Ending a relationship because of their child

[plusonefail]

I feel like a horrible horrible person for even feeling like this but I can’t help feeling this way.

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for about 9 months. We are great together and have such a good time when we see each other. I love him and he loves me and I could see us having a future together...if it wasn’t for his 8 year old daughter.

I have tried so hard to like her but she is, without fail, rude, demanding, disobedient,bad mannered and really difficult to be around. I have a slightly older daughter myself so I’m well aware that kids aren’t perfect and can be challenging, but her bad behaviour is relentless. Every time I see her I go in really positive and try to find things to like about her but it’s like she can’t help herself but to act the way she does. She’s been very spoiled which is DP’s fault and he admits it. He also admits that he’s been very slack at disciplining her and setting good expectations for her behaviour. He has main custody of her so if I was to live with him, she would be around nearly all the time.

I honestly couldn’t be more upset with myself for disliking a child this much - she behaves this way because it’s what she’s learnt to do so although she makes poor choices it’s not really her fault. But my blood boils when I’ve been around her for more than a couple of minutes and it’s so hard to hold my tongue. I’m scared that if I moved in I’d become this awful wicked stepmother figure, getting angry with her all the time. It would be a miserable way for me to live and not fair on her either.

It’s not a case of thinking that my own child is perfect and her not measuring up - DD is a lovely girl and generally well behaved but like all kids has her moments. I really feel that if DP’s daughter behaved like an average child and was challenging some of the time that I’d be fine with it.

I know that I should probably walk away but the thought of giving up such a lovely partner and possibly future because I don’t like a child seems ridiculous and horribly intolerant. I can’t put into words how difficult she is though.

He's not a lovely person. He's a shit father who has taken the path of least resistance each and every time a choice has presented itself. This isn't a person who is capable of making difficult choices, ever. He is the fun friend, who you can have a great time with. This is NOT the person you can count on in difficult times because he doesn't have the emotional fortitude to ever make the difficult choices.

You sound like a perfectly nice rational woman and it’s not your fault you feel this way. You’re being far more mature and responsible for thinking about all of this now than getting too committed and falling into a situation where you’re unhappy and resentful. I agree that if/when he asks for your reasons for ending it you be honest and say that it’s his parenting rather than his daughter. Children are their own people but the difficulties seem a clear result of his total lack of active parenting in terms of no boundaries, pandering and spoiling. In time if it hasn’t already happened you’ll grow to resent him hugely and when the respect is gone the attraction is gone.

I’m a step mum with no kids of my own yet and while there are days when the drive me to distraction, because they’re children and can be a pain in the sodding arse, I love them with all my heart and one of the many and most important things I adore about my husband is what a fantastic father he is. He’s kind, loving, parient, fun and imaginative. He also wants to help them grow into compassionate, generous, thoughtful, creative, fun, well mannered, respectful people who have a lot to offer the world. That takes the occasional no, or not now, or early bedtime, broccoli dinner, whatever they need as well what they might want. As a result, we’re a brilliant team, I have close relationships with them and life is relatively easy. I met them about 6 months in and we found a rhythm quite quickly but love him though I do, if they’d been little monsters or he’d been a spineless doormat I’d have had no choice but to walk away.

You’d have 10+ years ahead of you if you stayed and if she’s difficult to be around now you’d be in for nightmare teens.

Be brave, remember there are other amazing men out there, some dads, lots not, and you and your daughter deserve to be happy.

AnnLoves my DH was like yours and I loved him even more because of it. Respect deepens love. Watching how he was with his DD made me eager to have DC with him, having not been interested before. He was a lovely man

And your advice is right on the button too. OP you do indeed sound like a perfectly nice rational woman.

Your husband sounds like he was a wonderful man prawn, the way you talk about him is so full of love and admiration

Did you have children together?

Leave the relationship. You can't be with someone if you had these feelings about his child. It would be so unfair for his child to live with a step mom who feels this way

It would be so unfair for his child to live with a step mom who feels this way

^

Likewise for OP. Its unfair to expect her to live like that.

AnnLoves, I love having the chance to talk about him. Yes, we had 2 DS, a happy coincidence because it meant his DD was still her DF's princess, which meant a lot to her. Then my DH got cancer and died while our boys were still quite young. I still miss him and hated being a single mum.

My DS are now in their 20s, my DSD is in her 30s and I'm a much loved DSGM to her two DC, MIL to her lovely DH. We're all close. Last year we all went on holiday for a week.

She and I have given each other so much over the decades. She long ago decided to follow my extended family's values rather than her DM's example. Even her DM has mellowed over the years, worn down by never ending courtesy and a refusal to bite back.

Yes half wit except OP is an adult and can make her own decisions where as an 8 year old can't

As others have said this isn't going to get better - she's just around the corner from the teenage years!

My step sons mother moved a man in quite quickly a couple of years ago - his daughter came every other weekend. He indulged her spoilt her etc. but was very strict on my step sons (so I'm told) - they hated it as the old ones they felt unhappy there and didn't want to see their mother when his daughter was there as they always got in trouble (daft stuff like expected to give her their sweets, Xbox etc. for as long as she wanted, she would kick off and get anything and they d be in trouble) - it really wouldn't be fair on your DD it's hard enough for step siblings anyway without added resentment for one being spoilt..

doesn't make it any easier for you I'm sure xx

I think you should bide your time. You really like this guy and kids are pretty horrid at 8. Rude etc. My niece was horrid at this age. Fast forward to age 13 and she’s now a lovely, chatty wonderful young lady. Massive change. You don’t have to move in with him right now. Why don’t you just enjoy his company for a couple of years. I think you are massively fast forwarding the future. Just chill a bit. You don’t have to have contact with his daughter and you don’t have to get on with her. You and him can have adult fun away from his parental stuff. Then in a couple of years when her friends become more important who knows what she will be like. You could regret it I think.

It's not the daughter you don't like - it's not like it's a particularly difficult personality she has or special needs causing her to act that way. It's your partner's parenting you don't like which is a massive issue and a dealbreaker.

Yanbu at all to end this relationship. This man may be "nice" at the surface level but he has shown you clearly already what he is really like - an ineffectual, terrible father. Someone who can't make tough choices to say that something difficult has to happen now for an ultimate good benefit in the future. Someone who frankly doesn't prioritise his own daughter's ultimate wellbeing and happiness over him getting a quiet life now.

He is being horribly unkind to his daughter by allowing her to grow up so undisciplined. She will be a miserable adult for decades due to him not being bothered to teach her the fundamentals of civilised behaviour now.

With a child of your own you are not just choosing a partner for yourself but also a step-father and step-sibling(s) for your own daughter if the relationship continues. For her own sake you absolutely mustn't continue. However for your own sake I think you should also steer clear - this weakness of his personality shows a general inability to confront and deal with difficulty in life. What will such a personality do confronted with the low points of a normal not-always-rosy day to day existence once the "honeymoon" period of your relationship begins to fade?

Best to end it and look again I think.

You seem to have assessed the situation spot on. He has a way of raising his DD that he thinks is best for her. He ignores the bad behaviour and focus on the good whereas you can't get pass the bad behaviour to see the good things about her.

This is a recipe for disaster if you were to move in together. You'll end up constantly trying to get insight of all what is wrong with his DD and wanting him to make changes whilst he will want you to make efforts to see her good points so you get to start to like her better. This will just breed resentment on both sides both stuck trying to prove the other wrong.

In the end, each parent is entitled to bring up their kids as they see best, and I've seen kids acting exactly like this child with very lenient parents who have ended up very pleasant adults, so he is not forcibly wrong in his views. However, you can't make yourself like her if you can't pass that behaviour, and if you can't like her and her presence makes you uncomfortable and/or unhappy, then it is never going to work.

You are better going now than later, however painful it is to leave someone you love.

You could continue your relationship without moving in together?
But do not ever entertain the idea of moving in- mostly for your own DD's sake- or it would be a complete disaster. How could you expect your DD to live with a step sibling like that? You at least are an adult.... with experience, emotional maturity, authority .....but to ask a powerless child to do so?.... No.

Leave him. Hes the only dad shell ever have. Bfs come and go.

Halfwit except that an 8 year old is incapable of packing up and getting a new dad is she?! Op should end it.

I like you a lot but your parenting skills suckand it makes more sense to end it now because if things remain the same (and you’ve given no indication that you will change), me and my daughter will get hurt.

Don’t make it about his DD, make it about his parenting because if he doesn’t change his ways, it will only get worse.

Disney parenting is always about the parent and never about the child. It’s lazy and it’s about their instant gratification, very unattractive.

Disengage from the child for a month... read up on this ... it might save the relationship.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE CHILD! It’s about her ineffectual father, who doesn’t want to see the problem (accept responsibility). No amount of reading is going to change him.

So hard op, I know myself I would find it incredibly difficult to be a step parent, it's hard enough being a parent!
I have a lot of respect for anyone who does though ( my dp has done this with my ds for 10 years and we have our own dd )

My own dd is 7 and it's a tough age but if the traits displayed are ingrained in her then it's not something likely to change without a lot of discipline and boundaries.

You need to weigh up whether the relationship is worth it, I'm sure you wouldn't want to end up hating your dp if you lived with them. That would likely happen given the information provided.
You would resent the child, resent his parenting and also have to factor in both yours and dd' happiness.

I wish you the best of luck, its a real shame if it has to end. Maybe the thought of losing you may spur him into action.

I would also worry that his parenting may reflect badly on his actual personality. Maybe he's lovely and sweet and kind and considerate now, but a bit further down the line and some real challenges may well reveal him to be ineffectual, over-concilliatory and generally non confrontational to an extent that impacts on his life.

And would you want a partner who gave in to every person who challenged him?

It's not just his parenting. It's how he is.

Leaving is the right thing to do - for you, your own DD and the DP's DD.

I did that with someone who I thought was the love of my life. He had three DCs. He had waited a long time to have them and he completely worshipped them - to the extent they never did anything they didn't want to do. Two of them had the most awful teeth and ended up in hospital to have them removed because he didn't believe they should be "forced" to brush them. They were actually nice children, just had no boundaries for behaviour. I knew my DCs would always be second in the "new" family so walked away.

she is 8.
At this age, if her dad was to man up and sort himself out and start parenting, there is a chance that she would change and things would improve.

But if he doesn't, you have all the teenage years ahead of you, and a spoilt 8 year old is nothing compared to a spoilt and entitled teen.

It can work. I have a friend who became stepmum to 2 girls, Dad was disney dad and she, I think without really thinking about it, just became a 'normal' mum to them, and they suddenly had boundaries and bedtimes and sensible food etc. Dad seemed to fall in with stepmum, and the girls improved enormously, and became really nice to be around. But I think she was lucky in many ways, the girls responded well to her, there were no other kids in the mix and so on.

I tend to think that people who can't give their kids boundaries, because they always want to be nice and never the bad guy, don't really understand human nature or love much. So I think it would reflect on his ability to love another person in an adult way, so wouldn't want to find out what that looks like a few years down the line.

Just 9 months in yet you seem to be around his daughter quite a bit. I imagine she feels unsettled. & she doesn't know you either.

This relationship won't work. It would be mightily unfair of you to move in when you dislike this child. Her dad really shouldn't be sitting there agreeing with your assessments. I hope she hasn't heard any of this

& equally isn't he then going to be your DDs stepfather? Only you've voiced no concerns about this.

Since I don't believe that parents are perfect (even if they'd have you believe they are) I'm not going to join in the criticising of his parenting skills. If I judged friends via whether their child was pristinely behaved at all times..no phase of bratty behaviour..then I'd have no friends.

OHs son was 12 when we met . I didn't meet his son until we'd been an item for 6 months. & then he met my DCs.

OH lives with his son. I live with my DCs. Different folks different strokes but I don't feel the need for OH to move in here or vice versa. We've a happy relationship.
Now that all DCs are grown, we may reconsider living arrangements in next couple of years. I'm not fussed.

Why can't you just wait? It's ok not to rush, in life. You can still have a relationship m

I feel sad for his DD tho.