Husband coming home to talk

[CollyWombles]

Things have been stressful this last two months. I fell pregnant unexpectedly and miscarried. My DD broke her arm badly on a trampoline. My son has ASD and has been having meltdowns almost nightly over sleeping. We have a 14 week puppy which I am trying to train. Money hasn't been great due to birthdays and school stuff. I am on meds for severe depressive episodes and my mood has dipped a lot. DH has been working sometimes 6 days a week and is tired.

Two days ago we had an arguement. It was quite late at night, my DS1 has fallen and had a small cut on his scrotum. My DS2 was having another meltdown about going to sleep. My DD1 was crying because her father (not DH) had taken her to the beach and not bothered with sun cream, she is a redhead and fair and her back was terribly burnt. The puppy was running amok.

I sorted DS1 cut, cajoled DS2 out of his meltdown, put cream on my DD back and gave her pain relief. By the time I came back downstairs I was stressed to the point of tears. I said to him I thought we had made a mistake getting the puppy. I suppose I was looking for reassurance, comfort, but he just said well get rid of her then, picked her up and took her outside. When he came back in, he asked me what's wrong and I just said there was no point in talking to him because he is unsupportive.

When DD2 broke her arm, it was broken in two places with the bone through the skin. I was trying to hold it together waiting for the ambulance, keeping her as calm as I could and all he could think about was getting to work.

He didn't want the pregnancy, so wasn't upset when I lost it. I know I need to sort out contraception, it's just a long waiting list to be fitted with the copper coil as I can't use any hormone based contraception due to PMDD.

He accused me of spending money like water because during the first month where I couldn't walk the puppy due to her vaccinations, I rented some movies to watch in the day on the Xbox. They were £2.49 and over the course of a month, I rented around 20 I would say. I don't spend money on myself at all, clothes are bought from primark, I cut my own hair, do my own eyebrows and lip, rarely buy make up or shoes. The only money I do spend on my self is buying ejuice and coils for my vape. He still smokes and spends around £20 a week on tobacco.

Anyways, yesterday he went to work without saying a word. By 11pm he still wasn't home so I called him and he was at his colleagues house. He didn't bother to text me to let me know. I was upset so in anger I told him just to stay there for the night. I don't have a problem with him not coming home, but a text to let me know so would have been appreciated.

I calmed down and asked him to come home to talk about things. He said there was nothing to talk about because everything is always his fault, he isn't supportive and that I always say I would be fine if he left. He again said I spend money like water.

My DH is also a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober a year come August. Last week he said he thought he might like to have one or two drinks again, with the weather being nice and he thinks he could drink in moderation. My DH used to drink 8 litres of cider a day. He can't drink in moderation.

This colleague he stayed with last night has just split up with his wife. He has a spare room, he drinks and my DH really likes him.

I can't help but think that DH is looking for a way out from the hectic life of a family with four kids, two dogs, stressed wife etc, for a life of hanging out with his mate and drinking again.

I have no idea what to say to him when he arrives, I don't know what to do. I do love him, but we have said things that have hurt each other and I don't know if there is any coming back from it all. What do I do?

Call it a day. I would.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would also call it a day, there seems nothing positive about this whole relationship at all.

Puppy stays in. Dh is out.
Watch your stress levels drop once he is gone.
Ime.

It does sound like you are both very stressed. Try talking things out first. With 4 DC you need structure and a budget. As for getting contraceptive sorted, why can't he get the snip? That would help with the stress and fear of oopsy pregnancies.

Keep the puppy, throw the dh out

What are you getting from this relationship?

I do think your DH is being unreasonable, even childish but it also sounds to me that you both have way too much to cope with and neither of you can get on top of it all.

Perhaps try to talk about what’s important and has to stay and what can go or be de-prioritised.

It may be your relationship has to go, but it may just be that quietening down your lives will help.

I think you need to take control trip of your own destiny, why buy a puppy when you have 4 kids, are already stressed and have little support? Ask the breeder to take the puppy back (it will easily be rehomed at that age) and have an honest conversation with DH. I would be annoyed if I was working 6 days a week and coming home to a bloody puppy, 4 children, a dog and my partner was watching movies on Netflix!
I sound harsh and I don't mean to, but It all sounds very chaotic and you sound quite passive (watching 20 movies in a month because you can't walk the dog, getting pregnant because there is a long-wait for the clinic)

Have a really honest conversation tonight, good luck op

Sounds like you're both stressed. Four kids and two dogs is a lot. Especially when money is tight. Do you work or is he the sole wage earner?

Sometimes as much as it would be ideal to be able to manage life together and support each other, just surviving is all you can manage.

Sounds like the stress of every day life and money is getting to you both. You probably need to talk more and have more empathy for each other. Right now it's like each of you are just surviving and resenting each other for your life choices.

Op adding a puppy to an already stressful house probably isn't the way to go right now.
You sound really bogged down with the dc already.
Can the breeder take the dog back?
Insurances and food for the dog will add up and having the tine to train and excercise a puppy is bloody hard work.

A proper budget so you both know where you are where monies concerned is the place to start maybe.
If you guys can sit together one evening when it's calm and work your way through finances and both accept you both need to stick to a plan would be a good start.

Does your do work full time?
Maybe the strain of four dc and an unhappy wife is pushing him into a negative mindset which won't help if he's trying to stay sober.

You guys both need to support each other.
It's really hard when dc are young and monies tight but making a good team between you and having a United front together will help you both through the rough times.

Good luck op

As a matter of interest whose idea was it to get a puppy that needs training? I'm all for dogs becoming part of the family but they need as much looking after as a child IME.

Would the breeder take the dog back?

Where on earth do you live where there's a long wait for contraception?

I don't think you should keep your dogs - you have too much on your plate. Your husband sounds bloody useless and you are struggling with four children. Why did you get a puppy when you don't have much money or time?

I don't want to be horrible, I really don't, but why in the name of Fuckity-Fuck would you bring a puppy into this disaster?!! At what point did you ever think that was a good choice? I am properly disgusted at the breeder for allowing you to have it and can only assume ethics aren't at the top of their priorities. Rather than take puppy back to the breeder I would sign over to Dogs Trust. At least they'll vet the prospective new owners and makes sure they're suitable.

I'm sorry, I really don't want to be a bitch but the welfare of the defenseless (ie, your animals and your children) has to come first. You can work on or end your relationship as you see fit but your top priority right now should doing the right thing for the puppy.

I agree if you don't want, can't afford and can't cope with another child, then you both need to sort contraception out. Adding a fifth child into the mix right now wouldn't be wise.

Getting a puppy is done, but it does take time and effort to train a dog, so it was a surprising decision given the context, given that neither of you were already coping and money is tight.

Spending money on movies and x box when you don't really have it to spend and just because you're bored isn't smart. Especially if you know your partner is already stressed about money and providing financially.

You're both making these lifestyle decisions so you need to both understand rhe impacts of those decisions and try to work together. It just sounds like there is very little thought going into planning as adults. Right now you need to work out how to cope with what you a,ready have, not add more to the mix. Having another baby because the wait for contraception is too long is nuts.

You both need to step back, say ok we made these decisions, so now we have to manage them as best we can and come up with a plan to support each other through them.

I agree. Rehome the puppy, sort out contraception, talk about setting a budget. Try to stop blaming each other and work together. That's what a partnership is for.

The puppy is not being rehomed. She is well looked after, walked, in training and loved. I was overwhelmed and just wanted a bit of support. It was a joint decision to get the puppy.

I don't work currently, I finished work in April after 4 years of working full time. I am retraining with college at the moment. My DP works full time, he used to be at home. One of my problems is that I am really missing being at work.

I don't watch movies all day either, sometimes one a day yes, but not all day! I have schedules and routines for keeping the house clean and for the kids to do.

I live in a rural part of Scotland. The waiting list at the gp is 3 months and 4 months at the hospital clinic. We were not trying to have a baby or get pregnant, we were DTD at unfertile times according to an app I use to track my cycles and fertile periods.

Should have known better to post about this on MN, disaster? Watching films all day? Deliberately trying to have another baby? Puppy needing rehomed? Wow.

Most of the time I cope perfectly fine and well, as I said, it had been a rough month!

1. condoms...they're a thing
2. have you tried couples therapy at all?

Condoms are widely available op there is really no excuse. The dc would love a dog it’s just not partial cost wise and time to train a puppy and insure and feed it. You need to acknowledge your part in this mess in the way your dh needs to be more supportive. Could you not work part time for a while if you’re missing work so much?

Show him this post. You give an overview v well. Maybe he will realise the toll on you when he reads it.

Agree with the above about the puppy and the need to work together on a budget etc.

Having said that, you are also unwell and need support. How likely is it that you are going to get cooperation from him given that he is a recovering alcoholic who is thinking about drinking again. Did he drink when he was round his mate's house the other night?

The last think you need to compound all this is a drunk husband. I think if he is going down that road again, you need to tell him to go and live elsewhere while you figure out how to deal with all of these other problems on your own.

Sorry if you feel abit bitten at op but seriously though read your original post.

Everyone's offering solutions or helpful advice or practical advice and your not accepting it.
Maybe that's why there's a situation in the first place.
So your at college re training have a dh working full time and four dc then you get a puppy which adds more financial strain Aswell as time consuming.

Seriously takes three to four months for a gp appointment or have I got that wrong?

Using the withdrawal method or no sex at fertile times is going to get you pregnant again soon. It's not the best way.

Why don't you or your dh get the snip.
As soon as I knew I'd had enough financially and practically I saw a gp was referred and has a small op to tie my tubes.

Sorry if you feel abit bitten at op but seriously though read your original post.

Everyone's offering solutions or helpful advice or practical advice and your not accepting it.
Maybe that's why there's a situation in the first place.
So your at college re training have a dh working full time and four dc then you get a puppy which adds more financial strain Aswell as time consuming.

Seriously takes three to four months for a gp appointment or have I got that wrong?

Using the withdrawal method or no sex at fertile times is going to get you pregnant again soon. It's not the best way.

Why don't you or your dh get the snip.
As soon as I knew I'd had enough financially and practically I saw a gp was referred and has a small op to tie my tubes.

So much assumptions. Condoms are indeed a thing, except my DH and condoms don't work together, without going into details! We were barely DTD anyways because I was so afraid of another pregnancy.

You can buy condoms everywhere.

Netflix is much less than £60 a month.

You need a puppy like you need a hole in the head.