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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother in law possibly being scammed

43 replies

catr1na · 30/06/2018 20:55

So long story short we have just found out MIL has been seeing a man for the past few months and lying about it. She retired last year and has so far given him about 6 grand. Now she has gone away on holiday with him put a deposit on a house in his name and ia coming back to sell hers. We really dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Rocinante1 · 30/06/2018 20:59

Has she got anything wrong with her that could allow you to get financial power of attorney?
If you can, then get it. If not, get her home and have a come to Jesus talk with her... just keep going until she see sense

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/06/2018 21:04

I'd speak to the police. This man may be known to them. And might it be worth telling her bank? Of course they won't speak to you about her account but you could just tell them you fear fraud.

Original poster
catr1na · 30/06/2018 21:04

No not really, she drinks an awful lot but no mental health issues. My partner paid to do a background check on him but it only goes back to 2016 as it appears he has changed his name. He apparently was Ex SAS and cant work after being blown up in Afganistan so she is paying all his bills. He has told her he is rich and has businesses in America and money in off shore accounts but he cant access them yet 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
catr1na · 30/06/2018 21:06

My sister is a police officer and she said as she is not being forced into anything then they wouldnt act. Its awful having to just sit back and watch her loose everything

OP posts:
Yogagirl123 · 30/06/2018 21:12

I can understand your concern.

Have you meet him? Is your MIL usually secretive about things? Has she any health concerns? Is there anyone in the family that she would listen to?

Unfortunately, a friend of mine who was a widow, got caught up like this and lost a lot of money, we all tried to warn her, but sadly she just wouldn’t listen and was convinced that she would be growing old with the man concerned. Sadly, her relationship was short-lived and caused her a lot of distress.

SummerGems · 30/06/2018 21:29

If sh is handing over money willingly there is nothing you can do, as hard as that is.

pinkgirl1234 · 30/06/2018 21:37

He apparently was Ex SAS and cant work after being blown up in Afganistan so she is paying all his bills. He has told her he is rich and has businesses in America and money in off shore accounts but he cant access them yet

That sounds like a classic scam! These scams are dreadful because they often ruin people's lives. Sad

Is there any way to find out more background info on him?

This sounds like a silly question after reading your OP - but has she definitely met him?

Original poster
catr1na · 30/06/2018 22:34

She has definitely met him, part of me keeps hoping we have it wrong but i know we havent. We have done a background check on 192 but it only shows from 2016. Its all just so unreal i cant believe she is falling for it

OP posts:
pinkgirl1234 · 30/06/2018 22:44

I only asked that stupid question because his story sounds similar to the ones that are told to people who haven't actually met the scammers. They send the victims photographs of who they supposedly are and a google image search (or is it a reverse image search?) often shows that it's a photo of some famous American army general or something like that. Alas, the victims rarely do that.

I got several emails a while ago asking me if I wanted to be "friends" with a beautiful American fighter pilot. The name was her real name and searching for her showed she was indeed a fighter pilot and absolutely stunning. Obviously the emails weren't from the real person. Not sure why I got the emails anyway, because her charms were lost on me, being heterosexual. Grin

I had a longtime pal who got caught up in one of those computer pop-up scams - where your computer is frozen and you're told to ring a "Microsoft" number. The silly twit did and was scammed for hundreds, perhaps a few thousand by the time they finished with her. Nothing on the scale you're talking about OP, and she isn't a family member. I nevertheless spent hours/months of my time finding information about this scam. She refused to believe me and tbh I wish I hadn't bothered because I have bad anxiety and all this made it so much worse. Meanwhile my friend remained completely oblivious to it and was quite smug about her new "friend" who kept ringing her "from England" Hmm every two weeks to make sure her computer was "protected". Eventually, she became very nasty to me and the friendship is over.

Sorry about my long, pointless story, but I know how bloody hard it is to convince people they're being scammed!

pinkgirl1234 · 30/06/2018 22:45

Oops, sorry x-post. Yes, it must seem very unreal. It's an awful situation. Sad

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/06/2018 22:46

If you've done a background check you could take that to the police. I know there are repeat offenders who typically claim to be ex-SAS, I suppose because it accounts for gaps in their history - anything they want to lie about, really. But it does sound like he's a professional scammer, and they're likely to have a record.

HollowTalk · 30/06/2018 22:48

This happened on here a while ago, OP, and someone said that you can contact the army to ask them whether the guy's telling the truth. I would definitely do this if I were you.

Gin0clock · 30/06/2018 23:11

Really sorry you’re going through this OP, try here: thewaltercumpershunterclub.wordpress.com/about/

They may be able to help

bilbodog · 30/06/2018 23:14

This sounds really difficult for you. Something similar happened to my MIL a few years ago. She had some men in to work on the house and the boss befriended her. They went out for lunches but i think she paid each time then he took her into london with his nieces to help them buy a present for their grandmother - went to harrods and louis vuitton and got her to spend huge amounts of money that he promised to pay back ..... he had also been taking her to the bank to withdraw cash from the hole in the wall to pay for works being done.

We only became aware when she started to get excited about going away for the weekend with her new friend - she was 81 and he was 42! Talk about a red flag!

Family members stayed in the house with her to stop any further contact between them. Police came round because harrods had alerted the credit card co that something was off and we trued to get trading standards involved because of what they were charging for the work.

In the end we had to move her and sell the house - turned out she had lost around £50k during the whole process.

However getting the police and trading standards involved was a nightmare until we got the local MP involved abd in the end by the time they realised what was happening. The culprits had scarpered and were never found. They were travellers.

Original poster
catr1na · 30/06/2018 23:25

Thanks for all the replies, my partner is so mad he just wants to leave her to it but i cant, She has worked hard all her life paid her home here off in full and now is going to sell it to buy a home in a country she has visited once

OP posts:
MexicanBob · 30/06/2018 23:55

I work a lot with ex-military types and one rule I've learnt is that if they say they're ex-SAS, they probably aren't. As she's over 18 and in her right mind, I an sorry, but I can't see what you can do if she wants to do this.

TheQueef · 01/07/2018 00:00

It's worth trying the police and bank it may just nudge her wits enough.

What a shitshow.

Redglitter · 01/07/2018 00:07

He apparently was Ex SAS and cant work after being blown up in Afganistan so she is paying all his bills. He has told her he is rich and has businesses in America and money in off shore accounts but he cant access them yet

That's almost a text book scam. Hard to know what to suggest but you're definitely right to be worried

pinkgirl1234 · 01/07/2018 01:19

Yes, funny how they always have money that they can't access yet.

I think you're right to do all you can to help, catr1na

I wonder if there is some way to find out who he was before he name changed? Maybe a private investigator? I know that's straying into fantasy land, but if there was some way you could find out information about him to show her, perhaps she would see the truth about him. She would be devastated and heartbroken but she will be anyway if this bloke is a scammer. And broke!

I'm pretty certain she won't listen unless you can find "evidence" to show her. There must be people who know how to find out this stuff.

pinkgirl1234 · 01/07/2018 01:52

Apologies for my silly private investigator suggestion. Probably been watching too many crime dramas on the telly. Hmm

I'm sure, though, there are people (probably even on MN) who would know how to find out information that isn't available on sites like 192.

There was a piece on a current affairs show here (NZ) a while ago about a woman who was being set up to be scammed by someone she had never met. It was a "romance" scam. I think she started to have doubts and contacted the TV people who turned the tables on the scammer. The details are very hazy now but I think the scam originated from Nigeria.

What struck me was that even though she was clearly an intelligent woman, she really didn't want to believe right until the last that she was being scammed and that the romance wasn't real. She really needed the proof that she was given to convince her. From memory, she was pretty upset.

Loneliness makes people so vulnerable. I say that as someone who is very lonely. I have no money though so wouldn't be a target for these arseholes. Grin

Scott72 · 01/07/2018 02:01

Any legitimate identity will go back further than 2016. Its fake. There would more fake ex-SAS, special forces, etc. than there would be real ones.

But why is hiring a private investigator a silly suggestion? This is one of the things they are for. Probably be expensive though. But you have to do all you reasonably can to protect your MiL, but after that just be prepared to pick up the pieces when it comes crashing down.

melodybirds · 01/07/2018 02:06

Gosh you must be in disbelief she could believe this so obvious and laughable claims and angry she won't listen.

How have conversations gone? Have you asked her why he changed his name? Why as a rich business owner he lacks basic knowledge or power to get money? Why he finds it ok for her to pay him lots of money? Is this something a kind man would ask for?

Mabey try telling her to see what happens when she says she has no more money left. Maybe you could write a letter and say you understand she is happy but to take things slower. I can't personally get my head around it so I really feel for you op.

pinkgirl1234 · 01/07/2018 02:08

But why is hiring a private investigator a silly suggestion? This is one of the things they are for.

Thanks @Scott72! I just felt I was getting a bit carried away! I don't feel so silly now. Smile

I agree it would be expensive though, which might rule it out.

spotthedot · 01/07/2018 02:12

Hiring an investigator to find out about him is s good suggestion but it will cost. Is DH prepared to put up the money? Sound not.

Horrible situation, sorry OP but she’s s grown woman and there’s not a lot you can do if she won’t listen to you.

tccat · 01/07/2018 02:26

Could you perhaps take her to a citizens advice bureau? They do a lot of scams awareness, maybe if she heard it from someone else she might see sense

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