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Original poster

Do you think this is unacceptably unkind to DD?

32 replies

Teabay · 01/07/2018 19:11

ExH (split up & divorced 2016) is really, REALLY unkind to DDs 7 & 12. He says that their stuff at his house (the old family home, I left as he refused to go anywhere) is only to stay at that house.

DD 7 has a bike she rides hardly ever. Her bike here has just broken beyond repair. She asked him if she could "borrow" it just for this week (she rides it in the cul-de-sac after school every night) but he said No - and to her face he said "Just buy one for your mum's, your not having this one".

Same goes for books, toys, wellies, sunhat, school uniform, Kindle, Lego, etc etc.

Is it me? This is meaness on a whole other level. It makes me cry with rage for them.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 01/07/2018 19:13

I would take them to a therapist and look at reducing contact. He seems a bit abusive not letting them have their own toys.

Original poster
Teabay · 01/07/2018 19:21

You're not your, flipping predictive text...

OP posts:
Original poster
Teabay · 01/07/2018 19:29

The DDs go every other weekend, Fri Sat Sun overnight.
They always say they don't want to go, but I don't want them not to have contact with him and I know that after a little bit, they enjoy it there. Mostly. For a bit.
Has anyone experience of stopping / reducing contact they could share?

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/07/2018 19:32

I think that's fairly normal. Kids have toys at both parents' homes rather than carry them back and forward. Ditto things like wellies. But how does the school uniform work? Having to have 2 complete sets is wasteful as well as expensive.

It all sounds annoying but I'm not sure I'd see it as a massive deal. I'm probably missing something though.

PsychoPumpkin · 01/07/2018 19:38

I think he’s being unfair about the bike but I have never asked to take my daughter’s things from her dads house, she has things hat live there and things that live here.

If the girls are genuinely unhappy going there then perhaps it’s time to let them decide.

DuchyDuke · 01/07/2018 19:40

What do your daughters want?

bastardkitty · 01/07/2018 19:41

It's not things from her dad's house. It's her belongings from before the split that he will not allow her to take home. He didn't necessarily buy them.

Namethatchange · 01/07/2018 19:48

He sounds horrible however it depends on if he has previously given them any items to take home and if they were correctly returned. Your 12 year old is old enough to make her own decision about seeing him but it would be good if she kept going for a couple of years till the youngest could decide for herself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2018 19:53

He seems to be using his children to further control you as well.

Is their contact with him formalised through the courts or is this an informal arrangement?. How does it benefit them having contact with their dad at all if this is how he behaves?. Why should they have to put up with this from their so called father?.

fattonotsofat · 01/07/2018 19:56

I can understand toys etc but things like a kindle is mean. How can they continue reading books if only allowed to have the kindle at dads.

Pandora79 · 01/07/2018 20:08

I don't allow ds to take stuff to his dad's from my house. Because it either never comes back or comes back with bits missing or broken.

I would allow him to take the bike, after agreeing with exh that if it do3snt come back or gets broken, then he replaces and it comes back to mine.

It's fairly normal for children to not take stuff between houses.

Original poster
Teabay · 01/07/2018 20:16

It's mostly belongings they had from before when we all lived in the family home.
The things I get for them, they are THEIRS and they can take them wherever, FFS!
He told them not to mention my name in 'his' house again.
They think he doesn't love them anymore.
He gaslights them too, about contact - saying "I hardly ever see you....EOW is a long time...come and see me more" but he cancelled the Wed Eve as it "wasn't really worth it". Then he denies saying it...
Aaagh!! FUCKING ex wank narc wanking twuntface.
😬😬😬😬😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Teabay · 01/07/2018 20:21

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat

OP posts:
Original poster
Teabay · 01/07/2018 20:22

@Namethatchange I agree that it's best for them to try to keep going for another couple of years, until they can really decide for themselves.
But, do you think they're suffering a bit from this?

OP posts:
Eatmycheese · 01/07/2018 20:28

Fuck the toys, I’d be more worried about the fact they can’t talk about their mother in the “family” Home and that they think he doesn’t love them. How is going there to be subjected to these behaviours in their best interests? What a nasty, insecure person he sounds.

If they don’t want to go don’t make them and see what he does.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2018 20:30

Why should they have to try with their dad for a couple more years given his behaviours now?. Both of them will be in for more of the same from him.

He is their primary male role model; what sort of relationship precisely is he modelling to his children here?. Why should this from him be at all tolerated?.

sparklepops123 · 01/07/2018 20:33

Whatever they have left there they will soon grow out of, so leave it. Just give them all the love and support u can. His problem he’s a dick they’ll realise eventually

Original poster
Teabay · 01/07/2018 20:34

@AttilaTheMeerkat. Yes, Attila, that's why I left. He's no role model at all.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2018 20:37

Not surprised they do not want to see their dad if this is how he behaves towards them.

What is the position here legally re he seeing his children?. Were such arrangements formalised through the court system?.

On a wider level how responsible is he re his children, is he paying maintenance?. Or does he regard that as your responsibility?

Are you personally in receipt of child benefit for your children?

Original poster
Teabay · 01/07/2018 20:51

What is the position here legally re he seeing his children?. Were such arrangements formalised through the court system?.

Divorced through solicitors, the order initially agreed EOW, Wed eve and Sun pm, but he asked to ditch the Wed and Sun as they "got in his way". Now he denies that and says he is lonely and that they should "call in to see him" but they don't want to.

On a wider level how responsible is he re his children, is he paying maintenance?. Or does he regard that as your responsibility?

He dicked about with the first payment of CM, so before I got played any further I registered him with CMS. He was fucking FURIOUS as they asked for £5 per child a day (£300 pm) when he only wanted to pay £215. He has mentioned this a lot.

Are you personally in receipt of child benefit for your children?

I am now - when we were married it was in his name. For the first 9 months post separation he continued to claim it and not give any to them or me - he told a mediation solicitor it was for his 'household expenses' even though the DD lived with me....

OP posts:
Namethatchange · 01/07/2018 20:56

They're only suffering in as much as they are realising tbeir father is a moron. From a court point of view I cannot see any judge agreeing that it is not in the best interests of a 7 year old to see her father because he won't let them take toys from his house home. Therefore whilst they are coping and learning what he is like I would try and keep them both going until the youngest is old enough to have her voice heard. The problem with withholding contact is that a judge could order more access to the father if he decided to take you to court.

Giraffey1 · 01/07/2018 21:02

He sounds very unkind. I could understand it perhaps if the items were things that he had got for them, but this isn’t the case. And they can’t mr toon you when they are with him? No, this doesn’t sound right and definitely not kind.
Is the contact agreement set by the court or something you’ve agreed with him? I’d talk to the D.C. and ask them what the6 want and take it from there

Original poster
Teabay · 01/07/2018 21:22

None of it is set by court.
I'm afraid of what might happen if they don't go the next time they say they don't want to.

He's too tight to pay for court, but I'm still scared of him!!
I know Blush

OP posts:
AlwaysSleepy1 · 01/07/2018 21:32

Agree with others the toys, clothes etc i think it's common not to swap around (although bikes seems a bit OTT as they only use them outside the home!) - my DSS's stuff always got lost/broken/sold at their mothers so essentially nothing goes back and forth but bikes, scooters and phones do.

Terribly unfair that they can't speak about you etc. he needs to at least pretend to be respectful of you to the kids- has it always been like that? have you spoken to him about it and the way the kids feel? it my experience kids don't give a crap what parents have done to each other they don't wanna know about it - why would they! lol xx

Maelstrop · 01/07/2018 21:36

The girls are old enough to relay a message re being allowed to talk about mum if they like, unless he would get angry/abusive?