Am i in the wrong?

[Geolex]

Hello all. I'm a stay-at-home dad for 2 children under 6. I quit my job to support my wife in re-training now she is a successful PT. We have been married almost 7 years. Around 3 months ago she broke down in tears telling me she has feelings for another man. She gets a lot of attention from people at her gym and the long hours she works mean that we are not as close. We were inseparable for years, working and doing everything together. (I understand, i was in a band when we met, the attention is nice, she was upset by it so i left the band.) She acted strangely for a few weeks, picking faults with everything i did until she told me she was pushing me away so i wouldn't get hurt when she leaves me, but not for him, they are just friends. I was angry as i think anyone would be. she was texting him day and night. They went out together a couple of times a week. i confronted her and saw messages saying how hot he is and how lucky he is my wife likes him. My wife says she can say things like that because we are no longer together. i found him and asked along the lines of what do you think you are doing with my wife? I told my wife about it and said it had to stop. it was killing me whenever i knew they were talking or seeing each other. More recently my wife has blamed me for getting angry and said she couldn't be with someone who invaded her privacy, went behind her back and is so angry and abusive. She said she would stay with me forever just for the kids. but i don't want that, obviously. I looked up info on divorce and shared it with her. she said i was just looking for a way out. I will admit i threatened the guy, shouted at my wife, called her names etc. I'm so confused by all the mixed messages i don't know how to act anymore. She stayed away for a few days and wanted me back but that only lasted a week or so before she said she didn't love me. There is now another bloke around her who nearly ran her over when she told him she didn't want him. She swears these are her good friends but that conversation doesn't happen between me and my friends! I can't see past this anymore and i've said she should leave because this is terrible for everyone. I can't believe she has brought these idiots into our families lives. She says i'm being unfair and trying to take her family and friends away. I think i'm being messed with at this point. i don't know anymore

Go see a solicitor and start to think seriously about initiating divorce proceedings
Secure the kids passports and other important documents (financial or otherwise)
Lock down any joint accounts and make sure you ring fence what you’ll need for the kids
Stop doing any domestic duties for her, just look after yourself and the kids.
Stop sharing a bed if you haven’t already
Start to look in to tax credits and benefits

She's the female version of my STBXH. I can't get him to move out either. He wanted to try again then dumped me after 4 days. Like him, she doesn't want to lose the comfort and security of home. It's totally unfair on you though, utterly confusing. Like others have said, just ask her when she's going to leave.

I don't know why ive been protecting her. i sound feckless. thanks for your help. i'll get on with the more important things

You don't sound feckless.
You sound utterly confused with no idea what to do for the best.
Hardly surprising with how you are being treated.
Is there someone you could confide in?
Someone who won't judge you if you do work things out?
A problem halved, and all that!?

You don't sound feckless at all! Stbexh pulled all this crap - "She's just a friend! You're trying to isolate me! Blah blah blah blah..." Also hung around for bloody ages, buggering off to his mum's, then coming back, demanding to go to Relate, then putting it off. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting this go on. I wasn't. All it did was mess my head up. He was having an affair, the relationship was over, he was just pushing my buttons while he got his ducks in order. Lots of us have been here, so take the advice of all the battle weary who have gone before you: This is over. You are doing yourself no favours. It's painful, confusing and you're in shock, but unfortunately, this is the time when you need to be at your sharpest.

Go. To. A. Solicitor.

Small decisive steps...

And get the band back together. Will give you a focus. And maybe some attention

Leave her, she has no respect for you . Your partner sounds vile , there is no way I’d treat someone I love in this fashion.

You deserve to find a loyal woman. So sorry this is happening to you OP.

Just read all this, Geolex, and you have my sympathy. If it's any comfort you sound lovely and your generous mature approach will reduce harm to your DC caused by your DW's behaviour.

I agree with everyone else on the practical steps you need to take. Protect your own interests because you can be very sure she will be looking after hers.

You must be so heartsore and confused. It will get better, but it's a slow process.