To ask for your advice re: intimacy (*TRIGGER WARNING*)

[liverbird10]

I'll just be honest.

If anyone reading this has been abused, please don't read on.

I have a bad case of vaginismus. I was abused by my dad as a child.

I was able to have sex, before I recalled the memories... I still can't get past it, 30 years later.

I've been with my partner for 18 years. I want to be intimate with him. We've had mutual fun on many occasions, but I still can't go all the way as it is the most hideous agony ever.

He is amazing, and all I need is some advice... please help!

Im so sorry for what you have suffered.
You are very brave and have taken the first step to getting support and help.
I hate to this but I don't think you'll ever get past being so cruelly abused. However that's not to say that without help you can't en joy a satisfying and happy sex life.
Reading between the lines am I right in thinking you've not had counselling. Is that something you would consider.
Obviously,please do not answer if you feel uncomfortable but has your abuser been brought to justice. Would that help.

Have you had any therapy, both as a survivor, and for the vaginismus? Vaginismus is a recognised medical condition, there are treatments available. Having a supportive partner, who has been there for you for 18 years, is a real positive for you. You can at least trust that everything will go at your pace, he understands, and won't try to move you too quickly.

You want to do this, you have a trusty 'helper' - time to bite the bullet and start talking!

Hi, thanks for your reply. I know that sounds stupidly formal but I think it is just my way of coping.

I tried counselling in my mid to late teens... it got me nowhere as I couldn't recall anything about it (other than intimate pain at a very young age). I decided at the age of 14 that I wanted to be a counsellor for abused kids. Needless to say, I figured out within a few years that I wouldn't be able to detach myself enough to be of any real help, although I had no idea why back then.

I only remembered parts of what happened bro me after my dad died. Then I found out that he did it to my younger sister too. Plus we were both a product of that... he abused my mother for 20 years.

Sorry for being a miserable shit... I don't want this to rule my life.

My fella is ace and understands, but I want us to be able to do stuff! I cannot cope with this shit dictating what I can and can't physically do.

I have vaginismus. I highly recommend "Oxford style" sex (between the thighs) if you want to achieve full body closeness without penetration/pain. I also find swapping between bjs/hjs and cunnilingus to be also very intimate, enjoyable and (especially where cunnilingus is concerned) fulfilling.

PIV sex is massively overrated and most women don't climax from it anyway. It's absolutely not essential for intimacy. Love, trust and freedom from not just pain but fear of pain so letting go of this expectation that you "should" do PIV, that you should keep trying, that it's your fault, that pain is inevitable are the important bits.

Pain is not just NOT inevitable, it's (outside of kink, i suppose) frankly incompatible with intimacy. Focussing on activities you and he enjoy, not on ones you don't, is the key here.

Thanks for the advice. I was going to handshake and then decided not to. Why should I be embarrassed about something that's not my fault.

NAMECHANGE, not handshake!! Bloody autocorrect! My body has no issues with handshaking, thankfully!

OP, as requested, we've just nipped in and moved your thread over to Relationships. Hope you get lots of good advice and support.

Many thanks, MN. Think I traumatised too many people in AIBU! Cheers.

I have no advice but just wanted to say I'm
So sorry for what you've been through. You are very strong to have come all this way and wish you all the best

I’ve got no relevant experience I’m afraid, but I’ve been listening to ‘The Pelvic Health Podcast’ for info about managing prolapse, and I’m sure they’ve got at least one episode on pelvic pain and intimacy. It’s usually really informative and well researched, so could be worth checking?

Sorry not to be more help, and even more sorry you’re dealing with this in the first place.

I appreciate any help! Thanks for your replies. :)

I have no advice either but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you went through and are still going through x

"PIV sex is massively overrated": maybe so, but it seems like OP and her partner would like to experience it.

So sexual activity itself doesn't cause PTSD flashbacks or disassociation or similar symptoms other than the vaginismus? That would be something. I'm sure OP has researched this thoroughly. The first step is to make sure it is vagnismus and not some similar condition. If its as severe as she says, then the best option is botox. This isn't a cure though, and needs to be done by a reputable practitioner or it could do more harm than good.

There are two treatments for this that can have great success: working with someone who is trained specifically for this and who uses a form of systematic desensitisation - I think it falls under the CBT umbrella.

The second is working with a somatic sexologist.

Vaginismus can take time to treat - but it absolutely can be treated, and successfully.

Hypnotherapy can really help you with this. Look for someone who is experienced with sexual issues. It really works.

I have vaginisumus too and know the struggle well. There is a Facebook group calked Vaginisimus Support (a closed group) and a lot of members recommend pelvic floor physiotherapy on there maybe this is the next road to take. Much love to you, it's a truly horrible thing to suffer with

Vaginismus is a tonic spasm of the outer vagina. You'll see similar spasms in other bodily locations in people with brain damage. Vaginismus isn't brain damage, but what this shows is that it is a very real and serious neurological condition. "Hypnotherapy" and "somatic therapy" are probably inadequate for treating this. The best treatment is progressive desensitization - i.e. dilation. But with serious vaginismus, the early stages of dilation are very painful and frustrating, and progress is very slow. Botox injections allow fast progression to later stages and are very effective - if done correctly.