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Original poster

do I end it now when I want children and he doesn't.....

31 replies

MNersThisIsBigMother · 25/05/2007 23:24

....or love him until the day he does and I don't...I really love him.

OP posts:
BreeVanDerCamp · 25/05/2007 23:25

Walk away.

Original poster
MNersThisIsBigMother · 25/05/2007 23:25

sorry I should have included that I have dd 6yo from previous relationship and that I'm 29, he's 24!

OP posts:
Original poster
MNersThisIsBigMother · 25/05/2007 23:29

really? He says he may never want dc's (apart from dd I have whom he does love I know for sure) Everything was great til I got broody!

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 25/05/2007 23:31

How would you feel if you were 60 and hadn't had any more babies - if he doesn't change his mind?

Would you resent him?

I think 24 is too young to know for sure you'll never want children.

Ask him whether, at 60, he wants to have his children coming for Sunday lunch, going to football matches with him and nipping to the pub before Christmas lunch with him for a swift half. Or something else (not sure what you do at 60 without children - probably spend all the money you've got from not having children ).

thefuturesbright · 25/05/2007 23:32

how long can you wait? he may come round - but then again he may not. Could you set a limit - two years? 6 weeks? 5 mins???

Busybean · 25/05/2007 23:32

walk away

catmac · 25/05/2007 23:35

If you love him is it not worth giving him a bit longer to come round to the idea? Loving relationships are so hard to come by.

Quattrocento · 25/05/2007 23:41

Have had three dear friends in exactly your position.

One walked away, met someone lovely and they have two gorgeous children.

The other two both stayed put. One has two children now, and the other has one. Both reluctant fathers love and adore their offspring.

Don't think there is a hard and fast rule. You've got lots of time though - you're only 29. Don't rush him.

Original poster
MNersThisIsBigMother · 25/05/2007 23:41

I'm sure I could wait, I had decided a long time ago that I didn't want any more dc's because of breakdown in last relationship and never wanting to put another dc through that if it ever happened but I have been so broody lately I don't know whats come over me and with this new knowledge I feel a certain loss for a child I may never have (is that crazy?) Lets say we have a brill relationship for the next 7 years and he then decides he wants dc's I really don't think I want a toddler at 40. I realise many Mum's are but I find it tough at 29! Maybe 2 more years, is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 25/05/2007 23:45

Been through this myself and, unlike you, at 35 (he's 40) we haven't got age on our side. I also, unlike you, don't have any children whilst he has a dd so not the same situation but similar

Ask yourself:

If you don't have children with him, can you honestly say that you don't think you'll resent him for this in later life?

Can you say, hand on heart, that you honestly believe he (and obviously your child in your case) are enough to make you happy FOREVER?

If you answer NO to either of the above then I really think you have to walk away

Totally agree with others who have said he's very young to be making such a decision. I was adamant I didn't want children until I was 32

Original poster
MNersThisIsBigMother · 25/05/2007 23:54

I'm sure I would wait another 2 maybe 3 more years but I'm afraid at that stage he'll still not know and I'll resent him for just simply not knowing what he wants while I hang about on a string getting older. Also, if I leave it for another few years is the age difference between my dd and new baby going to be so great that they will effectly grow up 'only' children?

OP posts:
Original poster
MNersThisIsBigMother · 26/05/2007 00:10

Maybe I was stupid to think it was time to talk about this with dp. We live together, work together and we do love eachother but to a great degree I still consider myself a single mother to dd as dp is still 'aquiring stuff' ie building home (even though I have one[which really belongs to the bank]), becomming financially secure (bills and a/c's are all still separate)etc. We're still dating if ye like more than 2 years down the road.

Thank you all so much for your advice, since having dd and moving to country I have lost contact with all but one friend and finding MN has been a lifeline to the real world with real woman and a wealth of experience.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 26/05/2007 00:25

have aa frank heart ti heart cards on table discussion

when do u want another bubba
when does he want to be a daddy
other significant stuff...money..mat benefits...can u both work...paying rent/mortgages

these are deeply ppersonal questions unique to only two...imo best discussed privately alone hopefully calmly.

PregnantGrrrl · 27/05/2007 10:33

my DP had no interest in kids when i met him- he was 27 then. I made it clear i had always wanted kids, but i would 'settle' for one child if those were his feelings.

Later down the line we decided to have DS. DP fell in love with him (as i knew he would!), and i'm pregnant with DC2 at the moment. Although we're planning a vasectomy after this one, we would also like to adopt / foster down the line too.

Perhaps it would help to set a 'deadline' of sorts- make your feelings clear, let him make his clear, and then agree that in say 12mths time you'll discuss it again, and if nobody has changed their minds, perhaps you should walk away?

warthog · 27/05/2007 10:42

i would set a deadline that i'm happy with and see whether he's changed his mind. if not, i'd move on. you'd really resent him otherwise.

Dottydot · 27/05/2007 10:49

He's young and you've still got plenty of time. If you love him I'd stay and wait it out. But he needs to know how important this is to you and that he needs to keep thinking about it.

When I was 28 I had an overwhelming urge to have children and dp was absolutely sure she didn't want any. It was awful - we'd been together for 5 years at that point and I didn't want to be with anyone else. I had counselling, she came to some with me, we talked and talked (and argued and cried and didn't talk) but she said she'd keep thinking about it. It took her another 3 years but one night as we were going to bed she said "I've been thinking about it and yes, let's have a baby.".

Good luck -it's a very difficult situation to be in and ultimately I think it's about whether you're with the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, regardless of whether you end up having more children, but that's bloody hard when you're in the middle of that desperate urge to have a baby.

babygrand · 27/05/2007 10:50

I'd say walk away.

My dh and I had differences (not that one) and I thought it didn't matter. But it does...

foxinsocks · 27/05/2007 10:55

I think, at 24, he's incredibly young to be asked to make that decision. I didn't want kids at that age. And also, some people never really take a decision to 'actively' want them iyswim, they don't sit down and say 'yes, let's have a baby', they sort of fall into it.

I would definitely give him a bit longer - you said yourself he's in the 'acquiring' stage of life and he probably needs to get through that stage before he thinks of what's coming up next.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 27/05/2007 11:19

I think he's too young at 24 to have made such a decision and thought it through thoroughly. Have you been together long? Perhaps he feels you're putting too much pressure on him. Also, at 29 you're young enough to afford waiting until he changes his mind. My DH is 5 years younger than me. He wasn't ready for babies at 24 but was OK by 27.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 27/05/2007 11:21

Just to add that I think you'd take a big gamble ending a relationship for this reason alone and banking on meeting someone you'd fall in love with and love you back and want children, all in the space of a few months or a couple of years.

LIZS · 27/05/2007 11:30

How would you feel if you stayed, say, 5 years in the hope he'd change his mind and he didn't. Do you perhaps have a mental limit as to the age gap you'd want with your dd ? Could you accept it not happening and continue as you were or would your disappointment colour the relationship anyway ? By then your chances of having another baby would be lessening, assuming you could find another partner who shared your wish. Hard one to judge.

ahundredtimes · 27/05/2007 11:33

Hmmm. Keep an open mind on this one. There seems to be a certain amount of 'arms lengthness' about your relationship already - quite right and healthy I'm sure - but I wouldn't bank on him turning 27 and deciding that's what he wants.

Original poster
MNersThisIsBigMother · 27/05/2007 13:05

hi again, I've just switched on and so glad to see all your messages as we're still not talking and I think I'm being unfair to him.

I couldn't possibly respond/thank each of you individually but I'll outline what I've been thinking since reading your posts...

1)He is still very young to be making such a decision and the fact that he's still 'aquiring' is admirable in that if he does have children down the road he wants to know he can provide for them.

2)whilst we have a certain amount of stability, we don't quite know where work may take us and I didn't take 'everything' into account when expressing my wish for another baby. A couple more years would make a big difference.

3)one of your posts said 'a loving relationship is hard to find' and others have said to leave him I would still have to find another and build a strong relationship before I would have a child with them and this could take longer than I have been willing to give current dp...too right! I have never met anyone like dp and we were friends long before anything else, I love him dearly and do not want to loose him. The grass is not always greener elsewhere!

4)I wouldn't resent him if he decided he never wanted more children. I have a beautiful, healthy dd and as long as I have her and the bonus of a dp who loves us I will consider myself 'rich'.

So whats left?...My fear from the beginning. What if he decides he wants another at a time when I've decided it's too late for me?...in fairness, since being on MN I feel I may have made that decision in haste. As many of you pointed out, I am still young and it would also seem that women are having children later in life than was the norm many years ago.

I will understand if you're bored with me now but will post another couple of questions in the hope that some of you may have the experience i wish to draw upon....

1)is a big age gap between dc's harder on them in bonding terms?
2)is having a newborn/toddler harder in late 30's early 40's?

OP posts:
PregnantGrrrl · 27/05/2007 21:22

i can't comment on the having babies in later years- i'm in my mid 20's- but i can give you some insight into a big age gap. There's 18mths between myself and brother 1- we have nothing in common and are not close. As kids we beat the crap out of each other aswell. There's 9 years between myself and brother 2- if this baby is a boy he'll be named after him. I helped take care of him when he was small, and i think he's a fab person. Brother 3 is 14 years younger than me- i also helped take care of him, and he's lovely too.

Age gap is irrelevant IMO- it's their personalities that will mould their bonds.

evenhope · 28/05/2007 10:05

I've just had my 5th ( a surprise!) at the age of 43. She's 10 weeks old and I'm finding the 24/7 stage a bit frustrating, but at the same time I marvel every day that we've got her.

1)is a big age gap between dc's harder on them in bonding terms?

My other kids are very close in age. Now as teens they get on very well. As little ones they hated each other. My eldest (21) isn't keen on the baby, and neither is my former youngest (15), but the middle 2 (17 and 19) adore her.

2)is having a newborn/toddler harder in late 30's early 40's?

See above. I was more tired during the pregnancy this time than when I was 20- particularly not being able to walk far- but actual day to day life is easier with this one than with 4 little ones

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