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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Left me for another woman

33 replies

cockadoodledodo · 01/07/2018 10:17

My partner of two years was due to move in with me at the start of June. I thought everything was good and we were moving forwards. Except on moving in day he didn’t turn up. Didn’t answer his phone. Mutual friends were evasive when I got in touch and told me to leave it. It was never called off by him.

A few days later he was on instagram with a new partner, pictures on her page show this to be a fairly established relationship so he picked her over me and cheated. She is in the dark over me it appears.

Since then I’ve not been able to switch off from what happened. I hate him/miss him and every possible emotion in between. He was a controlling man who and I’ve lost myself along the way. I’ve never felt this low about myself, I’ve coped with worse but this has rocked me to my core. I try to keep busy but it isn’t working.

OP posts:
Emma198 · 01/07/2018 10:19

How awful. I know many would probably disagree with me but I'd message her and tell her. He's been cheating on her too and she should know he isn't what she thinks he is.

As for you, sounds so difficult but you're definitely best off out of it. Give yourself the time you need, dust yourself off and have the life you deserve instead.

springydaff · 01/07/2018 10:20

It's only been a month op. You are grieving and, as such, you will go through very powerful emotions. You can't just file them away.

I hope at some point it will register that you've had a very very lucky escape. He is a turd of a man and you are free.

Look after yourself Flowers

springydaff · 01/07/2018 10:21

Have a look at Melanie Tonia Evans re recovering from narcissistic abuse xx

Original poster
cockadoodledodo · 01/07/2018 10:30

Springydaff, he used so many abusivd techniques on me during our two years. That’s what has shook me up so much, I couldn’t see it at the time but just knew something was ‘off’ that I couldn’t put my finger on. I honestly thought I was going mad and losing my mind, yet I stupidly believed him that things were ‘good’. I spent two years wanting some commitment from him and yet he has now given this to someone new.

Last week I saw pictures of them both at the christening of a friend’s baby. He is treating her well, with respect and seems over the moon happy. Mutual friends are socialising with them as a couple and I’ve been ostracised. I’ve tried to talk to them but it is clear they don’t want to get involved and their loyalty lies with him. I feel stuck. I’m told to forget him but it feels impossible.

OP posts:
Original poster
cockadoodledodo · 01/07/2018 10:35

He isn’t like this with anyone else which is why I lost so much confidence. I look back and his actions were so calculated and cold towards me, a contrast to how he is with others.

OP posts:
Original poster
cockadoodledodo · 01/07/2018 10:36

My head knows what he put me through but then I see pictures and wonder why he discarded me. It leaves me wondering why I wasn’t enough in his eyes.

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FuckItPassMeTheWine · 01/07/2018 11:13

Trust me OP , he will be like this with her , people like that don’t change. They have a personality defect and sooner or later it will come out!

I would let the other woman know too , send her the evidence . She can do what she wants with the info but you’ve done your part then also it may feel like you’ve took control back. I blew up my ex’s world recently , I told his mum and his best friend about the missed miscarriage d&c procedure that he didn’t attend with me and also the evidence of him striking up this affair before we finished . It made me feel better saying my piece even if they chose to stand by him due to loyalty reasons xx

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 11:16

He was a controlling man

Lucky escape. Thank heavens he's not part of your life anymore.

Original poster
cockadoodledodo · 01/07/2018 11:22

Fuckit, I’d love to but she seems besotted with him so I think he’d talk his way out of it. He never publicly involved me in his life as his partner unlike her. All our mutual friends seem to be of the opinion we weren’t serious and that he couldn’t possibly have behaved as he did towards me as he’s such a kind, caring bloke.

I’ve written letters to myself to try to get my feelings out but knowing that everyone knew his feelings for her apart from me hurts so much. I’ve pretty much been replaced by her in my entire social circle.

I’m scared if I told her the true version of events, it could trigger him to try to get his own back on me. I’ve never been a vengeful person but seeing him so full on with her is incredibly painful to watch from the sidelines.

OP posts:
Original poster
cockadoodledodo · 01/07/2018 11:22

Fuckit, so sorry about your experience, I hope things are improving for you.x

OP posts:
category12 · 01/07/2018 11:25

I wouldn't tell her, it sounds like you have already lost the PR battle with mutual friends picking him, so it's likely you'd end up depicted as the "crazy ex". You'd be better off dropping contact with these people and sanitising your social media.

category12 · 01/07/2018 11:28

X-posted. It sounds like he deliberately kept your relationship quiet, so the truth is, he was never serious about you. He used you. Sorry, op.

Yummy274 · 01/07/2018 11:33

What a scumbag! Thank you lucky stars it wasnt after he moved in. By the sounds of it you have well and truly opened your eyes to his real character. You just need time to heal now from this and move forward. Revamp yourself for your own pride and benefit. Get your nails done, get your hair done. Go for a facial. Start living for the future and time will heal and you will find yourself in a better place. Don’t let this beat your confidence down, it was him not you remember that always! Men like him can’t change, he will be miserable one day as karma catches up with him so the only thing you have to worry yourself with and prepare yourself for is when he wants back in. Which he most probably will to boost his ego when she tells him to piss off. You want to be a stronger version of yourself then so you can tell him to his face it was the best thing he ever done for you!! Chin up OP!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/07/2018 11:38

If he never treated you as his DP in public then your relationship never meant anything to him. You were convenient.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. As soon as you can face it, please do the Freedom Programme. It would be most unwise to get into another relationship until you have, because it is likely to happen all over again. Bastards seek out the vulnerable. They smell blood in the water like sharks.

Paperdoll16 · 01/07/2018 11:41

Op, the mutual friends; were they yours or his initially? As you've been together two years I'm wondering why they're all remaining so loyal to him?

Something doesn't seem right. Are you sure you weren't the OW as you've said he shares pictures of her publicly? Plus they've gone to a friends christening recently?

Oh and how do you know for sure he treats her differently and she seems so besotted and happy? Is that through pictures? Even if they are (for arguments sake) he's going to show his true colours eventually and will be the controlling and cheating scum bag he was to you too.

Hold your head high and be glad he's out of your life. He's an absolute coward for not even having the decency to let you know. Thanks

TrustIsGone · 01/07/2018 11:50

This is all super odd. Are you the OW?

Sommelierrrr · 01/07/2018 13:21

I don't think this is super odd at all. Or that op is ow.

Op delete and block for starters any way of seeing them together. Move on from there. Anyone who sides with your ex and considers your relationship not serious when you were about to move in together is not your friend.

Please do the freedom programme and read why does he do that by lundy Bancroft. Consider yourself having had a lucky escape. X

Nellia · 01/07/2018 14:36

The mutual friends do not sound like they where your friends. Id give them and him a wide bearth

Nellia · 01/07/2018 14:37

Tbh you sound like you where unwhittingly the other woman although everyone else knew.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 14:42

It does sound like he kept you hidden for a reason. I'm also thinking you were unknowingly the OW.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 14:49

Did you ever meet his family?

Original poster
cockadoodledodo · 01/07/2018 15:01

No, I wasn’t the other woman. We dated for a year with him being slow to progress things or call me his partner. His new partner then came on the scene as a friend and he helped her out after a divorce. As his input into her life increased, his time and effort with me slowly decreased. When I’d challenge him on this he’d gaslight me or go silent, I thought I was being clingy and my confidence was so low because of how he was treating me.

I wasn’t hidden as such. Mutual friends (mainly his) knew about me but he’d never put a picture of us on Instagram whereas he’d share pictures of him with her daughter and her on days out. I was a mug.

OP posts:
Original poster
cockadoodledodo · 01/07/2018 15:03

I do think the others knew what was going on between them way before I did. In that case I guess I had become the other woman.

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Nellia · 01/07/2018 16:23

Classic case of hedging his bets. Sorry op that really sucks.
IT will take a while to get over a betrayal like that. Id start with going no contact with 'mutual' friends as they do not sound like friends at all.

greendale17 · 01/07/2018 16:27

Mutual friends were evasive when I got in touch and told me to leave it.

She is in the dark over me so it appears

^Your so called mutual friends blatantly knew about the other woman OP.

And I would certainly be telling the new woman about yourself

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