Am i in the wrong?

[Geolex]

Hello all. I'm a stay-at-home dad for 2 children under 6. I quit my job to support my wife in re-training now she is a successful PT. We have been married almost 7 years. Around 3 months ago she broke down in tears telling me she has feelings for another man. She gets a lot of attention from people at her gym and the long hours she works mean that we are not as close. We were inseparable for years, working and doing everything together. (I understand, i was in a band when we met, the attention is nice, she was upset by it so i left the band.) She acted strangely for a few weeks, picking faults with everything i did until she told me she was pushing me away so i wouldn't get hurt when she leaves me, but not for him, they are just friends. I was angry as i think anyone would be. she was texting him day and night. They went out together a couple of times a week. i confronted her and saw messages saying how hot he is and how lucky he is my wife likes him. My wife says she can say things like that because we are no longer together. i found him and asked along the lines of what do you think you are doing with my wife? I told my wife about it and said it had to stop. it was killing me whenever i knew they were talking or seeing each other. More recently my wife has blamed me for getting angry and said she couldn't be with someone who invaded her privacy, went behind her back and is so angry and abusive. She said she would stay with me forever just for the kids. but i don't want that, obviously. I looked up info on divorce and shared it with her. she said i was just looking for a way out. I will admit i threatened the guy, shouted at my wife, called her names etc. I'm so confused by all the mixed messages i don't know how to act anymore. She stayed away for a few days and wanted me back but that only lasted a week or so before she said she didn't love me. There is now another bloke around her who nearly ran her over when she told him she didn't want him. She swears these are her good friends but that conversation doesn't happen between me and my friends! I can't see past this anymore and i've said she should leave because this is terrible for everyone. I can't believe she has brought these idiots into our families lives. She says i'm being unfair and trying to take her family and friends away. I think i'm being messed with at this point. i don't know anymore

This sounds like quite a complicated situation...so, she has told you she has feelings for another man and she also told you that she was more or less trying to sabotage your marriage to push you away...you mentioned you were angry, shouting, calling names. Was that in response to the infidelity only or had you already been like that? If it's in response to the infidelity, it sounds like it gave her yet another reason to leave. It sounds like she really wants to leave and you should let her, for everyone's sake.

I know it's easy give advice and it's always easier when it's someone else's life but I think the best approach for you to take is to maintain your own self-control and dignity. You need to emotionally detach from all of this. Nothing will be gained by running around after the guy in question or calling your wife names. She is the one who was unfaithful yet it becomes all about your misbehaviour if you react badly. Hold strong, breathe and accept where your wife is at.

Your wife has behaved appallingly. Huge case of double standards if you had to leave your band because of the attention you were receiving but it’s absolutely fine for her?

If she doesn’t love you anymore then that would suggest to me, the relationship is over. Think it would be almost impossible to come back from that.

What a horrible situation for you op.
Unfortunately, I think she's telling you loud and clear that she doesn't want you anymore, you need to listen to that.

We argued occasionally but iv'e never been aggressive or anything

I've said i will leave, she said no, she will go but that was a month ago. We keep going round and round. she is fine with me, goes to work or her phone will go off and she can' stand to be around me

Okay, well it sounds like you need to sit down and talk. You could explain that she's been unfaithful (all that texting and communicating with that guy), she's told you she's pushing you away and it sounds like she wants a divorce. As in, the time for action is now. If she said she'd leave, you could ask her when she plans on doing that. I know this must be difficult with the children but I don't think you can land all she has landed on you and then expect life it kind of tip away as normal...

*life to kind of

She needs to go.
You can't work anything out with her in your headspace.
She'd have been gone a long time ago if was my OH doing this.
It's totally disrespectful to you and your DC for her to behave this way.
Get her gone.
Find out what divorce looks like and see if separation can work as a short term measure.
But she's totally in the wrong here.
When I found out my ExH cheated, I called him every name under the sun and was as angry as it's possible to be.
You have every right to be angry.

Stop being a doormat and stand up for what is right for you.
That is her being gone!!!

Thanks very much for your responses. I think she wants to stay with her family but wants to be seen as single by the outside world. I agree we would be better off apart at this point but have to come up with something as i'm the main caregiver and she apparently doesn't want to be alone. I said we should share custody but that's wrong for some reason. she wants to have her cake and eat it too perhaps?

I agree that you've every right to be angry. She called you abusive but based on what you've said, it doesn't sound like an abusive relationship. That was your reaction to being treated terribly and now that has formed part of her reasoning to leave, supposedly. I'm sure that's just a way to paint you in a negative light to somehow ease her guilty conscious. It'll get muddier and even more complicated if you don't find out soon when she's leaving.

*conscience

I'm afraid she doesn't want to be with you but wants the benefits of you being around.

Life will be more difficult for both of you if you split up. Maybe she's aware that as you are the primary carer there's a good chance you could be awarded more contact with the children than her should you separate. She would have a childcare issue if you went back to work to pay for somewhere else to live.

Its sounds as though after the initial argument/conversation of breaking up you both fall back into daily life and continue to live with one another. Perhaps you both are so comfortable with your lives that she is scared to actually leave, the fear of losing what she has. With that said its not fair on you to feel as though there might be a chance things could work. She either needs to decide whether she is leaving and put a plan in motion or you need to leave yourself. Its not fair for you to keep loving someone if the feelings aren't reciprocated, from what you have said she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. You need to decide whether you are going to wait for the day she eventually leaves or put the plans in motion yourself. This must be hard for you OP do you have any family you can talk to ?

Hmmmm...this is tricky....once again, I know it's easy to give advice and believe me, I know it's harder when it's your own life but my thinking is this...

You suggested shared custody but that's wrong, according to her. Since the relationship is sadly ending (sorry), instead of making suggestions, state what you'd like. As in, 'you said you were moving out. I think that's a good idea. When will you be moving out. I think shared custody is our best option and that's what I'll be pushing for.' Or something along those lines...think about what you want and need and somehow try to extricate yourself from her...I know I could be suggesting the impossible but you need to start developing more independent thinking now, I think....maybe seek legal advice too... Sorry, I know this is a crappy situation for you.

Are you kidding? She goes and you get the kids. End of. She’s the one that decided to destroy the family while you’re busy raising her children. She can have every other weekend and continue to contribute financially.

Yeah i have family i can stay with. she has said she can't have the kids because of work. i'd have to take them with me, leaving an empty house, Which makes no sense. I'm so out of my depth with this.

Within the context of breaking up, what do you want Geolex? Seriously, do you want full custody? Do you want shared custody? Do you want to stay in the house? Figure out exactly what you want for you and your DCs.

I don't know what i want yet. i don't want to take anything from her. She was great before all this. i know i have to focus on what is happening now and forget about the previous 6 years though

Suggest your wife moves into rented accommodation and you stay in the house with the kids.

If this were the other way around an it was the husband who was unfaithful, everyone would be screaming for him to go... you are the main caregiver, your kids are settled in the house. If she wants out of the marriage, she moves out of the family home.

It's impossible to forget about the previous 6 years. I know this is a really tough time for you and personally, I think it's good that you're being decent and don't want to turn this in to a nasty feud. Having said that, you also need to protect yourself in all of this.

So, could you confide in a friend or family member who has a level head?

And could you see a counsellor very soon to trash out what you're feeling? At the very least, you'll get some clarity from that and it is so relieving to be able to let it all out to someone neutral.

She was great before all this. i know i have to focus on what is happening now and forget about the previous 6 years though

This is who she is, don't expect her to suddenly become the person she was before.

My ex, when we split after his affair, became the most horrid,selfish bastard you could ever meet and he's stayed that way...he was a 'lovely' man before all that.

You are being too fair. Few splits are amicable and you should be cautious about trying to placate her as you are likely to get little in return for it.

As PP said, have a good think about what you want and, if possible, some legal advice before you do anything. She has far more to lose here than you and that is why she's keeping you hanging on.

I think a counselor is a good idea. my family and friends would go spare. one thing that keeps nagging at me, besides my wife, is that she hasn't told anyone about this. i guess she knows what she is doing is wrong

Try to find a counsellor really soon, Geolex. Once you're sitting in that chair, the relief you feel is incredible. So, maybe try to make that call now and get an appointment as soon as possible. That might even help you navigate your family too.

Of course she knows what she is doing is wrong! Start telling your family, now. Get some real world support.

See a solicitor. Specifically, ask about an occupation order for the house. She needs to leave, you and the kids need to stay, as that is for their stability. You are the primary caregiver, you gave up work to look after the kids, you have been the one keeping everything going - you get to stay in the house. She has contact, and contributes financially. Do you own the house, or rent?