Used

[thesix]

I met my husband as a teenager and we have been married for 10 years. We have normal issues - he struggles to keep a job, has grandiose ideas of himself (I think hiding someone sensitive who didn’t have a great childhood) - I get a bit stressy about the job thing but no problems out of the ordinary.
One random day 3 months ago he left me- mid conversation just said he didn’t want to be married to me and he walked out and I have I seen him 2/3 times since.
I did some digging and found hour long calls to a younger girl. One of my friends saw him with another girl linked arms - this was all during an initial 2 months when he didn’t speak to me at all.
He left me in shock and with the house and our two dogs to deal with as well as full time job - he is not working atm.
3 months now and we not speak but only on his terms and he usually wants money. I feel so sad for him (I DONT know why) but I keep giving it to him. Then if I ask something or tell him how sad I am he either doesn’t reply or he texts to say I can’t keep doing this.
I know I’m being an idiot, but I’m really soft hearted and the guilt of thinking someone is in a financial bind consumes me. how could I let someone who was just my family go hungry. I didn’t fall out of love with him, he fell out of it with me.
It bothers me, it truly does but he says I’d the situation was reversed then he would do the same and I believe he would. But his expenses of whatever he is doing are so high I’m having to budget 3/4 of my salary to go to him. I am staying in our house because no one else is, so maybe I owe him it? I just want to get rid of the intense guilt.

What? No.

No no no.

Do not give him another penny.

Spent the money on a divorce lawyer and counselling instead.

You acknowledge that he's taken you for a massive mug. Get some self-respect and put a stop to this right now.

You don't need him and he's a millstone around your neck. Get rid pronto.

So basically you are funding his dates with another woman?
You really need to cut this CF off and start thinking about yourself and what you need from life now!

I want to because I’m being forced into it but I didn’t want to be separated.

Essentially I am funding dates with someone, heck I’ve probably bought her a present or two.

I know how actually ridiculous it sounds but the guilt I feel thinking something bad is going to happen to him is worse than the buyers remorse I get from vicariously buying her a gift! I know it’s stupid and it’s not right and I’m an idiot etc etc. But I do not understand how to stop, I just don’t.

What? I don't understand. The man left you for another woman but you're giving him 3/4 of your salary.

Um, what? Just.. stop?

He is obviously feeling no guilt taking your money. Treating you like a mug. Why would you even care what happens to him - he is a grown man who has made choices that don't involve you. You are nuts if you keep giving him money.

I'm sorry but I really don't get this. Why on earth are you giving this wanker money? If he's going hungry, let him eat his girlfriend, FFS.

Is this a wind up?
Your husband left you got another woman but you don't want to be without him so you're giving him lots of money because you feel sorry for him? Have I got that right? Tell him to fuck off and get a job and get yourself a divorce lawyer. It stuns me the amount of shit that some women put up with and then wrong their hands. Talk about laughing all the way to the bank.

What are you hoping to achieve by this? Is it your way of pretending that you haven’t really separated? If so, maybe you need to focus on that and accepting that. When you have, I hope you will see how ridiculous it is that you are funding the man who left you to date someone else.

And it doesn't sound like you're being forced to do anything from what you've said. You are making a choice.

Let me rephrase that. You’re working your arse off to pay for him to get his balls wet - grim but true.
You could lose you job tomorrow and I’m sorry but he’d be off, he wouldn’t be there to help you out! He’d be looking for some other mug to bankroll him.
WAKE UP!

Wow... your husband cheated on you and left you for a younger girl and you feel guilty? While you've been/are out at work he's spending your money on himself and another woman?
Next time he asks for money tell him to get a job and don't send him a penny! (I'm assuming he doesn't have a disability preventing him from working)

Ring a solicitor in the morning. You have nothing to be guilty about - he's had an affair, and left you for another woman.

Send him a text saying that you will, from now on, only communicate through your solicitor, and give him the contact details. Then block him on everything. Go cold turkey. If he comes to the house, don't let him in.

It's over, so start moving to protect yourself. And I'm sorry, I know this is awful.

thesis

I am sorry you are going through this. IMO your emotions are thinking for you and rationalising things in a way that keeps you hanging on.
This article may resonate with you. I was married to a man once that, let’s just say at one time I thought I was helping him only to realise he was hurting me deeper then I wanted to see.

narcsite.com/2018/04/20/how-we-get-away-with-it-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/

You need some serious counselling OP.

You got together with a boy in your teens who turned out to be shit. It happens to everyone. Unfortunately you married him but luckily there is divorce. You are now in your 20s. Your whole life is ahead of you. This man is in your past - over, done. Stop giving him money, stop thinking you owe him anything. You are his ex not his mummy. Some day he will be utterly insignificant in your life.

He is leeching off you. Don't let him. If you can't stop, get help and support so youcan.

Thanks, I know I feel really bad about myself just now. I have low self esteem and I know I’m being stupid already- I just wondered if anyone else had felt or done the same type of thing.

This is utterly ridiculous! You are paying over three quarters of your salary to your husband to fuck another woman! Time to wise up and tell him to fuck right off. Come on, get a grip woman, you're acting like a fool!

@thesix

Of course many women have done the same thing throw good after bad. Women have been socialised from birth to give men the benefit of the doubt and put themselves last.

Posting here is one of the best things you could have done as the women here on MN will tell you straight up no nonsense.
CF can get himself a job and I suspect he didn't work half the time while you were married. You don't owe him a damn thing.

Ring up a solicitor straight away and then text the CF to fuck off and then delete and block him from everything.

See a counselor and do the freedom programme to avoid these users and losers in the future.

Start visualising your DH as a huge ugly leech with his suckers happily gorging out your blood and guts.

It will solve the misplaced guilt thing.

You sound lovely OP, unfortunately I think your DH is taking advantage of this and playing on your misplaced guilt.

Does it help to think that giving him money is actually not helping him at all? Realistically at some point he is going to have to support himself and the longer that you are supporting him you are removing any incentive he may have to get a job and start becoming financially independent. Imagine one day he wants to marry this OW or someone else and start a family (sorry I know it might be painful to read this). Would you keep supporting a whole family or cut him off when he has grown to become more and more dependent on your assistance? Through your behaviour you are encouraging him to remain dependent on you and therefore stop progressing with the necessary work he needs to do on himself to become a self sufficient adult that can stand on his own two feet and one day be a solvent partner/father.

Btw just to be clear I agree completely with the CF comments and wouldn't even contemplate continuing this arrangement however I can see your conscious is plagued by this misplaced guilt. Hopefully the above logic might help break through that a bit and help you see that sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind?

thesix

Your not alone. Sometimes it is/was hard for me to admit what I was doing. It meant I had to be brutally truthful with myself and accept what I was letting happen was toxic to me and until I said no and stuck to it he would continue to do as he saw fit for his needs.
Finding a therapist can help, find the compassion for yourself you give to him, one step at a time forward and you will soon look back and see things in a different light.

Oh sweetie. Do you have any real life support? Have you told your friends/family that he's gone? Shine some light on this, you have nothing to be ashamed of, you tried to be a good person- that is not a bad thing! You just need a little help in being a good person to yourself Are you able to see a therapist?
What you are describing is not normal. Struggling to hold down a job is dysfunctional, not 'normal' marriage stuff. I'm sorry. He's not worth it. You deserve much better.

Firstly stop looking at your previous marriage problems as normal. There is nothing normal about not being able to keep a job and having grandiose ideas about one's self! And to top it off he'd been cheating!
You say you can't let someone who was just family go hungry. Hungry? Really? He'll starve to death if you don't give him the majority of YOUR wages? Bread must be bloody expensive where he's moved to! If my mother had crapped on me like he's done to you I'd let her 'go hungry'.

If he's hungry he can get a job. If he's not working, he gets benefits. He HAS money to live on. You're re just supplementing his fun with a string of OW. He's a grown man and your treating him like a child.
You don't want to be separated, but unfortunately that is the reality. Take off the rose tinted glasses. He used you for money when you were married, cheated, broke your heart and continues to use you for money. Please god tell me you're not having sex with him too?! Hidden sensitive soul my arse! He knows exactly what he's doing. And you need to stop lying to yourself.

Start by blocking him on your phone.

Use the money to get some therapy for yourself.

This isn't being soft and kind hearted. It's being a doormat to the max...and that's an understatement.

You need help, ‘soft hearted’ is a soft focus lie you tell yourself to conceal your desperate insecurity. You’ve hidden in a dysfunctional relationship for so long that you have agreed to commit to a dysfunctional split because you’re scared that if you don’t, he’ll be gone. The price you’re prepared to pay for his crumbs is him financially and emotionally leeching off you. This isn’t love, it’s desperation to the point where you’ve lost respect of yourself.

Get help before you let him bleed you dry, emotionally and financially.

He can not do what he does to you without your consent. Who taught you about love?