you have any outside interests or friends of your own that you socialise with, other people to chat with? You may get some of the emotional support you're missing through other relationships, and also it's healthy to have other things outside of the home to talk about.

It's a bit of a vicious circle; the more you demand from him emotionally, the more he will find things to do around the farm late into the evening. I think as a priority you need to look at how you can improve your own life and your relationship with your husband will improve I'm sure. Good luck.

Arh crap.. I Guess you have a point...

We live in the middle of bloody nowhere and i have mental health problems but i sure see your point. I Will work in that.. thank you..

If your love language is acts of service then why are you not accepting his work for you?

He works all day in a demanding job
He pays you for a job he created to try to give you something meaningful you could do, taking into account your MH issues
He is paying for private school for both of your (not his) children - does their father even pay maintenance?
On top of this he is working on a new project to improve the exterior of your home

If you have refused sex for three years then he is almost certainly banging someone else occasionally.

Did you sign a pre-nup?

No no no 🙂 my language is words. Conversations. Laugh. Joy. For me that is turn on. I am not stupid. I Know what he do for me. But what is my language - what turns my buttons- is dialog. Jokes. Feelings. The spark in the eye. I love what he do. I love him. But i cant Feel Him. He is so closed. Please help me. He is wonderfull. But as a stranger. .

And we had sex 2 days Ago 😎 i didnt withhold 3 years. We do regurlaly.but i cant Feel Him.. he feels unknown, closed..

He is stil not Home. Fed the kids, all chilled here. But not a sound..

You're very selfish. This man gives and gives to you, you're happy to keep taking but all you do in return is moan.

If your language of love is words, do you both speak another mutual language? Your English is pretty poor and I can imagine that might be frustrating for him if you don't share a language.

I return with moan and my English is poor??!? Is that it??

Some of the posters here are pretty harsh. I understand where you’re coming from. Material things and security are great but you want a companion you connect with. He has to meet you halfway. Is there a chance he would to go counselling with you, to help you understand one another better?

I dont Think I am willing. If he dont get my need to connect, i truly cant be bothered. I have 1 kid 15 years old and One 10 year old. Life is short. I cant spend 2 - 3 years explaining him, about feelings and happiness . I have a lovely janitor. I must decide if that is Enough. But i need to decide. Wont spend years teaching and adult. I have kids. Big kids. Life is now.

I think repeatedly calling your husband 'a janitor' is very disrespectful. He works hard to pay for the roof over you and your (not his) children's heads. He paid off your debts. He pays for your children's education. He pays for your very comfortable lifestyle. He set up a business for you. How many janitors do you know who do that? A janitor is easy enough to replace, I don't think you would find another DH like him quite so easily. If you are not careful he may start asking himself what it is that YOU bring to the table. Meals? Cleaning? Sex? How would you feel if he referred to you as "the hot skivvy" (you may need to google that)?

Sounds like he's already asking that, given he's now left the property, so suspect this conversation may be moot.

So hard work equals sex? Wow English is not my først language and i have a Word for you.. sorry to post here. I actually thought someone would get my lack in contact and advise me. But no. I Should shut up and get back to the kitchen . Thanks.

I cannot understand why you are getting such harsh replies. I understand what you mean perfectly, and it’s obvious that English isn’t your first language. I’d suggest “handyman” instead of janitor, I think that is closer to what you mean in English but I get what you mean. You want more of a friend/companion. It doesn’t sound like you’re very compatible. He’s a provider who thinks sex is enough to connect after a day of not being close, not talking, not sharing, not laughing. I wouldn’t like that either, no matter how lovely my home was. I think the PP is correct that the only way you can accept him for this is to find what you need elsewhere with friends etc. Not impossible, but maybe not enough for you? Your demands are not unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t be having sex at all in your position, I wouldn’t be in the mood. BUT he might be feeling to much pressure to be everything to you if your MH problems keep you a little isolated and this might be too much for him?

The fact that you call him a janitor is awful. Never known a janitor pay for private school or create a business so their wife can have a job that suits her illness.

You view your husband as an employee Nd someone whose only worth is being everything you demand. Even if that's not who they are.

After working full time and working on the house he comes in shows affection, but that's not enough because he doesn't make you laugh enough?

I wouldn't feel like laughing and joking around if I had his life.

It also feels like you are with holding sex purely to punish him for not being who you want him to be. It doesn't sound like you like him much.

Thank you banavani.. yes!! Excately! I need hobbies, friends... right?