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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex said to DD that she 'was on the edge of rage'

51 replies

WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 12:00

He said to me that it would be good if she took her dry laundry off the line. I said, why not ask her? That was his response.

DD is not on the edge of rage, or the edge of anything else. My ex is.

I am so sick of his transferring all his crap onto the family. He is not allowed to be horrid to me so as I expected he is moving onto my dd.

OP posts:

lottsagain · 04/07/2018 13:24

I think the wording of the original post is a bit clumsy. I would wait for your anger to subside and then send him a strongly worded email outlining the importance of maintaining boundaries.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 04/07/2018 13:34

It seems like you’re expecting everyone to know your massive backstory. Your original post, without the context you have since given, didn’t make much sense. Now that you’ve explained a bit more, posters can get a better picture of what you’re dealing with.

MN is not a hostile place, but we are not mind readers, nor do we have a spreadsheet with the names and situations if every poster we’ve ever stumbled across to help unravel things.

You can get support here, but only if you start your thread with some relevant details instead of getting cross with people who don’t know who you are or what your exH is like.

BounceAndClimb · 04/07/2018 13:35

From your sudden OTT anger at posters asking for you to explain in a clearer way I wonder if you need to step back and stop taking things so personally.

I don't see how he's done anything horrid to DD from that post, it sounds like he'd have to tread on egg shells not to offend you to be honest.

If he'd shouted at her to bring things in fair enough, but from the sound of it has just commented that it would be good if she brought the laundry in but that he didn't want to ask her right now as he didn't think she was in a good mood.

Original poster

WellDoneTiger · 04/07/2018 18:43

Maybe my articulation is clumsy. My imperfections rise to the fore! Anyone can protect my ex. I protected him too for a very very long time. I am certainly not perfect and I have insight into how he sees me. I get that.

I really hope that some posters have not endured domestic abuse. I really hope that your children are not the next focus of an abuser's attention.

I thought I knew what abuse was. This time has been different. Yes there is a lot that I have shoved under the carpet. Often we don't see what is right under our noses.

OP posts:

WinnieFosterTether · 04/07/2018 18:51

If he's 'not allowed to be horrid' to you then he shouldn't be allowed to be horrid to the DCs either. It may be worth exploring with WA why both of you think he's allowed to be horrid to his DCs but not to you. That shouldn't be the impression any of you are left with.

If I were you, I'd also be open to the fact that your DCs may have volatile emotions. They could mirror the example they've been shown by him.

Original poster

WellDoneTiger · 04/07/2018 19:14

You have hit the nail on the head, WinnieFoster. He is not being overtly nasty to dd but about her through me. This is what concerns me. I have a fantastic WA outreach worker and I have left messages about my worries. The dcs are teenagers so I expect grotty behaviour. The dd who my ex was talking about is wary around him. He was brimming this morning when he understood that she had been referred to CAMH. This referral has taken nearly a year and it was because she assaulted me in public. She has done it since. His reaction has been the same. He will get me arrested if I lay a hand on her but she is welcome to attack me. She knows this is wrong. When she attacked me I felt as though she was acting by proxy. I recorded the aftermath when he was shouting that I provoke everyone in front of all the family members. DD could do without a criminal record on behalf of a 3rd party.

OP posts:

ReliefOfChaos · 04/07/2018 19:43

...and now it transpires DD DOES have significant rage issues.

Original poster

WellDoneTiger · 04/07/2018 20:03

No. ReliefOfChaos, she doesn't. She has plenty of reasons to be angry. I think expression of anger is a good thing. I prefer that she expreses her feelings than not. Her father prefers that he lives in a cocoon and that he is perfect. Did you read the bit about domestic abuse? Perhaps you could look at the link at the top of the page? You may also find Rape Crisis interesting. Or not.

OP posts:

ReliefOfChaos · 04/07/2018 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Babyblues052 · 04/07/2018 20:24

I really don't want to comment on you relationship with either you dd or ex as Im not really up for a stranger going off on one at me, but I will say I agree with you that expressing feelings is a good thing and can be very healthy but the way your dd has done it is very very unhealthy.

Attacking people is not a good thing because it let's out anger! Regardless if it's your daughter

tiger I worry for you because you don't deserve to be abused from your ex or your dd and that's what's happening. I know you love her and you have all obviously been through some shit but from you recent update she is now abusing you and you are making excuses for her.

Im glad she is getting help, and I hope for hers and your sake it's works for her.

But just know you are worth more as a mother, more as a partner and more as a human than getting attacked and abused.

BounceAndClimb · 04/07/2018 20:27

If you had told SS that there was domestic violence and abuse towards you and the children they would not be allowing you to remain in the same house.
I'm getting the same impression as reliefofchaos.

fourquenelles · 04/07/2018 20:41

ReliefOfChaos reported for victim blaming.

Original poster

WellDoneTiger · 04/07/2018 20:52

I feel very cornered by you ReliefOfChaos, Babyblues052, BounceAndClimb. While I appreciate your opinions, I feel completely unsupported by you. My experience from your posts is hostility and unkindness.
There have been others who have understood to whom I thank.

Please tell me your experiences of dealing with the authorities.

OP posts:

Original poster

WellDoneTiger · 04/07/2018 20:56

Thank you fourquenelles.

OP posts:

Moominfan · 04/07/2018 21:04

So he told you he was about to go into a rage and didn't want to ask your daughter to bring in laundry in case it sets him off?

DeliashesaWeirdo · 04/07/2018 21:07

WellDoneTiger I am not sure it's useful for you to engage in discussion where posters do not understand your situation. It might be difficult for you to see but they are responding to what you post here. I don't think I've read all your threads but I know I have read some going back a couple of years. If you think about how long that has been then you might see how your knowledge of your relationship has evolved. Others don't have that knowledge.

I can understand that a therapy process whereby you unpick the history of how you got to where you are would not be a priority just now. But I wonder if it's possible to find a counsellor simply to support you through the separation process?

The house is up for sale and that's great progress. But it's still a very stressful time. It's great DD has a CAHMS referral but if you get some support for yourself that in turn will help you support your DC.

I am not attempting to police your thread but I hope posters can see the clues to how difficult a time OP is having with her ex husband.

Original poster

WellDoneTiger · 04/07/2018 21:55

DeliashesaWeirdo, I understand. Thank you. I have been posting here for over 10 years, and still I don't understand how it works. It was on MN that I was told that I was being sexually assaulted by my husband. It was here that I learned that I was in an abusive relationship. It has been a long slow process. My ex husband didn't know what consent was. I hated waking up to him poking around in my vagina. He called it affection. Legally it is not affection. I had no choice. I did not have the freedom or capacity to choose.

OP posts:

Babyblues052 · 04/07/2018 22:13

I apologise if I made you feel cornered and unsupported, this was not my intention at all. I won't comment again as I genuinely do not want to make you feel bad and feel as though I was being unkind and hostile as again this was far from my intention.

I wish you well and hope your dd be if its from her therapy.

Babyblues052 · 04/07/2018 22:16

*Benefits

LadyB49 · 04/07/2018 22:40

I've read through this thread and don't know any previous history.
But from the original post I still don't understand if the incident about the laundry happened at tiger's home, the ex husband's home, or are they living in the same house?

Original poster

WellDoneTiger · 04/07/2018 22:46

Thank you Babyblues052. It means a lot.

OP posts:

ivechangedmyusername · 05/07/2018 07:26

Because you won't answer the question about wether he lives with you or not - I had to look at previous threads and it appears you are .
Surely with the level of abuse you detail and the involvement of SS and CAMHS you can be (should be) rehoused at least until the house is sold - whereupon you make the decision to buy a new one or continue to rent. Whatever you do- it would seem very obvious that your current residence with ex husband only fuels the horrible toxic environment, which is manifesting itself in very unpleasant and unacceptable behaviour from your daughter.

The whole set up is doing no one any favours. Has no one offered you help to get out ? With the level of abuse you have intimated - SS would normally require you to have no contact - what is their stance at the moment ?

Original poster

WellDoneTiger · 05/07/2018 15:15

I have been through the mill on the housing front. My ex has been advised to move out and to have as little contact with me as possible. He has keys to a new place.

OP posts:

ivechangedmyusername · 05/07/2018 17:57

So he has been advised to move from you ? That's a bit weird ! Surely with the level of abuse documented and known to SS the primary care giver would be required to have no relationship with the abuser - or risk having the children removed .

As you at the victim here, why are SS advising him to move out (which it doesn't sound like he's prepared for do - having the key and staying there is just causing drama) They should be helping you.

MistressDeeCee · 05/07/2018 18:12

So he could have asked your DD to bring her washing in but rather than simply do that, he had to come to you, make it an issue by telling you DD was working up a rage? He was spoiling for an argument about it? That's what I thought after I'd read your 2nd post

I'm not excusing your DDs behaviour towards you but if she's grown up in a tense, hostile atmosphere then she understandably has issues of her own that she needs help with. Hopefully her therapy will help.

I assume you are all living together in the same house. As he has keys to a new place why can't he just go?

I don't need to play sleuth to see you are clearly stressed and unhappy

What stage are you at re selling the house and is there equity? I'm assuming you've been in touch with local authority to explore rehousing options?

Awful when the relationship is over and because of bricks and mortar you still have to share living space

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