I've fucked up and i dont know how to fix it.

[Rollyrollyrollyrolly]

Been with do 12 months. No arguments stuff been great. I've been having a really tough time atm with life and not coping very well with stuff.
My dp out earns me by alot and it doesnt bother me 99% of the time. I always pay my own way etc. But today he was going on about buying some designer clothes just because he felt like a treat (I understand there is nothing wrong with this, he works hard for his money) and i just blew up, i dont know why, but i said to him "how do you think it makes me feel when i haven't got a pot piss in and have to choose between feeding myself and clothing my baby and you prance around showing off thing youve bought all the time, it makes me feel like a failure" Understandably he got very upset and defensive and has ended things as I'm "clearly only after his money, he cant belive i would something like that and his ex was financially abusive towards him so its clearly a big red flag and he doesnt want to speak to me again" im heartbroken and dont know what to do. I feel like the biggest bitch on he planet. On top of everything else in my life, my best friend died last month and i dont have anyone else to talk to. If it wasn't for my daughter i dont what I'd do.
Please be kind i know i was out of line but very delicate atm and dont need another kicking. How can I fix this?

He's not babies father. Babies father was physically and emotionally abusive and i fled when i found out i was pregnant because i couldnt bring a baby into that and i honestly think she saved my life, i turned my life round so much for her i cant even begin to explain, anyway ex doesnt even know about baby so no support from him.

I doubt very much if he’s ever suffered financial abuse.

If you earned a lot more with him, would you be comfortable seeing him struggle financially and rub his nose in it?

I doubt very much if he’s ever suffered financial abuse.

Why is that, trackrBird? Because you have knowledge we don't, or simply because he's a man?

I apologise OP.. I assumed he was your baby's Father

No need to apologise gemini i wasnt very clear.

I genuinely don't think you were out of order to say what you did OP regardless of his history with his ex. You were asking him not to flash his cash around when he knows you are having a hard time emotionally and financially, granted it might have been more harsh than necessary but that doesn't diminish the intent behind the message.

As someone who was homeless with a toddler I can massively empathise with how it feels to be with someone who earns good wage. The sense of inadequacy is very very real and for someone who has pride it can feel quite degrading at times especially if you feel you can't compare or if they have to pay for the nights out etc.

Respect is a two way street, and consideration breeds consideration. I think you might find he knows he was being inconsiderate and is deflecting that on to you which is really unfair. I think it might be worth taking a step back and looking at your options even though it hurts. You can get child tax credits to cover childcare costs if you wanted to take a college course and work on your future. You would meet new people and it might help build some confidence in your prospects.

Don't beat yourself up, you've been through the works and deserve every happiness xxx

Does he has dc with his ex?

I suspect his side of the story is different to hers, maybe he spent money on designer stuff when she was struggling to live or pay bills...taking his card isn't right but could be a sign of someone who is trying to keep sensible control of finances whilst the bf spends foolishly.

Where was his compassion? You said you are struggling to provide for your baby and his instinct is to flounce and get offended...red flag that you can't share your worries.
He has shown you that you and him will never be a team and he is selfish.

You haven't screwed up, you have a child solo, well done you.Not easy and as the years go on you will be so proud of what you achieved...without this designer clad, selfish man

OP, I honestly think you are better off out of that relationship. He doesn’t sound very kind. He also sounds selfish and damaged. You were absolutely right in what you said to him so please stop apologising for your feelings. I would have felt exactly the same way. It’s not nice for him to be bragging about his cash when you are broke. It’s called empathy and compassion and he doesn’t have any. He is all me, me, me. He doesn’t sound right for you at all.

You dodged a bullet there. I mean what kind of dick flashes their expensive purchases around a broke person!

I bet there were other red flags you should have noticed.

Your problem is that you don't have any friends. Do not date anyone until you have built a solid group of friends.

He sounds thoughtless at best and self centred. Not a good guy. I wouldnt expect this from a friend let alone a partner. I think he enjoys lording it over you with his designer tat. Makes him feel better about himself. Loser.

You haven't fucked anything up, this is not your fault. He overreacted and yes, he might have history with an abusive ex but I'm gutted for you that he would be so untrusting of you. You weren't asking for anything, you were asking him to stop flaunting his wealth in front of you yes? He was being thoughtless and unkind, screams selfish man child to me. You're well rid tbh. Believe me, it is far better to be single than in a toxic relationship. You can turn this around. PPs have made some great suggestions of making new friends and finding support. I hope in time you can rebuild. So sorry for the loss of your friend.

I think it's disgusting on here that people have doubted financial abuse purely because he's a man. You wouldn't doubt a woman on here if she said she'd been financially abused. People like this are the reason why men are so reluctant to talk about any abuse they've faced in the first place.

I just think the income gap is too wide for it too work.

You're really struggling and he's at the opposite end.

I've done some thinking last night and this morning and now although still upset i feel angry. I thoight about what i said and although I admit it was wrong and especially they way I did it was wrong BUT at no point did I say he should be spending that money on me all I said is it makes me feel shit when he throws his purchases in my face when im struggling. Do you think i should ring him and explain that calmly? Or should I just leave it?

No, don't try to explain any further. You have already explained and he's cut you down. He is severely lacking in empathy and you begging him to forgive and understand won't make any difference to that.

Your friends death is sad but not germane to this argument.

Your former dp may or may not have been financially abused by an ex, but after a year he should have a good sense of your values. The fact he doesn’t appear to have that sense and major red flags are raised says a lot about how well he really knows you.

Likewise, his insensitivity prattling on about how he intends to designer clothes while you are obviously struggling also says quite a bit about his character. Tbh although your outburst was perhaps a little ott, it wasn’t unreasonable to point out the irony of your relative financial positions.

I honestly feel that he should be the one to meet you in the middle and apologise in kind for his insensitivity to your financial position, if he doesn’t, you may well have dodged a bullet.

Lastly, with respect to your friendship group, it’s always concerning when it’s too narrow and you rely on one person to talk too. I really suggest, if you can, to join a mother’s group or a gym or something, anything to broaden that friendship circle.

All the best op.

Hi OP, I'm in a very similar boat and have just broken up over this so I'm happy to talk if you need anyone in real life.

My ex earned three times my salary and had quite expensive taste but on the other hand believed strongly in "equality" of splitting everything 50:50. So I spent several years struggling to keep up and falling into debt which didn't bother him at all. And he also claimed to have a financially abusive ex. Looking back now I don't believe it at all.

Unfortunately I'm just not sure a relationship can survive such huge gender pay gap gulf. Unless one is willing to compromise on choices or help the other out occasionally, it just means you'll never be able to afford the same types of holidays, same type of restaurants or days out etc...

Don't bother contacting him. I don't see anything related to financial abuse in what you said... more that it could be seen as a bit of jealousy and him being made to feel guilty.

I would also add that it's unhealthy for him to be the only person you can talk to.

It's like he's the be all and end all. Never make any one person that in your life...because it often ends badly.

Thank you very much to everyone who has replied. You have helped me put things into perspective massively. He text me just after I posted my last message and just said "this isnt going to work so i am ending it now" I thought it was already ended so felt like he was looking for a rise out of me or something? Anyway I havent replied and im feeling a lot better about the future thanks to all you lovely ladies and your sound advice. Mumsnet is a wonderful place sometimes.

Honestly, you are better off. No nice boyfriend makes his girlfriend pay for the "sins" of another. That's his shit, not yours.

He was insensitive and you have had a lucky escape.

Is there anything that can be done about the money situation? You deserve better than this.

Honestly, I think in a while you'll think you've dodged a bullet. He sounds very self-absorbed and like he thinks his own issues trump yours.

Do you thinkyou might benefit from doing the freedom programme and some support with your loss? I'm so sorry your friend died . I would concentrate on dealing with your past abusive relationship's affect on you and your grief, start building a social network for yourself and dating last of all.

He should be apologising TO YOU. You’ve dodged a bullet.

OP
You are better off without him- that red flag he talks about, was waving in your direction not his. It sounds like he has the language of abuse mastered and is using it to manipulate you.
He now wants you running back and apologising to put himself back in control....don’t do it.