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Original poster

Passive aggressive H - at the end of my tether

31 replies

redblonde · 28/06/2018 12:31

My H is passive aggressive - his mum is too so I imagine its what he learned as he grew up but its pushing us apart. We've been married 14 years, and have an 11 year old. As an example, this week I had to spend a day at my mum's to help her clear out stuff for moving. My H had been working away so I knew he wouldn't be super keen for me to then go away as soon as he came back - so I asked him when might work and he said he was fine with Wednesday. Then on Tuesday he was all funny about me going, said our daughter didn't want me to go, and on Wednesday then called me while I was away to be arsey about when I was getting back and how it would ruin the evening. I pointed out I'd asked him and he'd agreed to it but apparently I was supposed to realise how he would really feel and not just have listened to what he said. He's still ranting about it today. This is just one example of when he will say one thing but I'm supposed to realise he thinks/means something else. I am a fairly straight lines type of person so have a tendency to just take for granted what he says is how he feels, plus I'm not sure I've got the mental energy to try and unpick everything he says for hidden meaning.

My sis is over from the US at the moment and heading back next week. This weekend is a great opportunity for me and daughter to see her, H is working Sat but not Sunday. He's said the words "Its important for you to see your sister" but also that he wants me to spend time with him. I think subconsciously(?) he wants me to pick him over her which puts me in a horrible position.

I'm just mentally exhausted in trying to deal with it all - does anyone have any techniques on dealing with this kind of behaviour?
Thanks

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 28/06/2018 12:35

Leave him a microwave meal + the instruction book and go. Maybe forget your phone charger....
He is a man child and seriously don't know how you have put up with his behaviour so long.

AngelsSins · 28/06/2018 13:24

Just stop dealing with his behaviour, stop giving him the power. Don’t ask him anymore, tell him what’s happening and get on with it. Turn your phone off when you’re out too!

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2018 13:31

I totally agree with the other posts. You are allowing him to control you with his ridiculous, immature behaviour. Tell him what you're going to do and then do it. Make it crystal clear that you will no longer listen to his pathetic whinging. Why you've put up with this for so long is beyond my understanding. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

ravenmum · 28/06/2018 13:40

Both examples are about you wanting to do something independently and him not liking it and trying to make you do something else. Is that a coincidence?

Is he afraid of being on his own, or does he just not like you having your own mind?

Herewegoagainagain · 28/06/2018 13:52

My ex-fiancé was very like this. In order to not be feeling bad and worrying, trying to anticipate his reaction, I had to get to a stage where his reaction was irrelevant to me. Unfortunately that meant I switched off from him overall when that behaviour continued during a time of serious illness with one of my parents

Shoxfordian · 28/06/2018 15:30

He sounds completely exhausting to deal with and you've been with him for 14 years! Can you be bothered with another 14 years of nonsense?

MessyBun247 · 28/06/2018 15:34

He sounds horrible, controlling, jealous, manipulative. Does he have any good traits? Would you be happy if your daughter ended up with a man like him?

Daddystepdaddy · 28/06/2018 18:56

I'm just imagining a gender reversal on this one and it is making me chuckle!Grin

sosickofthisshit · 28/06/2018 19:09

Exactly like my my stbxh. Passive aggressive, controlling, manipulative wanker. Didn't talk to me for 2 days one time, because I had to go to a work event, that didn't include spouses. Any time I wanted to do anything that didn't revolve around him, I'd get the sulky silent treatment. Shit like this is why he is now the stbxh.

greatbighillofhope · 28/06/2018 19:10

(I was also thinking the gender reversal thing...)
In reality, it’s communication that just isn’t working. He feels for one reason or another ‘second’ on your list of priorities but probably knows it’s unreasonable to say so and acts passive aggressively trying to get his needs met without actually asking.
I think you need to keep on behaving very reasonably, ignore the passive aggressive stuff, keep asking him to state clearly what he wants. You are not a mind reader and he can’t expect you to be one.

WellDoneTiger · 28/06/2018 19:39

Redblonde, I looked up passive aggression on a popular search engine. The results popped up with huge amounts of information about narcissism and domestic abuse.

Please look into the distinct possibility that you are in an abusive relationship. When you are ready, make contact with Womens Aid. They will listen to you, understand your experience and support you through whatever you need to do next.

When you feel the pain and you remove the passive bit, it's basically aggression. It is far easier to deal with if you have real life support from people who understand. Womens Aid are amazing.

ravenmum · 28/06/2018 20:16

Why would a gender reversal be funny?

Daddystepdaddy · 29/06/2018 06:18

ravenmum because the sympathies on here would lie very differently. I can just see the comments now accusing the DH of abandoning her, not understanding her and having an unhealthy relationship with his mother.

MerryMarigold · 29/06/2018 06:26

I think it is communication. I would ask him if he feels second best at the moment and just keep trying to be as straight forward as possible with him. I would probably try and see sister on Sat and then plan something nice for Sunday so he knows in advance you've thought about him. I would also talk to him about the p.a stuff (next week) and see if he recognises it and how it makes you feel. He needs to overcome this and he needs to want to.

MerryMarigold · 29/06/2018 06:28

And for those saying that's treating him like a child. It's only how I'd hope to be treated by someone I love, if I had any kind of weakness to overcome. (I have plenty)

Urbanbeetler · 29/06/2018 06:31

You say you HAD to spend a day at your mums... why not say I WANTED to help my mum. You have a right to want to do that. If you are using HAD TO with him then you’re suggesting that somehow you’re being forced to, so he may be on some level trying to redirect you to what he perceives as you doing what (he feels) you surely want to do - ie, be with him.

This whole situation isn’t very healthy. Can you just keep repeating that you want other people in your life too, without being harassed, and decide what to do if he doesn’t desist?

Cawfee · 29/06/2018 06:34

Your sister takes priority this weekend and he needs to back off. Don’t care about how he feels about it. He’s a big boy and can pull up his bigboy pants. You go see your sister before she leaves. If something were to happen and you never saw her again you’d absolutely regret not seeing her. You can spend the weekend with him next weekend. Can you not all go and see her? Spend the weekend with her?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 29/06/2018 06:38

I’d say he was trying to control you with his behaviour as in his responses are designed to keep you in line.

My dh would never say ‘oh our dd doesn’t want you to go to your mums’ wtaf? A child doesn’t get to dictate anything like this and he is clearly using her as a weapon!

Stand up to him. Send him a link to passive aggressive behaviour

Daddystepdaddy · 29/06/2018 06:39

OP just a question. Why is it your husband or your family? Do they not get along? You say he is not working on Sunday but you only want to see your sis with your daughter?

Fflamingo · 29/06/2018 06:46

He seems either very insecure or v jealous of you seeing other people. Helping DM move or seeing DSis are normal events in life but he is getting in a strop.
Though DSis would usually call on me And DH and DD not just see me. Does he have no life outside work except you?
I would ask him to repeat over any plans eg helping DM , ensuring he verbally agrees it’s fin with him then remind him of this if he whinges. But would start getting angry and ask him what he is going to do about this if he doesn’t as you won’t put up with being constantly criticised.

RabbitsAreTasty · 29/06/2018 06:49

Shut down the ranting hard. "I asked, you answered, I acted accordingly. It's not my fault you lied. Stop going on about it."

Literally walk out of the room if he starts on you.

Nellia · 29/06/2018 07:07

Why would a gender reversal be funny? Dont get that at all.
Is there an unmentioned issue in your marriage where you do not generally spend time together or you are speciffically being neglectfull ?
If not he is being unreasonable.
Tell him so, point out that its a behaviour that will ultimatly breed resentment on both sides and then do what you planned leaving him to think about it.

SandyY2K · 29/06/2018 07:46

I don't know how or why you put up with it. He wants you at his beck and call.

Do what you need to do and ignore him. You cannot change other people...only your reaction to their behaviour.

If my husband tried that nonsense I'd actually stay away more till he started being sensible.

Offred · 29/06/2018 08:13

The only way I found to deal with my h who does this stuff is to leave him.

He still does this stuff, he now uses the DC in it, but I get to not speak to him at all, which is a gift TBH.

Fishface77 · 29/06/2018 09:14

YANBU.
Tell him he needs to say what he thinks.
He thinks this kind of behaviour is normal because it’s what he’s been bought up with. He need some to change his thinking. Sometimes it’s fear. That if you say what you want to happen, your selfish/greedy/rude. It’s very difficult to break that cycle.

Daddystepdaddy your first comment is uncalled for. Op asked for advice in regards to his/her situation why did you need to make such a silly unnecessary comment??

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