Used

[thesix]

I met my husband as a teenager and we have been married for 10 years. We have normal issues - he struggles to keep a job, has grandiose ideas of himself (I think hiding someone sensitive who didn’t have a great childhood) - I get a bit stressy about the job thing but no problems out of the ordinary.
One random day 3 months ago he left me- mid conversation just said he didn’t want to be married to me and he walked out and I have I seen him 2/3 times since.
I did some digging and found hour long calls to a younger girl. One of my friends saw him with another girl linked arms - this was all during an initial 2 months when he didn’t speak to me at all.
He left me in shock and with the house and our two dogs to deal with as well as full time job - he is not working atm.
3 months now and we not speak but only on his terms and he usually wants money. I feel so sad for him (I DONT know why) but I keep giving it to him. Then if I ask something or tell him how sad I am he either doesn’t reply or he texts to say I can’t keep doing this.
I know I’m being an idiot, but I’m really soft hearted and the guilt of thinking someone is in a financial bind consumes me. how could I let someone who was just my family go hungry. I didn’t fall out of love with him, he fell out of it with me.
It bothers me, it truly does but he says I’d the situation was reversed then he would do the same and I believe he would. But his expenses of whatever he is doing are so high I’m having to budget 3/4 of my salary to go to him. I am staying in our house because no one else is, so maybe I owe him it? I just want to get rid of the intense guilt.

Decide what you are going to do and stick to it eg send him a message saying, I am not giving you any more money so don’t ask and then block him.

Have a plan for what to do if he turns up.

Take steps to prevent yourself giving him money. How do you normally pay him? Cash? If so, don’t get the cash out. If it’s bank transfer, get rid of his details. You have to make a decision and be determined to stick to it. Tell someone else so they can help you be strong.

Next time he contacts you, just message him back 'no'. Do not engage in conversation with him. If he keeps messaging just ignore or block him.
Get a solicitor to do all the correspondence. He will end up with funds from a divorce anyway and I bet you my house he won't knock off the money you have already given him!
Be strong and if you feel guilty just remind yourself he was sleeping with another woman then coming home and getti g into bed with you! The only thing he deserves is your middle finger.

I have low self esteem and I know I’m being stupid already- I just wondered if anyone else had felt or done the same type of thing.

I've stayed in bad relationships with damaged people too long because I thought I could save them. You get stuck in a cycle that's really hard to break.

Once I realised I was getting my self esteem from being their saviour (even though no-one could really save them but themselves) I managed to break the cycle and walk away, and am so much happier for it.

OP, this guy has done you a massive favour in leaving you - you have the opportunity to break your cycle and give yourself a shot at actual happiness with someone who sees you as an equal and not just a resource to drain.

Take control and set yourself free. He's never going to give you permission to do that so you have to give yourself permission.

I would be a year's salary that this leach of a man would not go hungry if you stopped giving him your money!!! And even if he did he's a grown ass man who would have to grow the fuck up and get a job.

He's a user and I'm honestly so shocked you'd be giving him money. He probably laughs about how gullible you are with the ow. Please stop giving him money!!!

He walked out on you, He needs to deal with the consequences of that!! He's not a fucking child who needs protection. There is no scenario I can imagine you saying where you should feel guilty for what he's done!

OP please don't keep doing this-I'm hopeful that by having the courage to post on here that you know how awful his behaviour is and just need us to back you up. Don't pay him for crumbs (not even that!) from his table. Please tell him NO and keep your hard earned money for you-trust me, he will be just fine.

PS how very dare he even ask you! I'm so outraged on your behalf.

Yeah, I did something similar, for a while. When I split from an ex because I no longer loved him and he was using heroin to boot, with no job in most of the time we were together, I felt bad for letting him down in a sense. After I left him, he knew when my pay day was and would come and see me and ask for a ‘loan’. I kept handing money over for a few months until a close mate said, stop this, you can’t go on giving him money. So the next time my ex came round I laid it on the line very clearly, not exactly shouting, but he knew I would never give him another penny. I felt so stupid and embarrassed at my own behaviour, I suppose it’s misplaced caring for someone I did once love very much. And you know what happened? He had to get clean because I wasn't paying for his habit any more, he's still clean now as far as I know and married to someone very nice.

But this, this is just ridiculous. We all make choices my dear, and you chose to hand over nearly all your money each month. I’m using the past tense because you can stop this, right now. Block all contact with him, write off your losses and get yourself back on your feet. You’ve been horribly let down and yes, used. You also need time and self care to get yourself together. What would make you happy: a massage, a weekend away in a dog friendly hotel, a meal out with some friends? You can do anything you want with YOUR salary, EVERY month from now on, from this very moment. And please, please don’t fall into the arms of another loser who can’t keep a job, it’s not worth it, love alone cannot take care of us in this life. I strongly recommend some counselling for you so you don’t get into a pattern of taking care of a man and that being a one way street. A good relationship must have both partners pulling their weight and supporting each other. Not you as a cart horse pulling a heavy cart while your feckless partner sits on the cart twitching a whip at you. That’s the analogy I came up with when I had counselling after that relationship. Then I got angry and that really helped! Best of luck, things can only get better for you now.

He won't 'go hungry' he'll manage but he doesn't have to at the moment as you keep giving him handouts. Please tell someone, a friend or relative or work colleague so that they can help you stop this.