WWYD? Is this unrequited?

[Attackofthelazies]

I've slowly fallen for someone who's an informal advisor to my project through his organisation (I'm an independent) but I'm in such a quandary to know whether there’s a mutual spark of something more, or not.

We've been in regular phone/email contact for a good while, several business meetings with others and met more informally in person (just us) a few times now. Each time it feels we're getting closer as we've got to know each other better. There's an obvious amount of mutual respect and admiration and I know he likes and rates me, just not sure if in “that way” or not!

I’m single and so is he AFAIK. He is the perfect gent and I know he would never overstep his professional boundaries. I.e the first move would have to come from me, as I don't think he'd ever risk making an unwanted advance in his position.

He's aware I've been in quite a vulnerable place over the last year or so and has just been a tower of gentlemanly support, but quite clear in his professional boundaries. I’m completely stuck though as I do feel a spark of something, but I'm not sure if it’s just me and he is genuinely not interested in anything more. If he is interested, he either doesn’t think I am and doesn’t want to risk making me feel uncomfortable, or ethically thinks it’s just a no go area even if it is mutual (he is a notably ethical man). To be fair, if he is interested, I’ve probably been sending him a tonne of mixed messages (in trying to stay professional) and he could well be doing the same, which isn’t helpful!

The problem is I’ve fallen quite hard and these feelings just aren’t going anywhere. It’s feeling really awkward now whenever I discuss my project in meetings with others, as when I talk of him / his organisation’s support, it feels like I’m wearing such a beacon on my head it’s ridiculous! It’s becoming unhealthy for me and affecting my progress in all aspects of my life. I just don’t have the balls to front it with him though although I feel he kind of needs to know as my current numptiness and distraction from it all mightn’t do either of us any good in the long run.

I also think he is a bit younger than me, which took me by surprise when we met, although he is quite hard to age. Plus I’ve not been feeling at my best or most attractive (just got to the stage where I’ve really realised I am looking “old” now (40 something divorcee, beginning to go grey and wrinkly, used to be quite attractive!) and come with lots of baggage! I’m sure he could do way better than me, so I’m risking my pride and self esteem here as well as my project if it all goes tits up!

It's been 20 odd years since I was last on the dating scene - help!

WWYD?

Why don't you ask him out for a drink or a coffee? Make it informal

Thanks for reading all that Cricrichan! I have done, and we did! We're not massively local to each other and it always ends up fairly business orientated to fit round our schedules, and there's always so much to discuss/catch up on. But the last was the most informal (we've progressed to a hug and a kiss greeting kind of thing!) and when we spoke afterwards he said it was nice and we're hoping to do it again, just don't know when! Life/work is very hectic for both of us. It's just weeks go by without any contact and I'm worried at how invested I've become, and how much more time to give the situation. I'm impatient

Maybe start messaging about non work things? Ask him about his days or talk about what you're doing and see if it starts getting more personal

I do that too and sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't! And then just when I think is not interested, he then throws me a line that says maybe he is, but just being careful. Or maybe I've judged him wrong and he's playing me for the work. It's doing my head in tbh!

The thing is I've got to deal with the fact that maybe he isn't interested, just being a gent and a pro. I'm close to writing to him and telling him I'm pulling back because I;ve feelings I wish weren't there, for project sake, but that also feels like suicide! Gutted if I lose both, but also need to honour my feelings and need for healthy relationship without guessing games!

Why don’t you just be up front?

‘Hi name, I really enjoy working alongside you, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’d like to get to know you more personally outside of work, in a romantic sense. I’m not sure how you feel in return, but if you’re interested I’d love to meet for dinner sometime soon. If not, no hard feelings at all and I look forward to continuing with our excellent working relationship!’

how much younger is he?

its easy to tell someone else “just ask him out!” but i know i couldn’t if i was in your situation. do you have any mutual friends who could maybe drop a hint or do some fishing to see if he’s interested?

either that or get drunk together - that usually works

How long is this association going to last? It might get a bit tricksy to work together if you do hook up and it doesn't work out.

its easy to tell someone else “just ask him out!” but i know i couldn’t if i was in your situation.

Of course you could! You might choose not to, but that doesn’t change the fact you could if you wanted to :)

I reckon he's late 30's maybe 40 (in my dreams!). And, no, no mutual friends

I suggested a drink or a coffee and he didn't exactly knocked me back on the booze idea, but ended up with daytime coffee due to logistics! And probably will be that next time (something tells me he's not daft enough to get me drunk yet!).

What do I do? Give it another couple of months? Is my idea of writing truly awful? I really don't think I could face him if it was unrequited

How long will your professional involvement go on?

My experience has been that when you don’t know, then they aren’t interested. Just my experience, but men always find a way to let you know when they are interested.

I'm afraid my experience of 'dating' is so old it goes back to the time where you got mate to say "my friend fancies you", however I echo the sentiments above, will it affect your professional relationship?

If not, then an invite for a drink after work would seem the way to go & if it turns into a couple of drinks then take it from there, if he starts looking at his watch and says he has a train to catch then you know it's not mutual.

I think the idea of writing is probably not the way to go if you are in regular contact, whereas with a face to face conversation it is far easier to measure how things are going and so you can back off gracefully if needed.

Could you send a breezy 'I've really enjoyed our catch ups over coffee, how about making the most of this fab weather and getting together for a drink one evening? ' That moves it on from a work related coffee, but isnt too scary for you.

I wouldnt mention anything about getting to know him in a romantic sense btw. That might be a bit much at this stage.

Professional involvement could go on for as long as I'd want it to. I keep giving him the opportunity to back off after lots of problems and in a way I wish he would as then I'd know. But he's sticking around either just because he's a bloody good bloke, or he's interested. Hopefully both!

And yes mimbunz, I'm beginning to think that too. Hence it now all feels really awkward in any case, so perhaps it's just how to find out for sure, before I kill it all anyway. He'd probably be really cool about it, and it'd be down to me with coping with that, which seems the healthiest option.

Thank you all for helping me think this all through

But I think another face to face is maybe the better way to go.

The professional involvement is a potential reason he's not making a move. So if you can end that part, you're free to ask him out or see if he does. But mimibunz is probably right.

From what you say I am not sure he is interested.

I wouldn’t write to him or declare undying love but you could ramp up the flirting and see if he responds.

I’ve been in your position and he wasn’t interested. I wish I’d taken the advice of people on the mn thread I posted about it who said you’ll always know if someone is interested.But that’s not to say things are the same for you

Oh EllieRigby so sorry to hear it didn't work out for you . It's hard to hear that at the time isn't it. So I guess my other option is just to try and forget it all and move on elsewhere.

Having said that though there were a few markers along the way that I also ignored, but in retrospect actually think he was playing me for his ego as well so can't blame myself totally

It's so hard isn't it? Do you mind me asking what happened? What you wished you'd done differently? Don't want to prod though if it's still sore.

I'm still in a right old state about it all. If I entertain the idea that it's all in my head/wishful thinking, I'm not sure how I can go about working with him anyway. It's too painful already and it makes me vulnerable to losing my business head where he's concerned. But to walk away without knowing for sure? That;s a tough one as I'll probably always kick myself over what ifs. I'm also a fan of having things out in the open so they can be dealt with, and well, if I can't work with him now anyway, there's not much more to lose, and at least I'll know for sure what I'm dealing with.

There's been some pretty clear signals at times (I'm dying to spill here some things he's said/done, but worried too identifying!) and it's totally on my mind that I may well have knocked back an advance, leading him to believe I wasn't interested fairly early on. In fairness he has to work out too whether I'm taking advantage, or if it's a good idea.

He totally sums up the kind of man I should have held out for years ago. We match well on so many things, he's totally my kind of Mr Right and I don't think I've ever met anyone with the whole package before. I'm also really keen to find another relationship now, both for me and so my DC can experience what it is that makes a good relationship. So at times when I felt I should give up on him, I've dabbled with signing up to OLD, but I just can't take the next step, knowing there might be something here worth pursuing over time. It also seems unfair to anyone I start dating, given I've feelings for someone else I'm still involved with! Feeling total trapped!

Sounds like the not knowing is driving you mad, so you need an answer!

I’d just text something like:

Not sure if you’re single, but if so and you fancy a date, why don’t we go to xxx (insert pub/bar) for a few drinks next week? Just a thought, no worries if you’d rather leave our relationship on a professional footing!

Please please don't let him be the one that got away!

I'm much older than you and I just do things because I really can't live with regrets.

There was a thread a while back similar to this and it ended up so joyous. Both parties were tiptoeing round each other and they both fancied the pants off each other.

Don't regret. If for some strange reason he isn't interested, the feeling you'll have at being turned down will last far far less time than looking back in years to come and wishing you had approached him.

You're so right Roussette. This is exactly how I feel. I also think he deserves to know why in a way, if it does end up with me pulling back (so he understands my slight bonkersness too perhaps!). We'll be arranging another meet up again soon, although there's not any major great reason to, other than it would be nice, so will see what he'll go for this time!