Pregnant & Cheated Help- IM NEW

[beth189]

So im currently 9 weeks pregnant, been with my partner a year and yes everything started off great like it usually does! I have a 6 year old from a previous relationship so it was important that he was good with my son which he was!
He is a nice guy but when he is horrible, he can be really cruel, telling me how im fat, constantly pushing me to join a gym, telling me im not a strong woman! I put all this aside and tried to see the good side of him but, words stick and a part of me always thought that he must really think that if he says it over and over.
Anyway these are not excuses but more of a lead up to why things happened, I felt low, so small and no self confidence so when I met someone who made me feel like that (started off as friendship) i guess I got caught up and I made not a mistake but a stupid, messed up choice! It was only once but, the condom split and here I am now pregnant and unsure who the father is.
My partner (ex now) found out and I paid over a grand for the non invasive prenatal paternity and will find out this week if its my ex partners or not. He has said he hopes its not his child as then he can get on with his life, even though he wanted a child to begin with, then he has told me if it is his we will sit down and discuss a termination which I am not going to do! Before he was telling me that if it is his then he would be there!
So as I said he is now my ex, which I do not blame him for at all but, he said he still loves me and if this baby is his then he wants me to prove to him for 2 years that I am still worthy of another chance because I honestly did just make a stupid decision in the moment and didnt really think it through, but I did regret it straight away!
For 2 years he wants me to have as little contact with him as possible and stay away from any other men which I can do no problem because I do love him and want to make it right.
Yesterday though, he told me that he met some other girl the other night (his brothers work colleague) and shes gorgeous, and tiny, so tiny she could sit on his lap all the way back on his coach journey(basically im not tiny) and i now have some competition so if I ever want him back I need to up my game! But this has just made me feel like i have to compete with some other woman and I dont want to do that! Hes still going to be flirting away,and who knows where else things will lead, whilst im trying to prove myself to him, I know i cheated and its my fault we are in this situation but, I just wanted some advice, no criticism please, I am already feeling crap enough.

BUMP

Is this relationship really something you want? it just sounds like neither of you are happy together so perhaps depending on paternity just focus on your coparenting relationship

This is not the man for you.

I know that you probably think that if you can just lose some weight, he would love you and want you, but honestly, he would just find something else to pick on.

Love isn't based on looks.

Obviously you know that cheating was the wrong thing to do, and he has every right to be hurt, but to state that you need to stay single and don't contact him for 2 years is madness. He wants to keep you dangling on a string until he finds someone else.

He is not a nice man darling, you would be better off single.

@beth189
He sounds awful making those unkind comments; I had an ex like that once and it nearly destroyed me, mentally I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, it was terrifying.

The best advice I can give is to try to muster up the strength and take charge of the situation. I know it sounds hard but once you feel at least 90% "in control" you'll feel better. Speak to your mum or a good friend you can trust.

Remember it's your body, your test results and most importantly your decision as to how you will proceed and whatever you say goes.

Don't be frightened by "I've met this girl and she's really tiny/ preety/ successful/ " blah blah blah stories

A) it's prob not true
B) he'll soon find fault in her if he thinks it is true and
C) don't put yourself in that situation to start with

He's game playing which shows he's immature and not a nice person.

WTF are you doing even thinking about getting back together with this abusive man?

I think he's probably deliberately making you jealous because you hurt him. Not mature of him but then you shagged someone else so you're no better.

Concentrate on your unborn baby only, not getting him back. Your baby is more important than a man.

When I think about it, no this isnt the man I want to be with but, then if this child is his I have already done the single mum thing and I really wanted to be a family as stupid as it sounds.
He is not all bad, I mean he can be a really nice guy, hes took on my son, and would have raised him as his own, always came out with us on the weekends for days out but, maybe I am grateful for that so I am ignoring what he can be like.
When he is nice I think to myself, this is really everything I ever wanted but, as I said before, when he wants to be cruel he knows exactly how to hurt me.

I cheated and I was in the wrong and i 100% hold my hands up, that was weak and stupid and selfish of me.
I really do love him but, he never respected me and thats probably my own fault, but, if he didnt respect me before then he never will

Why did you cheat? Clearly something was not right with your original relationship.
You say no this isnt the man I want to be with and you are right.
and you also say
when he wants to be cruel he knows exactly how to hurt me
Do you really want to be treated like this?

You will survive as a single mum , indeed no reason why you should not thrive as a single mum

You do not need an unkind man in your life. I hope it isn't his child.

I was stupid to cheat, and i regret that so much because i have just lost so much respect for myself too! and i cant make excuses for it but there were times when i wasnt happy and felt crap about myself, so when someone else was treating me right and making me feel good about myself i was stupid to go and fall for it all and it was a moment of weakness. The thing is when i was with my partner at times when we were happy, this was the happiest i had ever been but, i know that he needed to make some big changes

There are a few issues being conflated.

1. Your ex is a douche - he’s mean to you, unkind and makes you feel bad about yourself. That should be enough to make you end it.

1. You cheated - not great but your awful relationship is over so take it as a positive and cut ties once and for all.

1. You’re pregnant and it’s unplanned. Do you want the baby? Even if it’s your ex’s? You’ll be tied to him forever if it’s his.

My two cents? I’d have a termination and be well rid of that idiot. That might not be the popular choice but I’ve seen enough women have unplanned children with feckless gits and it rarely ends well.

What Merryoldgoat says.

Don’t blame you for cheating. He was horrible to you. Your only mistake was not to dump him first.

All this two years bollocks is exactly that - bollocks. Never mind about proving yourself to him - he needs to prove himself to you. Why would you let an abuser angered near your child / children?

This man was never going to create a 'family' with you. Even without your cheating and paternity question it was NEVER going to be a family. It was going to you and your kids being abused with occasional glimpses of the family life you wanted to keep you hanging in there. That to me is much more a broken home than a loving single mum/father who cares for and loves their children and protects them above all else.
And as for his crazy demands of penance. Wtf. TWO years of minimum contact while you never speak to another male and he shags around and belittles you? Seriously are you considering that? You'll be so broken by the end he'll be able to move the goal posts to Mars and you will be left trying to fit his every changing image of perfect. Do not put yourself AND your children through that.
This happiest ever bollox is because the lows were so fucking low, it made the highs SEEM higher. It's not the reality, it's a rollercoaster.

I have contemplated an abortion so many times and i feel so bad for it but, then this is an innocent child, he wouldnt ever hurt a child but, this baby was made by us (potentially) and i dont feel its fair. Ive got my scan date now too and if it is his child, his mum will be there 100%

I would hope that it isnt your exes, to be honest. He sounds absolutely vile. At least if its the other blokes, you are starting from a more civil position. Being a single mother is MUCH better than being in an unhappy relationship. Imagine if you had a daughter with your ex and he was speaking to her like he does to you! It will get worse as your pregnancy (if you continue with it) develops and after the baby. Unpleasant men normally ramp it up during this time.

You have nothing to prove to him. What you didnt wasnt right, but it actually worked out pretty well because you needed to end things with this idiot anyway. Just because you did something wrong, doesnt mean you owe him anything. It doesnt change his awful behaviour. You looked in the wrong place to make youself feel better (after he made you feel worthless). You need to find your self worth in yourself, not either of these men.

In your position I would terminant and go no contact. I understand that not all women feel comfortable with terminations, thats fine, but thats what I would do. Im not sure what your exact circumstances are, but also just take a little time to consider the implications of everything on your existing child.

His mum raised an abuser. Why would you let her near your kid?

Well, lots of autocorrect fails there but hopefully you can understand.

I cross posted with you re termination.

Were you intentionally planning to get pregnant with this person? Or were you so unlucky a condom split twice? 🤔

He sounds like a prick. You’d be better off single than taking this abusive controlling crap.

Consider this a lucky escape

I’m no way would I tell a woman to get a termination - that’s a tough decision for each person. Just remember it doesn’t matter if his mum will be there - he’s still the ‘father’ (if he is) and you can’t change that which means you’re tied to each other forever.

That’s fine - just be prepared - you’ll end up raising the baby alone as his mum is HIS mum no matter what she says now.

I would not have the baby if I were you, sorry if you think I'm being horrible but this is one of the most childish posts I've seen. Your 'relationship' with him is so immature, he is horrendous, talks to you like dirt and is now throwing another woman in your face to try and make you jealous. I'd tell him he's more than welcome to her, move on and get yourself out of this nasty situation.

I think if you stay with him you will be settling for second best. You wouldn’t have cheated if you were happy with him
You deserve a happy life.

This is a mess.

Congratulations on the pregnancy though. Are you happy about it? If not, consider all your options as a single mum because this man should not impact your decision.

He's abusive and controlling. Do not under any circumstances get back with him especially now there is a child in the equation. You're right, that child is innocent and deserves better.

He's not nice. Nice men don't behave like this twunt.

Whatever you decide about the pregnancy, I hope you get some counseling.

I think the fact you have a dc from previous relationship you need to put them first and remove this man from your life, personally if it was me I would have had an abortion and made sure I had more effective protection in the future.