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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic Violence.... can abusers change?

30 replies

ReggieR · 03/07/2018 10:43

Basically what it says on the tin....

If a man is capable of domestic violence, can he change or is he always going to be a violent individual no matter how much therapy/treatment/he wants to change?

I am well aware that women also can be abusers so no disregard, just interested to hear people's opinions/stories.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/07/2018 11:40

I would say he is unlikely to change unless he undergoes intense, long-lasting therapy (and fully participates in it). Even so, it's a long shot. And I would say the same about a female abuser too.

Are you OK, ReggieR?

Karigan198 · 03/07/2018 11:41

No. They play nice for a bit to keep you from leaving and then do it again.

WellDoneTiger · 03/07/2018 11:57

No. They tend to get worse. They may say that they want to change in order to hoover you back in. Then it will start again. It took me years and years to recognise the cycle. It took a huge amount of help and support from Women's Aid to realise what my ex was doing to me and now my daughter.

SoddingUnicorns · 03/07/2018 11:58

Not in my experience. Are you ok OP?

Tatiannatomasina · 03/07/2018 12:05

No, I interview DV offenders every week and the level of victim blaming and minimisation is frightening. Do they change. No, they just go on to pick their next victim once they have lost interest in the previous one. It is chilling to listen to.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2018 12:07

Nah

Candypinkstars · 03/07/2018 12:13

Highly unlikely. What Tatianna says.

Unable to accept responsibility for themselves, still reacting from the place of a child, emotionally. Everyone else is to blame.

If you do some reading around verbal aggression, those cases where it's been successfully changed have taken alot of counselling. And serious dedication by the offender to use different strategies. They often can't do it.

If you cannot recognise you are at fault, taking responsibility to change is impossible. One they hit their 30s and beyond it's baked in. No chance of change save something huge happening to them that wakes them up. Caught earlier? As in teens or early 20s? Maybe. But I wouldn't hold out hope or put money on it.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/07/2018 12:15

No. If you are being abused please try to get some help and support to get away.

Original poster
ReggieR · 03/07/2018 12:31

Thanks for the messages, really scary.

I'm ok - some heavy pushing over the weekend, not for the first time and has terrified me as unprovoked (again) and he's usually almost horizontally laidback. Have spoken to Womens Aid and got lots of professional advice as well as RL support from family and friends.

He is as shaken up as I am and made an appointment yesterday with a top anger management therapist for this evening.

I was just looking for some other stories I guess x

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 03/07/2018 12:36

OP have you checked out the Freedom Programme? They can do a lot to help unravel it all in your own mind and help you to see it clearly.

Are you currently safe?

Tatiannatomasina · 03/07/2018 12:42

Ask yourself if he pushed his boss about what would happen to him? Then ask yourself why he wouldnt do this to his boss? If he can control himself with other people then you have your answer. I would tell him to leave on the proviso he changes and only once he proves he has changed does he get to even think about coming back. Honestly they never do in my experience and pushing is just the start of a long slippery slope.

Original poster
ReggieR · 03/07/2018 12:50

@SoddingUnicorns - yes absolutely safe, thank you.

@Tatianna -you're completely right...

I think my only answer is to leave, as hard as it is.

Thank you so much for your help

OP posts:
onlyconnect · 03/07/2018 12:58

I think if the person absolutely wants to change, isn't blaming the victim, isn't minimising and is prepared to follow programmes to help with a fully open mind then he may be able to change. I know an example of it.
It is very hard though, as is any change. I struggle to change things about myself that I don't like. However much someone may want to change it's not guaranteed but genuinely wanting to is the starting point.
It's very depressing to think they can't change. If you get away, they're just left to find the next victim.
It is in women's interests that these men change.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/07/2018 13:04

Anger management is one thing.
DV is another (although they can overlap of course)
He would need a DV course.
And he is not supposed to be with his 'victim' whilst undergoing this and it takes around 2 years!!!!
And it hardly ever works any way.
They either don't change or find another way of abusing you.
Please leave.

THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE AMOUNT OF ABUSE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP IS NONE

Stay safe OP.

MissTeBe · 03/07/2018 13:12

My experience is the same I’m afraid

He promised he would change

He went on a course for abusive men

He now says says that his behaviour was because he dad set a bad example and his behaviour “wasn’t that bad..... as he had never hit me like the other men on the programme”

I left. My children and I deserve better than that

SendintheArdwolves · 03/07/2018 13:19

I'm so sorry you've been through this op. It's tough - and I know it's easy for us to say leave and much harder for you to do.

However - you say that this isn't the first time it's happened. You also say that he's "as upset as you are".

1)What was he like after the first time? Tbh, if that wasn't enough to shock him into serious change, then why is this time any different? (My guess, BTW, is that the difference this time is that he knows you are seriously considering leaving. So he's having to work extra hard to reel you back in).

B) I highly doubt this is "as upsetting for him as it is for you". This is a classic piece of manipulation designed to reframe him as a victim, and to get you to comfort him for his abuse of you. He will apologise, say he's a terrible person, can't ever forgive himself, he doesn't deserve to ever be loved, cry like a little boy, etc. You'll find yourself in the position of reassuring him he is loveable, he's just under pressure at work, he's a good husband and father, etc.

Don't fall for it.

Roxie33 · 03/07/2018 14:00

I would say yes but I'd be lying, I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years also had a son with him the 1st time he hit me was scary he apologised and said he'd never do it again and that I needed to change.
I changed my ways he still didn't like it I then became his everyday punchbag whilst my son who was 1 at the time witnessed it all, the last incident was when he locked me in my own home with my son and beat me. Tried to slit his own throat and slashed all of his arm, the paramedics told him he was an inch away from his main artery in his neck. My son seen it all. I had a restraining order against him after that he tried to contact me to gain access to his son. He was charged for ABH and GBH and had to go on an anger management course.
They say they will change they never will. Once they do it once they think they can do it again and again to you. It's not right no woman should ever have to go through being abused by a so called loved one.
Get out while you can cos he will never change.
My XP now has a healthy relationship with our son who is now 9 and absolutely adores him. I'm with someone who treats me right.
I hope your ok 🙂

AnyFucker · 03/07/2018 14:30

"Anger management" is misguided. He would only benefit from anger management if he was pushing everyone to the floor when they didn't comply with his wishes. So...his boss, his mates, the girl behind the bar, the guy who bumps into him in the street who outweighs him by 3 stones. He'd be knocking them all about.

What he is doing to you is abuse and there should be no medicalising of that.

doiwanttospeak · 03/07/2018 14:57

Yeah he's "shaken" is he?

I remember being told that. Many times.

'Twas just part of the act - make the victim sympathetic to the abuser

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 03/07/2018 15:00

No, I’m really sorry but it will get worse. But you’re amazing to have come to the conclusion that you need to leave. Please please follow through. You deserve better Flowers

Eesha · 03/07/2018 15:09

My ex did one of these courses, the course leader said he was medium risk. He never hit me but was verbally abusive. I don't think they change unless really hitting rock bottom. My ex was just arrested for a similar incident and I'm hoping this is rock bottom for him.

Orangecake123 · 03/07/2018 15:50

My new rules are :

1."When someone shows you who they are believe them" the first time.

  1. Look at deeds and not words.

I kept giving third and 4th chances and kept believing that boy was actually better than the behavior he was showing me.

You won't believe it now but you deserve so much better than to live in fear and to walk on eggshells.

Valanice1989 · 03/07/2018 15:54

"Anger management" is misguided. He would only benefit from anger management if he was pushing everyone to the floor when they didn't comply with his wishes. So...his boss, his mates, the girl behind the bar, the guy who bumps into him in the street who outweighs him by 3 stones. He'd be knocking them all about.

This.

OP, I would leave.

stormymcstormface · 03/07/2018 17:08

My two pennies

He cried, promised change, made an effort too

It just got worse

He cried, he promised to change

I nearly ended up in hospital

I’m sorry. It broke my heart but he wasn’t the man I had fallen in love with. I doubt you fell in love thinking the man would do this to you.

I left- it was so so difficult but I came to realise he was never going to change.

I read so many threads on here and lists from google of signs your abuser is changing.

He wasn’t. I just got it worse.

ClaryFray · 03/07/2018 17:29

No.

Look at the freedom project, they can but they need to want to and its not over night.

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