Ending a relationship because of their child

[plusonefail]

I feel like a horrible horrible person for even feeling like this but I can’t help feeling this way.

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for about 9 months. We are great together and have such a good time when we see each other. I love him and he loves me and I could see us having a future together...if it wasn’t for his 8 year old daughter.

I have tried so hard to like her but she is, without fail, rude, demanding, disobedient,bad mannered and really difficult to be around. I have a slightly older daughter myself so I’m well aware that kids aren’t perfect and can be challenging, but her bad behaviour is relentless. Every time I see her I go in really positive and try to find things to like about her but it’s like she can’t help herself but to act the way she does. She’s been very spoiled which is DP’s fault and he admits it. He also admits that he’s been very slack at disciplining her and setting good expectations for her behaviour. He has main custody of her so if I was to live with him, she would be around nearly all the time.

I honestly couldn’t be more upset with myself for disliking a child this much - she behaves this way because it’s what she’s learnt to do so although she makes poor choices it’s not really her fault. But my blood boils when I’ve been around her for more than a couple of minutes and it’s so hard to hold my tongue. I’m scared that if I moved in I’d become this awful wicked stepmother figure, getting angry with her all the time. It would be a miserable way for me to live and not fair on her either.

It’s not a case of thinking that my own child is perfect and her not measuring up - DD is a lovely girl and generally well behaved but like all kids has her moments. I really feel that if DP’s daughter behaved like an average child and was challenging some of the time that I’d be fine with it.

I know that I should probably walk away but the thought of giving up such a lovely partner and possibly future because I don’t like a child seems ridiculous and horribly intolerant. I can’t put into words how difficult she is though.

I think that at 9 months in, this will become a bigger issue.

My exP's children were AWFUl because he allowed them to be. No discipline, no boundaries... they threw food on the floor (ages 5 and 7) cried and screamed if he didn't buy them ice-creams... he was a total Disney Dad because he was so paranoid about them not loving him because he had split with their Mum.

Yet when they were with their Mum, they behaved fine.

He needs to be a proper Dad to her - if he can't I guarantee you will lose respect for him anyway. I did with mine.

He’s a very bad parent. That’s an extremely unattractive quality in a partner.

I suppose the silver lining is that at least you have already discovered this, rather than further down the line when you are living together and he is being a terrible stepdad to your daughter or - worse - a terrible dad to a child you have together.

I think the reason you got such a negative response from your friends is the way you have framed the problem. You said “I don’t like his daughter” which might be the case but it’s not the real problem. The real problem is “I don’t like his parenting” - and it’s not just that you don’t like it, you find his parenting so problematic that his daughter’s behavioural problems are making everyone unhappy (herself included).

I do think you need to end the relationship and I think you need to tell him why, too. Don’t pull any punches. Tell him that you think his “parenting” style is damaging his daughter.

What’s her mother like? She can’t be much better if the daughter lives mostly with her dad?

You said “I don’t like his daughter” which might be the case but it’s not the real problem. The real problem is “I don’t like his parenting

spot on.
and if you do end it, please phrase it this way round.
His parenting leads to unpleasant family life.

@AgentJohnson ... exactly... disengage and get the DP to parent his child ... he will soon realise his parent skills or lack of them is the issue. The DP can either step up and parent or hide his head in the sand ...

Could you just see dp when she's at her mums?

I very much doubt the personality traits that’s led to him being a Disney Dad will be restricted to parenting. They will manifest in other annoying ways and he will respond similarly, which is that the onus will be on you to accept or adapt.

OP, I always suggest meeting the children early. It's not fair on the children as they do not decide on the relationship or a stranger coming into their life. I also met a man last year with a 8 years old daughter. She was a handful, no boundaries. I ended it immediately without investing my time.

I have decided not to date any man with young children.

Zombie thread 🙄

Walk away is the only option, you should not be unhappy in a relationship just to keep someone else happy, she maybe 8 now but as time goes on she will get even worse in her teenage years if she has no boundaries and his spoilt, trust me, there will be alot of drama which will quite possibly break your relationship, also if you decide to have kids together you can all ready see first hand at his attitude towards parenting having an out of control kid who he does not discipline, I would not be having kids with him, will just end in disaster. Also she is likely to rub her bad behaviour on to your kid if they are of the same age

It is not worth it OP. Sounds like your and your DD’s life would be a living hell around this girl and she is only 8. I can see your quality of life declining and a lot of resentment building. Leave the situation and give your lovely DD the best chance at peaceful life and happiness.

@plusonefail I know every bloody poster on here says this but she sounds very similar to a child in my family who is autistic. Unfortunately this child was parented without boundaries, and was doted on and not equipped for life, am her autism meant that she never regulated her brhaviour when she got old enough to finally notice it was different from her peers. I love kids, I am connected to and love lots of kids on the spectrum actually, but I could not last a day with her once she got to age 10. I feel like autistic kids need boundries and expectations even more than neurotypical kids. This won't get better and would be too hard on your daughter.

Sounds like she'll be a nighmare teenager! My teens are good but can be hard work at times.

I think your feelings on the matter are very likely to get worse and cause resentment, you still have the novelty of a newish relationship, imagine when that wears off. And can you imagine a life with him without living together?

I've been in the same situation and that was the reason why we split up. It was him that ended it though, he couldn't cope with our differing views.

Unfortunately OP it doesn’t sound like it would work, the happiness he brings you living with this child with no boundaries then that will bring more unhappiness in the long run. Such a shame or just agree not to blend families?

you've only been together 9 months........why the rush in meeting and 'hanging out' with his child - especially when that time is supposed to be their contact time together?

You need to find a man who was brought up with the same values and boundaries as you obviously were.