Passive aggressive H - at the end of my tether

[redblonde]

My H is passive aggressive - his mum is too so I imagine its what he learned as he grew up but its pushing us apart. We've been married 14 years, and have an 11 year old. As an example, this week I had to spend a day at my mum's to help her clear out stuff for moving. My H had been working away so I knew he wouldn't be super keen for me to then go away as soon as he came back - so I asked him when might work and he said he was fine with Wednesday. Then on Tuesday he was all funny about me going, said our daughter didn't want me to go, and on Wednesday then called me while I was away to be arsey about when I was getting back and how it would ruin the evening. I pointed out I'd asked him and he'd agreed to it but apparently I was supposed to realise how he would really feel and not just have listened to what he said. He's still ranting about it today. This is just one example of when he will say one thing but I'm supposed to realise he thinks/means something else. I am a fairly straight lines type of person so have a tendency to just take for granted what he says is how he feels, plus I'm not sure I've got the mental energy to try and unpick everything he says for hidden meaning.

My sis is over from the US at the moment and heading back next week. This weekend is a great opportunity for me and daughter to see her, H is working Sat but not Sunday. He's said the words "Its important for you to see your sister" but also that he wants me to spend time with him. I think subconsciously(?) he wants me to pick him over her which puts me in a horrible position.

I'm just mentally exhausted in trying to deal with it all - does anyone have any techniques on dealing with this kind of behaviour?
Thanks

Daddystepdaddy, so what you mean is that the comments would be very different if it was the man coming on here telling us this same story - that he must see it very differently? That's probably the case with roughly 100% of the stories we read here :)

ravenmum not really, it is not about how a man would see it, more about the double standards you see on here all the time regarding interpreting context and intention depending on gender.

A man complaining that a woman was being passive aggressive because he was going off to help his mother directly after a period away with work and then spending more time away from his partner to be with his sister would get pretty short shrift on here of that I have no doubt. It seems to be generally accepted on here that men should prioritise their partners ahead of all else but not vice versa.

I'm not so sure, daddystepdaddy - I haven't sifted through the data to check :) but isn't it more that it is usually the woman posting here to complain, and that MNetters usually try to help the poster rather than their partner? When the men actually post, in my experience they get the same kind of advice.

Thanks for all your replies. One thing it has made me realise is how when you post on here (particularly when upset) how easy it is to only give one view (the negative) of the relationship. I don't think I'm in an abusive relationship but I'm aware of the issues and we have so much good stuff going on. he is supportive of me and actually gets on well with my family - I don't think this was about family, I think it was about feeling neglected and not articulating it well. Thanks to those who gave good advice - I do try to just stay calm and reasonable and reiterate that clear communication is really all I'm asking for. We are getting somewhere - he is better than he used to be although I appreciate that my post doesn't make it sound that way!

He gets frustrated when his mum acts in this way so I have pointed out that he is acting like her which I think has made him stop and think.

Thanks for all your support, I'll stick with it and see how we go.

I have a wonderful dh who has regularly been an indirect communicator (also gets it from his mum who couldn’t say ‘I want x’ if you had a gun to her head) . I now say when we are first dicussing it that I would like to take his opinion into account but I’m not a mind reader and it’s not my job to check with him 3 times and then try and work out if he’s being honest - I’m goign to take what he says at face value and plan accordingly. So if he doesn’t want to do x he has to say so.
I don’t really have to do this anymore actually as he has got the picture.

It is probably worth trying to get to the root of it - what is it exactly that he doesn't like about you doing your own thing? Being left behind all alone? In which case maybe he needs to widen his own friendship circle so that he doesn't just rely on you. And why doesn't he just say what he means? Is he afraid of sounding needy? In which case, maybe (again) it's because he is needy and should deal with that. Or is he afraid of sounding like his mother?

If this is a real problem for him and affecting all his relationships, perhaps he should think about counselling. It can really help sort deep-seated issues.