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Original poster

Affair that never ended

29 replies

cantdecidewhattodo123 · 01/07/2018 09:23

I am a long time lurker, posting for the first time to get some objective feedback please. Married 20 years, teenage kids, good marriage on the whole. 18 months ago I discovered texts on H phone to a woman , he said it was just a stupid flirt- meant nothing. He started behaving strangely, away a lot for work over next 6 mths but always denied any problem. Long story short I discovered 1 year ago that he was having affair with woman in another country, meeting in hotels during the week. He said it was over in March, wanted to work on marriage. My F left my DM at around the same agefor a OW and was never seen again. I never suspected my H of infidelity. He is unhappy and frustrated in work and seems to resent me for decisions that were made jointly but have turned out to not be what he wanted. He said he felt ignored in the family.and that I did not pay enough attention to him. Anyway , we decided to work on marriage, all seemed ok then 6 months ago I discovered long whatsapp exhange over previous 6 mths between them of passionate affair, looking for a flat together, ready to leave, loves her so much, star crossed lovers etc.. . Confronted him and he collapsed. After a week II took him back. Things have been fairly good since then, doing more together, starting to rebuild trust. Then about 1 month ago he started travelling again and 1 week ago I found evidence ( I checked and feel bad about that) that he was in daily contract with same OW and responded to a suggestion that they have a trip away that he would book flights and hotel. I confronted him, he said it means nothing, he has not and and will not meet her.It means something to me, my peace of mind is gone. I am not financially dependent and believe emotionally I can get over this and maybe even feel happy again someday. So why am I willing to believe his obvious lies when he says he wants to work on marriage but keeps in contact with OW ? I feel worthless and exhausted, I can’t continue like this. He is away for a few days ( with DD so no risk of OW liasion) . I can‘tdecide what to do.. Any advice is really welcome. thanks

OP posts:
fedupandnogin · 01/07/2018 09:28

Flowers A similar thing happened to me seven years ago. I discovered something going on. I was told they were just friends, he was helping her sort out some problems in her marriage, etc, etc. I said he was being deceitful by hiding it from me and it was an emotional affair. He told me that I wouldn't have liked him having this contact with another woman which is why he never told me. Well guess what? 18 months later I discovered the relationship was still going on and he wanted to leave me. Divorced now and in a new and very happy relationship. You can't trust him. This is not a life you want to leave. Sort out your finances and then tell him you want a divorce.

Ophelialovescats · 01/07/2018 09:38

My condolences OP.
Sadly this marriage has to end but , understandably, it is not the outcome you want. You have given him chances and invested in rebuilding after discovery.
Your h is a weak man , you are the stronger , honourable person.
You will get through it and get your self esteem back.
Good luck.

Original poster
cantdecidewhattodo123 · 01/07/2018 09:48

Thanks for replying. he says he just responded to OW re-establishing contact because he doesn‘t want to seem nasty ( he is a people pleaser) but now realises this was wrong and there has been no contact since. I know he is in contact because he wants to be. I just don‘t understand why he wants both our marriage and this affair ( surely recipe for disaster all round) or why I can‘t let go.

OP posts:
Ophelialovescats · 01/07/2018 09:57

It's normal for you not to want to let go. You have invested years in your marriage and family life.
His "I'm a people pleaser" excuse just sums him up ! (You are way too good for him)
My advice would be to tell him it's time to sit down and a family and tell the teens and then for him to move out and start divorce proceedings. He can 'prople please' some friends to say in their spare room.
I think you have let him call the shots for too long .

springydaff · 01/07/2018 10:01

Get some therapy (alone) to work through this. He's fucked with your head and you need some clarity, which you will get in therapy.

I'm so sorry he has been a very selfish man. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it is the bottom line I'm afraid. All the bleating about this or that is nonsense, he simply wants it all and doesn't mind dragging you through hell, decimating your heart and your peace of mind.

He doesn't get enough attention? Ffs. Give me a break Angry

Ophelialovescats · 01/07/2018 10:07

Oh yes ...'the poor me not getting enough attention '. He's hardly giving you enough attention , is he ? And , likely, wasn't before the affair.
As for the OW ?? What the f* is she like ?
Letting an old , needy, randy goat use her like this ?
They are well suited !

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 01/07/2018 10:09

He has had numerous chances & still continues with the ow, please find your self respect & tell him your marriage is over before he completely erodes your self worth.
He thinks fuck all about you & your family-if he did he would never had started the affair let alone continue it right under your nose when given a 2nd chance.

Ophelialovescats · 01/07/2018 10:13

Do your teens know what a weak, selfish person their father is ?
If not, you need to give him the opportunity to tell them himself or you tell them.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 01/07/2018 10:37

Not concerned about pleasing you, is he?

MMmomDD · 01/07/2018 10:40

OP - if very clear why he wants both the marriage and the affair to go on.
Marriage gives him stability, and security of a family.
Affair gives him excitement, excitement, emotional connection, variety in his sex life.
He clearly has some feelings for that specific other woman - or he’d have dropped her and moved on to another one.

And - given that your reaction to date had been to let go and forgive - he thinks this can continue.

If you decide to stay - I don’t think he’ll actually ever leave you. And he’ll make efforts to cover up his tracks better next time.
But if you stay, you’ll need to accept an ostrich approach and keep your head in the sand.

Original poster
cantdecidewhattodo123 · 01/07/2018 10:53

thanks, sadly I think that‘s true. I can‘t ignore it though. he won‘t even accept it‘s wrong. At some level I think he expects me to accept it provided he‘s discreet. A bit deluded really but so am I when you look at the facts. thanks for responding- it helps me think clearly

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 01/07/2018 11:15

Yes - OP - he wants more of how it used to be. Swiping things under the rug and continue as it was.
Divorces are messy. Assets are split, life is affected for all.

If he wanted to go through it and be with the OW full time - he’d have done it back when first caught.
He doesn’t.

It’s your choice how to proceed, really. It’s easier not to ‘know’ when it’s not so clearly in your face.
It’s harder when it’s like this.

Sorry

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 11:23

He doesnt respect you and his ongoing infidelity is abusive.

While you keep taking him back...he'll keep doing it...he's either stringing her along or he's planning to leave you. Neither make him a decent man or husband.

I'd be filing for divorce straight away.
He sees he can talk you round. He's showing your feelings don't mean anything to him.

Ophelialovescats · 01/07/2018 14:58

How can you reason with him when he doesn't even think what he's doing is wrong?
Is he a poligimist?.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 15:09

I just don‘t understand why he wants both our marriage and this affair

It's called having your cake and eating it.

Best of both worlds. Two women wanting him is an ego boost...it inflates his ego.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 15:23

He said it was over in March, wanted to work on marriage

He is unhappy and frustrated in work and seems to resent me for decisions that were made jointly but have turned out to not be what he wanted.

Blameshifting. Classic cheater script.

He said he felt ignored in the family and that I did not pay enough attention to him.
More blameshifting... making it your fault.

6 months ago I discovered long whatsapp exhange over previous 6 mths between them of passionate affair, looking for a flat together, ready to leave, loves her so much, star crossed lovers etc..

This affair never ended like you thought it did.

Confronted him and he collapsed. After a week I took him back.
He's never believed he was at risk of losing you.

Things have been fairly good since then

Because he's been deceiving you.

Then about 1 month ago he started travelling again and 1 week ago I found evidence that he was in daily contract with same OW and responded to a suggestion that they have a trip away that he would book flights and hotel.

This affair had been ongoing.

I confronted him, he said it means nothing, he has not and and will not meet her.
So he was lying to her? Does she know he's married?
It means something to me

Of course it does...and if you were planning a trip with another man....it would mean something to him.

He's playing you for a fool. Three times now ..Three ddays for you.

my peace of mind is gone.
No surprise after his continued infidelity.

I am not financially dependent
Excellent.

Ophelialovescats · 01/07/2018 15:42

Polygamous....meant to write ?
Don't get where or how he thinks he's not in the wrong ??

PrizeOik · 01/07/2018 16:16

It's normal the the point that it's expected and quite ordinary for you to want to believe him op!!

Your brain is hardwired to avoid change so every cell in your body will be screaming at you not to accept the person he's clearly showing himself to be. It's so hard because you are trying to use your logical brain but the truth hurts so badly that you can barely keep on track at times. I know because I've been there - not with cheating but with the abuse side. You so badly want to believe them when they say they won't do it again!

Original poster
cantdecidewhattodo123 · 01/07/2018 16:35

Apart from this he‘s a normal, good husband and father. It seems so stupidly self destructive of him to destroy our family and life for basically a fantasy ego boost. I have to accept that‘s what he‘s done though. It‘s hard.

OP posts:
springydaff · 01/07/2018 17:14
Flowers
Ophelialovescats · 01/07/2018 17:20

He can still be a good father, but he is not a good husband in any sense at all !
He is abusive of you by accepting your forgiveness and then continuing the affair.
Do you know if the OW knows if he is married or not ?

SymphonyofShadows · 01/07/2018 17:25

There is no 'apart from this' though. He was making plans to leave not only you, but the country, until you found out. He is very far from a being a good father. Please stop making excuses for him and get angry for how he has treated you.

Original poster
cantdecidewhattodo123 · 01/07/2018 17:28

yes, ow knows he‘s married. But Idon‘t care about or want to focus on her, he is the one I am married to -

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 01/07/2018 17:29

Sadly it sounds like it's time to get your new life in order lass.

Original poster
cantdecidewhattodo123 · 01/07/2018 17:29

he was not planning to leave the country, he was planning to bring her here. not that it matters now.

OP posts: