I'm a mug

[RaymondHolt]

We've been together 10 years. Two young children. I am the main earner.

My not so dp has issues with alcohol, once he starts he can't stop. Won't contact me to say if he's safe.

We have nearly broken up twice in the last year when he has disappeared off on a Thursday night and not been fit for work (or been able to take our dc to nursery). I have had to take time out of work to cover for him. I feel upset that he doesn't value how hard I work to keep things going.

You can see where this is going. Still not back from watching the football at the pub - 'I'll be back around half 10'

Fortunately I am not working Tomorrow so it will not affect my work. However I am seething that he will come home and not be able to go to work. Fingers crossed he's stopped drinking - although I won't hold my breath.

Do I call it a day. There is no trust or respect anymore.

*? So angry I forgot it!

Can you think of a reason you'd like to carry on with this relationship?

Hi OP

So sorry that you have been putting up with this poor excuse of a partner.
He doesn't have your back, he is not a part of your team.
You have been doing this on your own anyway, time to get rid and live your life not having to worry or wonder when he will be home and what state he will be in for work.
This just sounds exhausting, are you not tired of all this?
He is not your responsibility
You deserve so much more than this x

He's my best friend and a wonderful dad.

I'm just so tired of being the one that has to be responsible for everything.

Thank you both for replying.

Just feel so stuck as I rely on him so much to be able to get to work as he does the morning drop offs. I couldn't do it on my own.

That's a stupid reason to stay put.

You both need a very serious talk.

You are not doing your children any favours by modelling this for them.

He's not really a best friend is he? His best friend is alcohol

He loves alcohol more than you and the kids. Do you want the kids growing up thinking that's normal?

What's he like normally when it's not world cup football?
It's like British rail. Information would be good.
He knows you are off tomorrow so he has gone on the lash knowing you would bail him out with nursery.
Work is a different thing. Perhaps he's booked it because you are off. Nonetheless information is good.

No not at all.

He rarely drinks but it always ends up like this.

All he has sent back is 'sorry x'

Everything else is so good but like you say it's clear he doesn't value me.

He's desperate to move and get married. Certainly not going to happen.

I put it down to the World Cup at first.
He has not booked a day off work.

I worry that his work will lose patience with him.

I think you know it's not just because of the World Cup.

He may only drink sometimes but when he is, he doesn't tell you where he is or that he is safe? He doesn't come home and seems to not care, once he is out enjoying himself you and your family are put on the back burner.
It is really up to you how you want your life to be, if you stay with him, this is how your life will be.
If you seperate he can still do the morning run with the kids, he is still their dad.
Do you think if you did seperate and you were serious he would stop this behaviour?
It clearly bothers you and affects your whole family.
Is he still out?

He knows you are lovely, kind and giving and he knows you love him to bits and would never leave him which is why he treats you so selfishly and without any consideration.

In his eyes you cope so well, providing him with a roof over his head, plenty of money to spend on alcohol, plenty of ME time for him and you keep the myth going that he is a lovely and wonderful dad.

So why would he change?! He has no need to!

He can put up with you nagging him and he can carry on giving you a lot of lies and empty promises and letting you down because you believe he is a wonderful dad even though he is clearly not.

He is a terrible role model for your DC. They are going to believe his behaviour is normal.

Wonderful dads NEVER sponge off the mother of their DC so much it jeopardizes the family income.

His behaviour is so far off the mark to what is responsible, kind and considerate behaviour for a dad and husband OP.

You are so ground down by him to think that.

Every time he drinks to excess he causes you and your DC untold damage and misery.

Alcoholics are gobsmackingly selfish people op, they don't care who they hurt or damage; they survive by leeching off the good will of kind and loving people like you until they break you and ruin your mental health.

Yep.

Who knows when he will get back?

He always makes the same promises - stays with his mum for a few nights and promises it's the last time.

Will separate I think - he's going to have to pull himself together.

So sorry OP

So he has promised before to change and hasn't.
Hoping for you and your family that this time he know how dead serious you are and will make the effort.

But please don't go back unless he does and gets help and stops drinking!
Even if it's only sometimes, has had problems controlling himself when he does.
Sending you strength, do this for you and your kids. Refuse to have anything less than the respect you deserve x

He needs to stop drinking altogether. Can you see him doing that?

He is going to end up losing his job.

Exactly. Have hidden his car keys and he can take the train. He must go to work.

The sad thing is his friends went home and he went out with people from the pub he doesn't really know.

Not my job to worry now.

I end up feeling like a bitter nag for suggesting he doesn't drink. I've never stopped him from going out. He's made this choice for himself.

This is my SIL's life
It's been happening as long as I know them. They have DC and they have also broken up numerous times, he even got fired from one job as he failed a job related sobriety test (relevant to the job)
Honestly it has gotten so much worse, the kids are affected.
It's a horrible situation all around. Nothing will change it.
She is 12 years down the line, kids are older and all hate when he drinks and know when he is, they are not silly, they watch everything.

It is really sad that instead of coming home he stayed out with strangers.
He is definitely an alcoholic.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, it's just shit, well done for taking his keys

His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and his thoughts now centre on where the next drink is going to come from. You are carrying out the usual roles associated with partners of alcoholics; namely enabler and provoker (because you never forget and you firefight this constantly).

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?. Are you co-dependent in relationships; I ask this because co-dependency and alcoholism often go hand in hand. Did you also see this behaviour when growing up?. Why are you together now?

There are no guarantees here; he could end up losing his job, you people and liberty and still choose to drink afterwards.

At the very least you need to attend Al-anon meetings and read their literature. The basic mistake made by women who seek help for their husbands/partners alcoholism is that they want to be told what they can do to stop the drinking, not realizing that it may take a long time to learn a new role in the alcoholic marriage. Long periods of regular weekly conferences or group meetings are often necessary before a wife begins to change her feelings and learns to act in a new, constructive way.

Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing your children?. It will do them no favours at all to see this from you two. Your children do and will pick up on all the vibes, all the reactions both spoken and unspoken between the two of you.

Sadly your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you are completely away from him.

Hiding his car keys won't help and will simply gives you a further false sense of control. That is really no long term consequence for his actions, leaving him is.

If there is now no trust or respect, there is no relationship in any case.

Morning drop offs can easily be sorted if that's all you're staying for. And he's not exactly a good dad when he's drinking and not working either

If he has problems with alcohol it will be difficult for both of you.
You have to make a decision whether to stay and try and help him (but only he can really do anything).
A freind of mine has problems with alcohol and, although she doesn't disappear out without notice, it does affect her life, she's nearly lost her job and her long suffering husband who she lies to, hides drink from, etc.
Good luck.

When you look at the cost of the alcohol, you can easily afford to book your kids into a childminder's who'll take them to school.

This guy isn't going to stop drinking until he hits rock bottom. Losing his family will help him get there much quicker than if you act normal and let him back in.

Thank you for all the support. I've found an Al Anon group to try.

The thing is he rarely goes out to pubs because this is what happens. He doesn't drink at all the rest of the time. So frustrating but I refuse to put up with it.

He went to work and staying elsewhere now.

It's so kind of you all to reply - I am so grateful. There isn't anyone I can talk to about this.

My husband used to be like this and it was like if I let him off he leash he had to play up made me feel like his parent ...
Please arrange a night out with your mates don't come
Home till six in the morning and stay in bed all of the next day after a few times he'll get the message !