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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex said to DD that she 'was on the edge of rage'

51 replies

WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 12:00

He said to me that it would be good if she took her dry laundry off the line. I said, why not ask her? That was his response.

DD is not on the edge of rage, or the edge of anything else. My ex is.

I am so sick of his transferring all his crap onto the family. He is not allowed to be horrid to me so as I expected he is moving onto my dd.

OP posts:
ReliefOfChaos · 03/07/2018 13:25

Why is he talking to you about laundry at (presumably) his house? Not nagging daughter about laundry when she's annoyed sounds considerate rather than horrible.

Are you sure that it's him that's projecting?

Original poster
WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 16:02

No ReliefOfChaos, our daughter was not annoyed. She was not and is not on the edge of rage. My ex husband however, is. He regularly storms off in a heartfelt silent rage when she asks him something perfectly reasonable. He knows he can't do it to me. He's been told he will be in trouble if he does, so he's trying it with her.

OP posts:
ConstantlyCold · 03/07/2018 16:13

I’m not sure I understand your post.

How is he transferring his crap onto your dd by not asking her to take in her washing?

ReliefOfChaos · 03/07/2018 16:46

Or indeed by walking away silently when he's annoyed? Why would he be 'in trouble' if he does that? It doesn't sound like unreasonable behaviour.

Original poster
WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 17:52

Oh dear. Silly me for posting. My ex has is not allowed to be horrible to me, to blame me for things he does, to call me disgusting names, to lose his temper with me... so... he's venting his spleen on our daughter. He is a vitriolic and entitled man. Just grim to that he is once again turning on a child.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2018 18:02

But if he’s your ex why is he in your house talking about laundry? Or is this laundry at his house? I’m sorry but I’m really unclear and I don’t under what ‘on the edge of rage’ means...

Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2018 18:03

Understand, not under, obviously!

SoddingUnicorns · 03/07/2018 18:04

I think that your post is a bit unclear OP which is why people are asking questions.

Do you mean your DD asked him to get the laundry or that he was annoyed she didn’t?

Original poster
WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 21:28

Has anyone actually read what I have written? I am feeling interrogated and slightly defensive, not to say a bit upset. Oh well. I am not going to go through the whole bloody lot all over again.

OP posts:
Salazaar · 03/07/2018 21:37

It seems like you're very defensive Tiger and perhaps you're on the "edge of rage"
I get you're upset, but instead of being shitty with us, how about you explain yourself properly and answer perfectly valid questions?

ReliefOfChaos · 03/07/2018 21:48

Yeah, don't take this as hostile. By all means, go through the whole bloody lot. Even if it's a LOOOONG list of bullet points. It may help.

DeliashesaWeirdo · 03/07/2018 21:49

I think it's difficult for posters to understand what is happening without knowing your history. I assume you are still living together, I think the house is up for sale?

This whole period must be absolutely awful for DD. I think doing everything you can to get DD (and other DC?) through the end of this relationship has got to be your priority. It's been years of crap for her.

I hope there is an end in sight for you. Flowers

ConstantlyCold · 03/07/2018 21:51

Do you mean he’s projecting his feelings onto your daughter?

He’s feeling rage - so he says your daughter is “on the edge of rage”?

Original poster
WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 21:52

I feel hostility posting here. I feel interrogated. MN can be a rubbish place when you are struggling. Your message, Salazaar is particularly hostile and unpleasant. Who am I being shitty with? Explain exactly what? What perfectly valid questions are being asked in a way that suggests interest?

My ex told me that our dd was 'on the edge of rage' so he didn't want to ask her to bring in her laundry. He is often on the edge of rage. Our dd isn't. His rages are terrifying which is why he is now my ex. Instead of attacking me he is now going for her.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 03/07/2018 22:00

How old is she? Can you contact SW to see if they can help you? It’s clear you want to protect your child.

Salazaar · 03/07/2018 22:01

No offence here at all tiger but I think you may need to read the replies and questions here from others, including myself, so we can get a clearer picture of what's actually going on.
My post wasn't particularly hostile.

I understand you're angry, I really do, but if you're looking for advice then maybe answer the questions?

NotTakenUsername · 03/07/2018 22:08

Ok I can see why you feel attacked op.

The post is a bit hard to understand but not totally. The thing that stands out is why you are arranging domestic chores together?

Original poster
WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 22:09

I had a meeting with SS recently. There is little they can do. Women's Aid are being fantastic and I am being supported by an ISVA. Sadly I have to stop my counselling because of the situation as I can't process what's going on while it's still going on. Yes, the house is for sale. Not before time.

Yes, ConstantlyCold, he is projecting his feelings onto our daughter. He's been told by official channels not to be horrid to me (can't say more).

Yes, DeliashesaWeirdo, it's been years of hell for the dcs. It is really only during the last year or so that I have begun to understand the misery of my marriage. A long time coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 22:11

NotTakenUsername, we are not organising chores together. It was just something he said. I guess the way to get to know how he feels is to ask about his attitude to someone else. He hates everyone especially women.

OP posts:
Original poster
WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 22:37

Salazaar, It really isn't for you to tell me my experience and please be very careful of the word, But. Your post was hostile and I can do without you trying to excuse yourself. I am not offended. Please be careful what you write.

OP posts:
aaatozedd · 03/07/2018 22:45

Not sure how old your dd is OP but I'm wondering why you're even having conversations with your ex. You need to detach and just communicate with him business like, only by email. Otherwise you just get sucked in. The more you can detach from the situation the better it will be.

Salazaar · 03/07/2018 22:59

tiger I'm not spoiling for an argument with you, I'm really not.

Seeing the replies that you've given above, I can now see why this situation has been upsetting and particularly frustrating.

I genuinely didn't mean to come across as hostile.

Original poster
WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 23:06

aaatozedd, I am on the same page. I have started email communication. This may be why he is now focussing on our daughter. He has been footdragging now for a year. Will speak to WA outreach worker in the morning about this.

OP posts:
aaatozedd · 03/07/2018 23:09

Try to ignore him tbh OP. If you get wound up he's getting exactly what he wants here. In the end, if anything untoward happens wrt your dd then SS will step in. As for you, just try to recover now and ignore ignore ignore. Good luck. Brew

Original poster
WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 23:30

Thank you aaatozedd. I had a meeting with SS recently. I am very much a grey rock. The dcs are not yet ready for counselling. School/gp etc know the situation. It troubles me that he is focussing his vitriol on his daughter. I have told SS about this.

OP posts:
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