Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel so stupid. he's booked a holiday with someone else

49 replies

mycatsnameisbinks · 01/07/2018 22:27

Please be gentle; I feel so stupid and upset at the moment. I've name changed as I think my SIL is on Mumsnet.
My H has recently started staying with some friends as he claimed he was feeling really depressed and needed some time to himself. I've been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as I know he has had some really bad news in the past year as well as losing a family member recently but he's stopped talking to me about things and been acting really out of character. I realised earlier that he was still logged into his emails on our computer and I saw that he's booked a trip in September for 2 adults and a pre-school aged child.
Our DS is older than that and at school and whenever I've said anything about holidays in the last few months he's said he can't think about that at the moment. I've been really stupid haven't I? All I can think now is that he has an OW and he's been lying to me and my DS for months. Please can someone hold my hand? I'm going to sort out a separate account tomorrow afternoon because I know I need to get everything sorted but right now I can't stop crying.
Sorry if I'm sense; I can't even think straight

OP posts:
Itchyknees · 01/07/2018 22:28

Omg you poor thing. At least you know. There’s no ifs and buts and he might come back etc.

I’m so sorry.

TheGreatestHo · 01/07/2018 22:28

Oh honey I’m so sorry. I just don’t get why he’s dragging this out if he’s moved out though, so tread carefully

Itchyknees · 01/07/2018 22:29

Did the email have the other travellers names on it?

Original poster
mycatsnameisbinks · 01/07/2018 22:38

No name son the email. There was a link but you needed to log in. I really want it to be a mistake or something he's booked for someone else but I can't fool myself. My mum's coming with me tomorrow but she can't come up right now. If it is that he has OW then it's the end for me. It just really hurts right now. I knew something wasn't right_ that's why I looked. There's no other emails there other than work ones though.

OP posts:
ScrubTheDecks · 01/07/2018 22:49

Have you looked through his other emails? Sent, and in the deleted folder?

How very upsetting.

ScrubTheDecks · 01/07/2018 22:50

He hasn’t booked it as a surprise for his sister or something?

Original poster
mycatsnameisbinks · 01/07/2018 22:53

Can't find anything else. I think it's only because he booked on line that this email is there. He doesn't really use email or SM a lot but he has been a lot more secretive lately. He went to stay with friends just over a week ago but now I think he's probably with OW. I don't know the friend he said he's staying with as they met through his new job.

OP posts:
Barbaro · 01/07/2018 22:57

If you can, cancel the flights and the whole holiday without telling him. Then when he leaves for whatever reason he gives, pack the rest of his stuff and leave it on the door step. He'll get the picture once he finds out its cancelled and if not, the packed stuff will let the idiot know.

Oh and empty any accounts you can for yourself. Doubt the woman he is with will want him then either then he's all alone and broke.

MachineBee · 01/07/2018 22:58

So sorry OP. I think your instinct is sadly correct.

Have you checked you have all relevant papers, birth and marriage certificates, are joint accounts showing the correct balances,any ‘special’ things of your DHs still in the house etc?

AtreidesFreeWoman · 01/07/2018 22:58

So he's deliberately disengaged from his family.

Red flag just there.

You can either confront him with what you know, or start making plans you (and I say this gently) you should have done when he moved out.

Gather as much documentation as you can (payslips, pension, bank accounts etc) and see a solicitor.

Personally I'd assume it was over and get legal advice before confronting him.

Having information and a plan is having control; thus when you do confront him you'll not be thinking about what next...you'll be telling him what happens next.

MachineBee · 01/07/2018 22:59

Yes, yes to seeing a solicitor.

sirmione16 · 01/07/2018 23:01

Im so sorry, I'd personally confront him with a copy of the email on the table and sip a g&t. You know where you stand with him. Don't lower your self esteem, hold you head high- hear him out then tell him how long he has to leave and when you'll be in touch. Stay strong. We're all here for you to vent

Indisdress · 01/07/2018 23:01

Do you work, OP? Can you make up some scenario for the week detailed and see what he says? Tell him you have to work away and can he have your DS the few nights you’ll be gone?

Just as a way of seeing how secretive he’s being and to let you start making a plan without him being suspicious.

SleepWarrior · 01/07/2018 23:03

Oh no Sad

Just checking, it couldn't be a niece or nephew plus sibling could it? Or friend plus their kid? You already felt suspicious so you're probably right though, bugger Sad

esk1mo · 01/07/2018 23:03

did he book via booking.com or something? you could go to the site & click “forgot password” and it will send a link to the email address you have access to, you can change the password and log in to find any extra details (or cancel it)

MadMags · 01/07/2018 23:03

Is your ds his?

What a fucking bastard! I’m so sorry.

AdaColeman · 01/07/2018 23:05

Oh I'm so sorry, what a horrible way to find out, so very hurtful, you poor thing.

Gather financial information together as soon as you feel strong enough, especially joint accounts or accounts only in his name, and get as much info as you can about his pensions in case he is less than honest on the financial side.

A lot of men play the "depressed" card when they are cheating, it gives them an excuse for any behaviour.

Arum51 · 01/07/2018 23:10

I'm so sorry. And it's an awful way to find out. Stbexh denied, denied denied, until I discovered that he and OW were off to spend Christmas under the Northern Lights.

That's when I filed for divorce!

Original poster
mycatsnameisbinks · 01/07/2018 23:10

I have all our paperwork. His pension is just basic; I actually have a better one than he does. Not so worried about that side of things as I know I can get that sorted and will be OK financially. I'm just struggling with realising he's not who I thought I'd married. Definitely not saying anything to him until I get a separate account sorted for me. I just can't get my head around it. We've been together 10 years and married for 6. Felling really alone at the moment. The life I've been planning with him for the past 10 years has gone

OP posts:
Arum51 · 01/07/2018 23:13

And yes - get as much financial info as you can. And the marriage certificate - you can only file for divorce if you have it. So grab that, and hide it. Photocopy any financial stuff - pensions statements, any savings, shares, all that kind of stuff. Go through all that right now, before he comes back and nicks off with it (which is what stbexh did, although I did manage to get to the marriage certificate before he did).

UpstartCrow · 01/07/2018 23:18

Grab a copy of that email as well Flowers

KickAssAngel · 01/07/2018 23:24

You're not stupid. Nobody goes around thinking that their spouse might book a holiday with someone else. Who does that?

He is monumentally stupid, though. How long is he hoping to have two households running? Effectively he's got two wives, two homes, two kids etc etc. He must be beyond stupid to think that this can continue for much longer!

Get your money/future sorted out & then sit him down and tell him just how stupid he is.

CourtneyLovely · 01/07/2018 23:28

I'd be getting my facts straight before going in all guns blazing. There may be an innocent explanation. I can't think what it could possibly be, but there could be.

Original poster
mycatsnameisbinks · 01/07/2018 23:32

Thanks everyone. Feeling a little less panicked now. It's starting to sink in a bit more. My mum's going to come up for the school run in the morning and I'm going to take some time off work to get things sorted out. Need to try and get some sleep. DS will be up at the crack of dawn and right now I'm a mess

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 01/07/2018 23:37

sorry to read this OP.. this is a horrible way to discover the truth... what a lying prick.. the old 'new friend' is letting him stay .. pretty fecking generous considering they just met at his new place of work... I'd bet he's living with someone else... stay positive Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread