Why do people stay when they’re not happy?

[scorpionheart]

I know why I am. I don’t think I’d find anyone else and it’s probably better than being alone. But I don’t understand my OH. I don’t feel loved. At all. I feel like he despises me at times. So why the fuck doesn’t he just pack a bag and go and stay with his mum who is a 15 minute drive away who would charge him no rent and prob wait on him hand and foot. If it’s about being alone he could easily find someone else to take my place in a heartbeat. I think he must love me, otherwise he’d leave, surely? But lately I think that just can’t be true . Does he enjoy being miserable?

I just don’t get it. I don’t really have anywhere else to go. I don’t think he’ll ever leave though.

I stayed the first time because he was abusive and controlled me to the point that I didn’t know who I was anymore. The second time his alcoholism wasn’t apparent for a few years. The sex became none existent, he hit me was very psychologically abusive etc etc I stayed because of the familiarity and my mental health was poor. He promised me he would change, he detoxed twice and a week after each time he started drinking again. The day I left he said “I can change give me another chance” all whilst drinking a can of lager!

Inertia.
Not wanting to be the "bad guy" by being the one to make the final call.
Loss of status.
Loss of face.
Fear of being single.
Fear of change.
Fear of financial/material loss.

We're led to believe that the pursuit of happiness is everything.
Honour, duty, loyalty, responsibility, the well-being of others, all must take a backseat to our relentless pursuit of happiness.

If it’s about being alone he could easily find someone else to take my place in a heartbeat.

And yet you're so sure you wouldn't if you left. How do you know he doesn't feel the same way? Why is it his responsibility to leave if you are equally unhappy?

Children and their security
Financial, losing the home you had worked so hard for.
No family support available
Crazy belief that one day the lovely man you married will reappear.
Poor job chances
General insecurity
Loss of confidence

Kids maybe.

Not wanting to split assets.

Hoping it will get better.

Habit.
Easy life.
Financial loss.
Child visitation rights.
The sunken costs fallacy.
Shame.

Have you asked him why he’s staying? If it, tell him you think he dislikes you and ask him why he’s still in the home?

Can you not ask him to leave? Why can't you finish it and ask him to go and stay with his mum?
Do you own or rent?

Maybe you are projecting the way you feel onto him?

You obviously don't want to be with him, so take charge and end it.

What @category12 & @rebelrogue say. Plus loss of available sex without having to make an effort to be nice.

FWIW I believe everyone has the right to be happy however they see fit. Duty & the well being of others are fine if the “others” are trying equally hard. Trouble is, if they aren’t, that’s just a guilt trip & exploitation.

Its not about others focus on asking him why because we cant tell you why he is still there which is really what you want to know anyway.

So, so many reasons.

But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Oh OP, this is very sad to read.

You stay basically due to a lack of confidence and because he hasn't left you yet. This isn't how a relationship should be and honestly I do think you would be happier alone without having to worry about when/if your DP is going to leave you. However for all we know these fears could be completely unfounded!

I would suggest having a frank discussion with your DP about how you both feel. Maybe the worst case scenario you are imagining is he uses the conversation as an opportunity to pull the trigger and leave, but I'm not convinced that would necessarily be a bad thing. You would know where you stand and wouldn't be living in a weird state of limbo just waiting for something to happen. Alternatively you may discover he is actually happier in the relationship than you realised and willing to work on things. You just won't really know until you have the chat and get it out in the open.

I was unhappy for years. Didn't feel loved or appreciated. STBXH had no respect for me but l would never have left.

Why.... l suppose it was easier to stay and live seperate lives then splitting up. I also never gave up the hope that we would sort our marriage out.

Eventually he met OW and left.

I ask him why he’s here all the time. After most arguments. When he’s pissed off he’ll just ignore or tell me to fuck off. When he’s calmed down he says because he loves me. But his actions do nothing to prove that. I told him (again) last night that he should just leave and he wasn’t phased at all. Later he said so when do you want me to go and I said well that’s up to you and he said well I don’t want to go and walked off. He won’t do any housework even when I work longer hours than him, he doesn’t want to share money, won’t do as much with DS, he won’t walk the dogs (one was his idea) but he can apparently go to the gym 5 days a week. He always says he’s going to change but never does. He just doesn’t care, does he? But if I mention this to him he ‘can’t understand’ why I feel that way?

We don’t have any assets except some separate savings and the car. It’s ‘mine’ but in his name so in theory he could take it and go. We rent from my family member, he pays the rent so during arguments he’ll say he won’t leave as he pays the rent. I’ve considered ringing the family member but I’m not sure what the outcome would be (aside from the major embarrassment).

I feel like the only two options are he does love me or he’s manipulative, but I don’t want to believe the latter . If I stand my ground and tell him to get out he’ll just ignore me for days, it’s like torture so I always forgive him afterwards, I’m pathetic I know.

Why would he leave? It sounds like you do all the house work, look after the dcs and walk the dogs. He doesn’t share joint finances and he gets to the gym 5 days a week.

It sounds like a hotel with constant room service.

What do you want to do OP? I think you know what to do. And don’t worry about embarrassment. I suspect your family land lord may just be waiting for you to ask for help.

My mother always said she stayed because of the dc.
So not only did I have to witness a shit relationship for years, but I have zero respect for many elements of relationships plus the guilt associated with my mother being unable to leave.

Financial

It doesn't sound like he loves you, it sounds like you're very convenient in keeping the lifestyle he wants. Sure you moan a bit and have arguments and that's probably unpleasant for him as well, but if he just shouts you down/ignores you/makes a few meaningless promises, things just carry on as before. He has all his home comforts, everything the way he likes it, the only problem is sometimes you need to be shut up.

You ask why he doesn't go home to his mum - but there's a loss of face & social status in a full grown man living back home with his mother.

The question is why don't you end things?

Asking myself the same thing. I suppose because I’m not miserable or unhappy as such it is easier to continue to live separate lives together than face the music and split up. The DC are our common denominator so to speak.He won’t leave because he believes he still loves me and by being here he sees the DC everyday and has a home etc it’s easier this way. I stay because I haven’t grown big enough balls to do otherwise. Everyday life happens and we do things together with the children and it works. At the moment. I know it can’t go on but our communication is not existent in terms of talking about us so we just soldier on. We don’t have a spare room and still share a bed (no sex) but it what it is. I already feel an enormous amount of relief by not being involved in his day to day life.

I stayed because things weren't 'that bad'. Thankfully he ended up leaving to be with someone else. I hadn't loved him for years.. but only acknowledged that after the split.

He just doesn’t care, does he? But if I mention this to him he ‘can’t understand’ why I feel that way?

The question at this point, after asking him so often and getting no answer, is why do you expect an answer? If you expect effort or reasonable answers by this point, you're gently deluding yourself.

The solution here, and it's hard to take, lies in your hands. He isn't going to make it easy for you. It'd be too much of an upheaval for him to have to do his own housework and to leave.

If you expect effort or reasonable answers by this point, you're gently deluding yourself

I know you’re right. I’m just desperate for him to give me some hope. That’s all I want. But he gives me nothing. I just need to be firm and stand my ground and not give into him. But I’m not strong enough .

It’s probably true he is also embarrassed, I hadn’t thought of that. I know he’s going to come home tonight and pretend nothing’s happened and if he’s feeling generous offer a totally meaningless apology. If I ask him to leave he won’t and this tension is going to continue for several days at least. The family member offers a reduced rate anyway and wouldn’t continue to do so if I left and I doubt he could cover everything on his own. Plus, I know it’s stubborn but I shouldn’t have to, I’ve done nothing wrong and I like my home.

Sorry you’re going through similar betty