Online dating etiquette.... WHAT'S NORMAL?

[wishywashy6]

Hi ladies, after a bit of wisdom here please!!

I've been single about 7 months, quite happy on my own however thought I'd broaden my horizons on the man front and just see what's out there and joined a coupe of online dating websites.

I was with my husband for 14 years then with someone else casually after for around 18 months so maybe I'm just totally clueless but I'm finding that:

1. I get 100's of messages - not a problem in itself but you kinda know what sort of guy you'd be interested in so I tend to not respond to the ones I know I wouldn't be. Then I get bombarded with messages calling me ignorant... am I expected to reply to everyone? 😳
2. Guys I get chatting to seem to instantly assume I'm their girlfriend .... like sending me morning messages full of kisses/ asking when we're meeting blah blah and completely creeping me out - does chatting automatically mean you're dating?! Is there no in between?!
3. Everyone's weird 😂

I say nothing remotely flirty as I'm afraid of giving off the wrong impression (as in unless I genuinely fancy someone I don't want to give them the idea that I like them in that way) but I'm struggling to find middle ground with anyone!
I have a lot of male friends so I thought I kind of understood the male mind to some extent but clearly not!

Advice? Tips? What am I doing wrong?

I dont really understand the problem here. What makes you assume they think you are their gf? Messaging tto build up some kind of connection and asking to meet are all necessary with OLD. surely thats the point.....you like the look of eachother, you message a bit for a few days, then you meet up and decode if you both want further dates, see any potential.
I am pretty confident when i say that they dont think youre their gf just because they are texting you good morning.
I used to onlne date and i also didnt reply to every message, a lot of the time i didnt even read their message before deleting it. I used to go straight to their profile and if it didnt have pointers that made me think it was possibly what i was looking for i just used to delete the message and think no more of it.

They don't think they're your girlfriend, just because they're messaging good morning etc. They will be doing this with lots of women probably. But asking when you're meeting isn't creepy - that's the whole point isn't it? Until you meet them you don't know whether you will like them, so best to meet sooner rather than later.

I agree with the previous two posters. They don't think you're their girlfriend they're just keeping in touch and then talking about meeting up is the next stage from the initial contact. Blimey I'd be a girlfriend to no end of guys right now if I assumed that!!

I'm a bit confused how you think it is supposed to progress if they didn't do this?

Don't reply to ones you don't want to reply to and ignore anyone who moans about this.

Ok maybe I'm missing the point slightly but for example .... we've had a convo that covers the basics like where you from, what job do you do etc then I wake up to "morning sexy, can't stop thinking about you xxxx"
Sorry but I find that so off-putting in someone I've exchanged a few lines of conversation with?

@HalfDutchGirl yes I understand that, and if they progressed to that naturally i suppose it'd feel better but I've had so many guys fire a list of questions at me like I'm in an interview then be like "right so when we meeting?"
🤷🏼‍♀️

wishy I know!! It's a minefield, but I promise you'll get used to it! A lot of the guys try and push the boundaries from the get go and see how the land lies, others are soooooo slow it's ridiculous, finding an even playing field (no football pun intended!) is really difficult but you'll get the hang of it!

All I can say is if there is anyone you're interested in try and meet for a coffee asap otherwise you may just end up becoming pen pals!

Good luck!! You should join in the OLD thread on here - it's great and I've learnt so much!

@HalfDutchGirl

Oh I may do that then haha ... how do I find it?!

At the moment everyone is putting me off but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.

Thank you!

@wishywashy6 - It's on the front page of this Relationships section - Dating Thread 135

You don’t have to reply to everyone. I used to reply to maybe 1 in 20 messages, if that. I’d also say, if you don’t want to be flirty with someone, I’d probably not message them at all. You’re not trying to make friends! Them wanting to meet quickly isn’t a red flag - it’s a way of weeding out who actually wants to date from women who are just looking for ego-stroking pen pals (there are a lot of these, and male ones ditto). Again, if you don’t want to meet them, why are you on there

Why not have a look at the latest OLD thread on here? It's called Will Harry Ever meet sally and it will tell you all you Need to know. Bit confused when you say you're not flirty...what exactly is the point of doing OLD then?

@TheFifthKey @CaveDivingbelle

It's not a case of not wanting to meet people but I can't agree to date everyone that asks when I've basically said hello and not much else!
I don't think there's any need to be overly flirty, if I meet someone in real life I don't really do flirty... I'm more comfortable with some sarcastic banter and I prefer someone who's on the same page. Been chatting to a couple today who seem to be more on that level, one's since asked me to meet up one day next week which I've said yes to so I think I'm slowly learning to weed out the good from the bad!

I'll have a look at the OLD thread too, thank you!

100's of messages? gosh you are lucky.

@crimsonlake .... am I? 😂

I would certainly say so. I have been on line dating on and off for a few years and have yet to be contacted by someone I am vaguely attracted to. I am in my 50's (so this may be the problem ) slim, wearing well, do not look like the back end of a bus... I average one message a day.

Op I agree with you. The heavy messages very early on woukd be a no no and woukd put me off. If they creep you out, you can discount them. Whatever happened to normal getting to know yiu chat first.

I agree op, the “ thinking of you “ type messages are so insincere and phony they’d get a no from me.
And I flirt with people im attracted to, can’t imagine doing it with no chemistry as an introduction. I’d feel like a pantomime dame.
Stay choosy op, it’s always worked for me.

Online dating is a bloody minefield. There are lots of nutters out there and you need a really thick skin. There are also some genuinely lovely people but you have to go through a lot of crazy to find them. I did online dating for a couple for years. Experienced everything you describe and worse, and no, I did not date any of those people. It's not how I met my now husband but I did end up having a couple of very rewarding short relationships and making a few excellent friends. I don't regret it at all. Did I say you need a thick skin? You need a thick skin!

@crimsonlake

I've only been on there a week, I'd say I'm getting between 50-70 messages a day but I don't consider it a compliment as more than half of them are from absolute weirdos! One man's opening line was asking me if I'd be able to send him a pair of my used knickers and another asked if he could be my slave 🤦🏼‍♀️
Ideally I'd just like someone to bring me a cuppa in bed and watch Corrie with me 😂

In all seriousness messages from what I'd class as "normal" guys I maybe get 10-15 a day

@ImogenTubbs @Ohyesiam

I'm glad you understand what I mean! It feels so forced and fake and really puts me off. If it was just one or 2 I'd probably have just put it down to the individuals but a large proportion of guys have fired a list of questions at me and then suddenly started with all the little pet names/ turning everything into a sexual comment. One guy messaged me yesterday, he looked ok so we had a brief convo about where we were from/ job etc but only about 6 sentences. Woke up this morning to "xxxxx morning kisses for my gorgeous girl" .... I just responded with "I'm not your girl" and haven't replied to him since!

That said, after properly chatting to a few more normal people today I'm feeling slightly more comfortable with it, I haven't felt the need to be super flirty as the chat has flowed well. Once I get to that stage where I feel comfortable then of course I'd agree to meet but I was mainly just shocked by how many men want to meet after basically just saying hi!

I think they wet to a (crap) seminar onwhat women want to hear.

I got 100s of messages, too, but the vast majority could be ruled out due to location. Most weren't local.

Of the remaining, many sent me messages about sex, their fetishes, my body, etc - very first message straight to penis talk! Ruled those out.

Then I ruled out the married men and the "separated" men.

Them I ruled out the age gap men - far too young and far too old (I'm mid-50s).

What was left was what I considered, but by then, it was slim-pickens.

Yeah I think they really did!

I am comfortable chatting to guys generally but it's got to feel natural, I'd rather they took the piss out of me than showered me with fake compliments but maybe that's just me 🤷🏼‍♀️

I tried online dating before meeting my husband and I used to get really full on messages and sometimes graphic it would really put me off. Then some guys would get annoyed if I didn't reply. You don't have to engage in conversation I think some people are just casting a net to see if they catch anything.

Which website are you using? 100's messages? I am lucky to get one a week!

@Dhalandchips

Tinder, POF and Badoo? It's an interesting mix 😂