Hi all,
I'm looking for some perspective. this feels long, but I'll try and keep it as short as possible!
I'm an only child, my mum is dead, and I am very close to my dad. He has done and would do anything for me, DH and the kids. He and DH used to be really close. Dad has always been really handy, fixing cars, plumbing, he's helped DH with loads of projects, and they were good mates. DH really appreciated it, as we didn't have much money, and dad taught him how to do a lot of stuff. He lent us money whenever we needed it, and used to enjoy coming round for a drink.
When the kids came along, dad was delighted. He absolutely dotes on them, and has done all our childcare for years. When he was working, he paid towards our nursery fees, as he felt his MIL helped him. We started looking to move back closer to him, especially after he had a mild stroke. A house in his street came up to buy, and he gave us money to enable us to afford it. He said he did it for selfish reasons, to have his grandchildren closer, but it obviously benefitted us too. Since moving closer and him retiring, I have been able to go back to full time work, as he does all the childcare after school. This has obviously benefitted us hugely financially! DH works away a lot, so dad makes the dinners, helps with the homework, runs them to afterschool clubs etc. I really couldn't do it without him.
We used to go on holiday together too. My dad's friends are all still coupled up, and he still feels the loss of my mum.
However!
Recently my dad has started to develop some of the annoying habits that older people seem to get. He fusses about silly things, eg a dentist appointment takes up his whole day! He forgets things. He back-seat drives. He tells the same story over and over. He keeps us all waiting whenever we go anywhere. He talks about TV programmes or sport that we have no interest in. Sometimes he drives me mad, but he means no harm!
Over the last couple of years DH has been becoming less and less tolerant of my dad, to the point where he seems now to really hate him 
. Our last holiday together was a disaster, they ended up falling out a couple of times, and I accepted that maybe it was time for us to stop going on holiday together, as I ended up piggy in the middle and it was stressful
But a couple of months later DH got drunk and turned on my dad really nastily, asking him if he thought our house was his house and other hateful stuff. Dad went home, DH and I obviously had words, and I was, at that point, ready to leave him. Dad actually stuck up for him, said it was the drink etc! DH persuaded me that he was sorry, apologised to my dad, who graciously accepted, and begged me to give him another chance. I love him, so I did.
But now it's not working. Dad doesn't come over if DH is there, DH won't come somewhere if dad is coming My dad is pathetically grateful for any time I spend with him, but has never said anything about/ against DH. I spend time with my dad when DH isn't there. Dad still does our childcare, but goes as soon as DH comes home, pretty much.
This is breaking my heart. I feel like DH is being really mean, as he makes snidey remarks about my dad (to his face) and he knows it hurts me, but doesn't care. If I try to talk to him about it I get accusations of being a "daddy's girl" or that I love my dad more than him/ my dad and I have some kind of weird relationship/ my dad thinks I'm his wife. DH is not close at all to his family- he hated his dad (now deceased) and hardly ever sees his mum. I call his mum far more than he ever does, and I loved his dad too.
I think DH is one of those people that says nothing but silently seethes and resents, and then responds with hateful or passive aggressive shit. I can't seem to talk to him about this, but I feel the way he is behaving and seeing my dad more lonely than he needs to be is slowly eroding my love for him.
I'm very independent (as I said, DH has worked away a lot throughout our relationship, so the kids and I are well used to cracking on without him). Him and I generally get along, we can have a good laugh together when we aren't arguing about this, and have a good sex life. We aren't a very romantic couple, but that's ok. I have no desire to find anyone else, and I don't think he does either- he has had plenty opportunity to do so. I'm sure if I kicked him out he would find someone else, as he's still good looking (I'm not , have aged badly!).
I really don't know if it's worth ending my marriage or not. Would I be happier on my own, having torn the family apart? Am I unhappy enough to make it worth the upset to my children? My dad would be devastated, as he would feel responsible, and I know he is trying to stay out of our way as much as possible. Any insight/ advice/ perspective would be appreciated! I realise on here it is usually interfering MILs causing the issues, and I've tried to put myself in DH's shoes...but I still think he should just be kind. I think I would be.