Does anyone here understand the trauma of poor attachment in childhood? (triggering)

[sunshinecity6]

I'm struggling today, really struggling. My mother didn't want me from before birth. She attempted abortion but it didn't work. She never bonded with me & my upbringing was one long pattern of basic needs being very basically met but in terms of nurturance, there was nothing. When I was 4 she unsuccessfully tried to kill herself. It's in my medical records that she told the doctor 'I have nothing but coldness in my heart for that child'. She ridiculed and humiliated me, she abandoned me permanently before I was ten by just walking out. Leaving me with a father who sexually abused me for years. There then came a succession of foster homes, some abusive, some not. Now I'm deep in therapy but for the sort of damage I have the path to relief is long, slow and arduous. I'm having to learn good attachment again from scratch - only from an adults perspective which is actually very difficult. Only I'm having to be my own attachment figure. People with normal healthy upbringing's have no idea of the enormity of my task. People in the street have no idea how I struggle. The further I go in therapy, the more I learn, the more my body expresses it's pain & that causes enormous difficulty. I can't hold down a job. Don't know what I'm posting from really. Maybe just to connect with others who might understand. Maybe for support to keep going. I am bringing my father to court for the abuse but he's in his 70s now and he's had a long and happy life. There will be no bringing my mother to court for what she did. I look for the purpose in all this. I must have been given all this pain for a purpose....

no idea what to say to help. You are on a difficult journey but remember you had no choice or option with who your mother was. You have your life to live and focus on. Take small steps and heal. Take joy and love from who you can and fuck them, you are a survivor

I don’t know what to say, big hugs for you. I’m so sorry you have been treated like this and are going through this. I can tell you though, you have value and you have worth. I hope one day you will come to believe this too xx

I know you may not be feeling it, but you come across here as if you are doing well on your journey. It is a long one and requires a lot of relearning but you sound like you are grappling with the task of it. You were not born to be treated as you were. The fault of all that happened to you isn't yours, but the task to heal those wounds is. You may get tired of being strong but be kind to yourself and go back and collect yourself. Big hugs op.

You might find this thread useful
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3277669-Taking-it-out-on-your-body-exploring-possible-roots

I am so sorry you are struggling so much today. I had issues with my mother withholding nurturing, interest and affection. My hell started when I was 10 though so I had a firmer base to keep me reasonably stable. [As a very small child I was abused by my real father [slight recollections] but cannot address it with him as by the time I traced him he had passed away, I am angry I could not tell him how it had affected me so understand your frustration].

All I can say is my mother had big problems, she didn't know how to deal with them and there was no help for her anywhere. She felt a failure and was very frustrated, upset and felt judged. So I learnt to understand that she acted the only way she knew how. I was the fall guy, the brunt of her anger and took the blame for the way her life had turned out. I was the only one who knew the truth which she had to hide from everyone else.

I struggle daily to a greater or lesser extent so I recognise the feeling of feeling different, and that no one else gets it. I don't feel I function normally but manage life rather than 'live' it. Life is purely about survival, physically and mentally and only one person knows this. I was never able to work fulltime, and relationships failed. I got help t deal with it all and slowly had to work through stuff, it was very difficult.

I've come to terms with the way things were now. Mother died some years ago now and I feel free of it all but still wishing things had been different.

I hope you can find a place where you can come to terms with your circumstances and look to the future knowing none of what happened was your fault. We have to be strong in knowing we are different and that's ok, not our fault, and have to cope with our pain the best we can, hoping that someone along the way will be able to support you in the ways you need.

I sort of do, as an adoptive parent of a child who suffered early trauma and neglect. I see the battle that my child fights everyday to try and overcome the effects of her early life, and to relearn a different way of being. My child was removed from that environment at a relatively young age, so I can only imagine how it is for you.

I am, quite frankly, in awe of you. The strength and resilience needed to not only survive, but then to recognise that you can learn a different style of attachment and to actually do something about that? That is truly inspirational.

I am, quite frankly, in awe of you. The strength and resilience needed to not only survive, but then to recognise that you can learn a different style of attachment and to actually do something about that? That is truly inspirational.

Wow, thank you
Thank you all

And that thread someone linked to... amazing.

You sound amazing!! I haven't experienced what you have but work with lots of people who have. There are very very few who are able to recognise this and consistently engage in therapy to address it because as you know it's really really hard work so you must be so strong and resilient to progress this and not back down!! So many people result in having serious mental health issues, alcohol or drug issues or engaging in very unhealthy relationships. I don't know your circumstances but it already sounds like you are working really hard to build a positive future for your self. Well done and what an inspiration xx

Have you read anything by Brice Perry, your post resonates with one of the case studies in his first book where a teenage girl with lots of support learns love/attachment as a foreign language I think if you read some of his work and watch his YouTube videos you may feel pennies start to drop
The Primal Wound us another book that may help you make sense of what you are feeling it isn't an easy read though
I'm not sure if that helps I hope it does

Sorry Bruce Perry
A court option that may help you, but honestly probably won't is to sue social services if they could have acted sooner

My heart goes out to you. You have to remember that none of this is your fault. This didn’t happen to you because of who you are. You’re right that people don’t really understand the deep trauma it causes, but you sound very emotionally clever, and I think that will serve you well.
You sound amazing to be such an insightful person

My childhood was similar. I had no attachment to anyone as a child nor as an adult. I've had loads of rocky relationships, am now enjoying being single and making a big fuck up of parenting my own kids having had no parenting myself.
My kids know I love them and I know that really helps but I'm sad I'll never be able to have a ' normal' secure loving relationship with another adult. I crave a relationship but also more than anything crave solitude.
I understand and am sorry for what you've been through.
I really hope the therapy helps xx

This is a really sad post OP, my heart goes out to you Like a pp said, you sound very insightful which is great as it allows you to make sense of the situation and your feelings better. I’m a paediatric nurse and did my dissertation at uni on infant mental health, attachment and the impacts it has on child development (both physical and mental impacts). Not really sure what to say about it but I definitely know enough about it to answer some questions if you have any or to point you in the right direction.