Estranged parent contacted me, can I ever get past the lack of trust

[nomad5]

Long backstory here which I've posted about over the years here, under different names. Highly dysfunctional family and unhappy childhood, masked by being naice and middle-class. I had to walk away for own mental health when my father was charged/convicted for serious abuse of trust/dishonesty offences. My mother passed away while NC but my father never told me (I found out thorough friends).

My father has now contacted me after 10 years. With an apology for "embarassing" me because my parents refused to come to my wedding (when I refused their attempts to control everything) and for embarassing me when he was caught by the police. I wasn't embarrassed, I was disgusted and angry on behalf of the people he abused and stole from. I was also fed up of feeling upset and anxious about anything to do with my parents.

His new partner has encouraged him to write this letter, he says. He says he feels sad and alone although he is doing well financially (good for him, what about the people he stole from). He would like to see me. If we can't have a relationship he wants me to tell him so he can rearrange his will and affairs. He made some veiled barbs at my late mother which I thought were odd/uncalled for - she was a very very challenging person for sure, but I don't see making snide comments about a dead person is helpful or respectful.

I am trying to give his letter reasonable consideration. There is an apology (for the first time ever) but it does not go far enough to cover a lifetime of shitty and at times inappropriate behaviour (spying on me getting changed when I hit puberty, for example, or leaving internet porn open where I would see it). My DH reasonably points out that my father is a terrible communicator, so perhaps that's the most he can manage.

But I can't trust him. I won't ever trust him. He has lied to me for as long as I've known him. Not every time in my life with him and my mum was bad but 60-70% was challenging.

I don't want my DC near him, especially DD. The thought makes me feel ill.

Is there any way to get past the fact that I don't trust him. I haven't missed him at all these past ten years - it's been a freedom. But I want to be reasonable considering he's given me an apology of sorts.

Any advice welcome.

If it were me I would possibly respond accepting his apology but leave it there with NC. It would perhaps be closure but I don't see any point in having him back in your life.

If we can't have a relationship he wants me to tell him so he can rearrange his will and affairs.

I think this shows that he is not truly sorry, he is the one who wronged you therefore why should his will be conditional as to whether you agree to have a relationship with him? He should be wanting to include you regardless. Personally I wouldn't trust him not to have you dancing to his tune then cut you out anyway.

You do what you think will be best for yourself to live with in the long run. If this means continued no contact then so be it.

Apology or not the thing that jumps out at me is if there is no relationship he will rearrange his will? WTF does that mean? If you're a good girl and you play along you get to be in his will? These people never change.

I'd remain NC and not acknowledge the letter.

Just read my post back and wanted to clarify that I'm not implying you would only be getting back in contact because of the will. I would worry that you'd allow him back into your life in good faith then he might use his will to hurt you/make a point.

He's a spendthrift and there would not be a lot left anyway in probate. I also don't want a thing from him anyway. The cutting out the will thing has been used multiple times over the years.

I would now shred and otherwise disregard this letter from your father. Do not reply to it, a response is what he wants here. Responding at all will further open lines of communication and a box that should otherwise remain closed. There is no real semblance of an apology within it; his partner also put him up to writing such a missive full of excuses and self justification in the first place.

Why now?. What is in this for him?. Apart from using money and a will to control you further. Abusive parents often try and use such measures against their now adult offspring; its par for the course for such disordered of thinking people.

Ah, fuck him. Your life is happier without him, you feel ill at the thought of your dc anywhere near him. You don't owe him anything because of a half arsed apology that comes with thinly veiled blackmail.

You want to be reasonable but toxic people like your dad are never ever reasonable and or play by the "normal" rules here of familial interactions. He has not fundamentally altered since your own childhood.

If there is no trust there is no relationship. Again I would urge you to not at all reply to his letter.

The cutting out the will thing has been used multiple times over the years
And is still being used - even in a letter meant as an apology!
Just no. He has not changed a single bit.
You've lived a peaceful life being no contact.
I would continue this.

I’m so sorry, that would be a big fat return to sender for me. Good luck finding your way through what sounds like a particularly unhealthy family environment.

He doesn't sound sorry to me. I'm sorry for embarrassing you is a non-apology in my view.

DH has recently gone NC with FIL and I had good advice here re the narcissist's script. It sounds like your father is following it, and is using it to try to bring you to heel.

Why would you fall in with his manipulations?

Would you benefit in any way?

Do not give him any response; this is what he is waiting for here from you OP. Even a "return to sender" is a response from you so he knows he has you then. Responding at all opens a door that should remain firmly shut.

It is really best to maintain your current no contact position. You've been happier without him in your life too.

If we can't have a relationship he wants me to tell him so he can rearrange his will and affairs.

That’s not an apology. It’s a threat.

I’ve been NC with my father for years - he’s managed to track me down abroad and I’ve had the whole self serving justification from him down the phone. Zero insight. He basically had his mother die and was feeling maudlin, and I’d just had a baby and he felt like being a grandfather. Nope. Not after the way they treated us. Nope nope nope.

Shred the letter. Everything mine sends me goes straight in the incinerator without opening. He will never see my kids and if he turns up here the police will be called. That’s the price for twenty years of emotional abuse.

Shred it, forget it, carry on as you were.

I don't think you'll ever be able to trust him again no, too much has gone on. If the letter was genuinely full of remorse then maybe you might want to carry on some sort of communication, but the reference to his will and the comments about your mother suggest he hasn't turned over a totally new leaf. If you did want to reply maybe suggest he leaves any inheritance to the NSPCC but I can't see how having him back in your life would do you much good at all.

I would also not respond and remain NC. There is no possible benefit to you from replying to the letter. You do not trust him and rightly so.

You have not missed him and are happy to be free from him. Stay that way.

He doesn't know how to be a decent person let alone a decent parent. You've done the right thing moving on and the fact that you don't miss him - quite the opposite - tells you what you need to do from hereonin. You've done so well to build a good life without him and I wouldn't let him jeopardise that. The veiled threats about the will and snide comments about your mum have slipped through even when he's editing himself and on best behaviour. I would acknowledge his apology - accept it if you can - and say it's good that his partner is helping him to deal with his issues, but unfortunately his behaviour was so bad that you're unable to trust him and so can't rebuild the relationship. He can rearrange his wills as he sees fit, it's really not about the money for you and the fact that it is for him shows that he has a long way to go yet.

It is not worth responding to this letter. As others have said, it's a non apology, and is still trying to manipulate you with the inheritance thing. Just ignore it.

He thinks you were embarrassed by him getting caught? No, I'll bet you were embarrassed by him committing the crime in the first place.

And the rearranging the will stuff? Blatant manipulation. The digs at your mother are awful.

He spied on you when you were getting changed when you hit puberty and left porn out for you to see it. That is beyond horrible and that alone would be enough to make sure he never saw me or any of my children ever.

He is bloody awful. And he hasn't changed one bit.

Do not respond to him.

Thank you all. My gut instinct is to not engage with him, I needed some reassurance.

There's so much about the letter that makes me angry. Reminiscing about a few nice times, saying my mother told him (when she was dying) to wait for me to come back to him (I have no way or verifying that), heavy mentions about how upstanding and well regarded he is in the community (he had to move to another area after his conviction to restart his business).

He does say he realises that his actions have caused the disintegration of his family. So that's something, I suppose.

Just what the hell else is there to do. I don't trust him, that has to be end of story, surely. He doesn't know I have DC. I feel there is nothing in this for me, the benefit is one-way.

I feel like the only people I have to justify myself to are my children. I want to be able to look them in the eye one day and give them an honest answer about why I couldn't let him back into my (and their) lives.

I would stay NC, OP.

He doesn't deserve you in his life and the tone and content of his letter suggests that he is still a manipulative shit who will say anything to get other people to do what he wants.

I think the lurking watching you change/openly displayed porn is enough reason to protect your kids.

Nope, doesn't sound good to me. Looking after your own mental health is also reason enough, I would acknowledge the letter but leave it there.

spying on me getting changed when I hit puberty, for example, or leaving internet porn open where I would see it
I'd advise you not to tell him you have children or encourage him to come anywhere near them.

I would ignore. Don’t even return to sender. Because that’s a response.

If he were truly sorry he would not alter his will based on your response.

Keep yourself and your family safe. Like your mother could not.

Yes absolutely. The inappropriate behaviour is a fundamental red line. He would swear black and blue it never happened but my (very troubled and also emotionally abusive) late mother and I are the only ones who were aware of it. There was a lot of subtle grooming throughout my childhood.

Every time I think "well maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world to have sporadic email contact" (we live far away from each other) the reality is that it's likely to be a wedge that he will try and force open for more contact if he were to discover he's a grandfather. He doesn't deserve the full-hearted love children would give a grandparent. Just running through the logic out loud here. Dealing with screwed up people is challenging.