What’s it called when someone does increasingly boundary pushing/bullying things and then become a victim of your reacti

[whydough]

My H believes that he is abused/nagged by me because I ask him not to do things which upset me or humiliate me or sometimes mildly harm DC and I.

A few examples but by no means exhausting:

I get bad travel sickness,’but H will never let me drive, speeds up when I ask him to slow down, and gets angry when I ask him to stop because I feel ill.

H will shout at me in front of friends and family because he thinks I have said something inappropriate or embarrassing. It’s usually when I try and tell an anecdote or something. Everyone usually feels very awkward and I feel very embarrassed. He uses correcting and shouting at me in public a lot to get me to comply or agree to things I don’t want to.

He carries DCs on his shoulders or higher than him and he barely skims doorways when he takes them through. I warn him as I can see that he is about to hit their heads, and he often does. He hates being warned or asked to be careful but 9/10 their heads get hurt. He actively does it more if I bring it up or ask him to be careful.

He keeps me awake at night by playing loud videos on you tube. If I ask him to switch them off he plays them louder.

He subjects our lives to constant change, often of residence and circumstances. He interferes with household arrangements so I rarely know where I stand or what support I have.

If I bring up that I do not like these things he says I am “always complaining,” that he feels “beaten down like a dog” by me as in my eyes he can never get anything right. Or he has a problem with the way I talk to him and wants me to approach him in a different way / eg politer or at a different time. When I do that in the way he wants he acts exasperated saying why am I still going on about it? Do I not have anything positive to say to him? Why am I so negative?

I am aware he is a bully and abusive. I just wondered if there was a name for this particular type of manipulation and how to deal with it until I work out how I can leave.

Sorry you are going through this I'm sure someone will be along with better advice but I'd just say he's acting like an abusive twat.
Even if you get a formal label it's not going to make his behaviour improve.

He is emotionally abusive. I’m sorry. You deserve better.

Sounds a lot like my ex. I don't have any coping strategies except to say try not to get frustrated when he acts in exactly the way you expect him to act. I still have a kind of bingo game with my ex where I predict what he'll do and then get a small amount of pleasure being able to tick it off when he does it.

I don't think you need to put a name to it. Just make your plans to get out of there.

I don’t know, but I’m following

Why do you feel that you need a specific label for his type of bullying abuse? He sounds awful and regardless of what it’s called, he is purposely hurting and upsetting you and your DCs

I hope you have some support in real life - I’m sure the people who see you being humiliated by him would be more than happy to help you out of this situation.

He sounds like the type who will continue to be awkward and difficult even after you split, so you will need to be strong to deal with him. Luckily there are lots of wise women on here who have been through it and can help you with the practicalities.

You only get one life and you really don’t want to spend it with this man anywhere near you.

Look up narcissist.

Thanks everyone. I only want a name for it so I am able to label it better in my head. When it’s not labelled for me, a lot of bad behaviour slips through the net because I start seeing each situation individually. “Oh H is triggered by talking about X so I shouldn’t be upset he refuses to talk about it,” or “H has had a bad day so no wonder he’s shouting.”

I want to be able to recognise it quickly and categorise it and that can only happen, for me at least, by gaining a better understanding of what he is doing. In fact, i’d probably see all the small ways he does it as well as the big ways

He sounds awful, op. The not letting wives/GFs drive is common among relatively 'normal' men and I had seriously stand my ground with DH that I would be doing 1/2 of the driving (I was a safer more attentive driver). My DH also can't help constant small abuses of power; turning volume up when I've asked him to turn it down for example.
That said, DH is generally kind and caring, outside of the small scale/trivial patriarchal power trips. Yours does not sound kind and I hope you can get away from him ASAP.

He’s abusing you. There’s some gaslighting going on too, but really that’s the only label you need my love.
What do friends and family think about his behaviour.

Your husband is a gaslighting cunt. I don't use the c-word very often, but it jumped out as I read your OP.

Call or label it what you want, once you have identified it please leave him.

He is a bastard.

HTH.

Seriously though, how will knowing the answer help you or your poor DC in any way?

You are kneeling down looking at the gunshot wound in your chest saying "Hmm, I wonder what kind of bullet is in there?" And bleeding to death. GET HELP.

You poor thing, my OH does have a habit of putting me down in company, he did it at a dinner party last month, I just sat at the other end of the table and had a lovely evening, he complained afterwards that he did not know what we were talking about. I said books we had read which was true. But we then had an argument a few days later and I told him the truth that I had removed myself to avoid being put down again which embarrassed our hosts and other guests. He was stunned and shut up. I do not think he will do that again now he knows what a show he made of himself.

I would forget about understanding or categorising it is n your head and start making plans and provision to get yourself and your children away from the his abuse.
How many minor head injuries do your children need before you want to remove them from the situation?

I know I sound really harsh, and I appreciate one of his tactics is to keep you confused and disorientated, but you need to plan.
He will never agree he is doing anything wrong, don’t consider reasoning with him.
Check out the FreedomProgramme and start thinking of exit strategies, friends , family ,refuges.
Sorry you are in this dire situation op.

Gaslighting definitely fits perfectly in with his behaviour. Provoking you into anger/frustration only to give himself cause to be upset and “victimized”. He sounds awful. Good luck moving forward

How about narcissistic abusive cunt?

Blame shifting is when he tries to make you out to be the bad guy and him to be the victim.

I also see you are in the phase if you can just twist and turn yourself into what he wants, then he will be nice to you again.

It just doesn't work like that because he doesn't want to be happy or peaceful. Abusers like the control to make you dance and do back flips for them and then change the rules.

So yes, you and your DC are being abused by this asshat.

DARVO?
changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/coping/darvo.htm

Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender

I think there's only one sensible response to someone who does this : get out of this relationship.

It is coercive control. It is a criminal offence.

As DancingLedge said - it's DARVO.

By the way, he is not ‘mildly’ harming DC, he is harming them - and you. He is banging their heads on door frames, he is abusing them and their mother.
What independent income do you have?
Have you spoken to Women’s Aid or another domestic abuse charity? You need help to be able to leave.

The point where he denies his behaviour and blames you for nagging is DARVO. The overall pattern of his behaviour is coercive control. You need to look at what he is doing overall, not just that he then turns it back on you when you rightly respond. DARVO is not a criminal offence, it is how perpetrators respond, to deflect and blame the victim. Coercive control is the offence.

Your idea of labeling sounds too close to legitimating to me. It smacks of "i made him do it".
I think all you need is the grey rock technique or narcissistic shits. Dont give much away, dont react in hope he'll look for another source of his drama.
In your head tho be very clear normal people dont do more of a behaviour when told its hurting or harming someone else just to demonstrate their control. Normal people stop that behaviour and say sorry i didnt realise or i forgot etc.

By which i mean use gray rock as y0u plan leaving

As a fellow victim of an abusive narcissist-please just start planning your exit from this terrible excuse for a human..i spent ages getting library books out,reading about ex's behaviour desperately trying to find a name/reason for what was happening(i was too ashamed to tell anyone what was happening as we'd moved overseas for this supposed better life&i was completely isolated with DC)..he then attempted all the same manipulations/games once he'd met a really young girl online,moved back2UK and married her..it actually only ended after the advice i received(&biggest wake up call)from my solicitor saying she's seen hundreds of women in her practice left in far worse positions by guys like this&to count my blessings that he had left us(so the courts were100% in our favour)&simply avoid all future contact as it ultimately feeds him&my favourite"you cant negotiate with a terrorist"..that pretty much summed up all my rationing/bargaining&excusing..best of luck,stay strong-you can do it

He sounds emotionally and physically abusive and a narcissist. Please make plans to leave and I'd contact women's aid for advice as you'll want safeguarding in place. How old are your dc?

He sounds ghastly. What are you going to do about it?