Estranged parent contacted me, can I ever get past the lack of trust

[nomad5]

Long backstory here which I've posted about over the years here, under different names. Highly dysfunctional family and unhappy childhood, masked by being naice and middle-class. I had to walk away for own mental health when my father was charged/convicted for serious abuse of trust/dishonesty offences. My mother passed away while NC but my father never told me (I found out thorough friends).

My father has now contacted me after 10 years. With an apology for "embarassing" me because my parents refused to come to my wedding (when I refused their attempts to control everything) and for embarassing me when he was caught by the police. I wasn't embarrassed, I was disgusted and angry on behalf of the people he abused and stole from. I was also fed up of feeling upset and anxious about anything to do with my parents.

His new partner has encouraged him to write this letter, he says. He says he feels sad and alone although he is doing well financially (good for him, what about the people he stole from). He would like to see me. If we can't have a relationship he wants me to tell him so he can rearrange his will and affairs. He made some veiled barbs at my late mother which I thought were odd/uncalled for - she was a very very challenging person for sure, but I don't see making snide comments about a dead person is helpful or respectful.

I am trying to give his letter reasonable consideration. There is an apology (for the first time ever) but it does not go far enough to cover a lifetime of shitty and at times inappropriate behaviour (spying on me getting changed when I hit puberty, for example, or leaving internet porn open where I would see it). My DH reasonably points out that my father is a terrible communicator, so perhaps that's the most he can manage.

But I can't trust him. I won't ever trust him. He has lied to me for as long as I've known him. Not every time in my life with him and my mum was bad but 60-70% was challenging.

I don't want my DC near him, especially DD. The thought makes me feel ill.

Is there any way to get past the fact that I don't trust him. I haven't missed him at all these past ten years - it's been a freedom. But I want to be reasonable considering he's given me an apology of sorts.

Any advice welcome.

From what you’ve put, it all seems to be about making him feel better. What would you get out of making contact? Would it enhance your life? I think you already know what is best for you and your family - you now just need the courage to trust yourself that you are doing the right thing.

Btw, showing children porn is a huge red flag as the person is desensitising them to sexual acts. I would be vvv concerned about that (even without the spying bit!!)

I wouldn't answer either. He's using the threat of the will to try to force you to respond even if it is to say you don't want a relationship.

I wouldn't answer either. He's using the threat of the will to try to force you to respond even if it is to say you don't want a relationship.

From what you’ve put, it all seems to be about making him feel better. What would you get out of making contact? Would it enhance your life? I think you already know what is best for you and your family - you now just need the courage to trust yourself that you are doing the right thing.

Btw, showing children porn is a huge red flag as the person is desensitising them to sexual acts. I would be vvv concerned about that (even without the spying bit!!)

I’m sorry you had to go through such awful abuse. Your father doesn’t deserve the emotional energy and time you are putting into this. Burn the letter and never look back.

Once your children are old enough to understand, you can explain exactly why you weren’t in contact. You are protecting them from an abuser.

He spied on you getting changed and left porn out. Do not let that man back into your lives and protect your children. Warn whoever he's with too in case she has children or grandkids

Sorry, imho, he doesn’t want you back in his life at all.

His new partner has pushed her nose in, presumably presuming (sorry! ) that normal family dynamics apply. They do not apply here as you know.

He wrote the letter to get her off his back on the subject.

It has nothing to do with you, as usual. The digs at your mother, the will threat, the non-apologies (I’m sorry I embarrassed you/you were embarrassed is not the same as I’m sorry for my behavior) are there to discourage you from returning.

He may like using you for a perpetual pity party where his audience know none of the particulars.

To answer your question, no you can’t ever get past the lack of trust. Never ever never ever ever.

Another endorsement for Do Not Respond. DNR- do not resuscitate.
His howls can dissipate into the ethereal realm of the stratosphere.
You have already done the hard part.
Trust your gut. Stay safe. Protect your dc.

Doesn't sound like he has changed at all.

He isn't sorry for his victims.

He isn't sorry for what happened to you.

He is happy he is now an upstanding member of the community (who have no clue about his past).

He girlfriend made him write it.

Oh and if you don't want a relationship kiss goodbye to your inheritance.

Set fire to it in your back garden and ignore.

If you do respond to him I would be tempted to spell out exactly what is wrong with this.

*Dad,

I can understand why your new partner has encouraged you to get in touch. She is probably not aware of the reasons why we have not been in contact for the last ten years.

However, you were abusive throughout my childhood and this pattern of behaviour continued until I made the decision to break off contact ten years ago. Your behaviour towards me as a teenager was sexually inappropriate, spying on me when I was getting changed and leaving pornographic material for me to find. In the run up to my wedding you were overbearing and controlling, eventually refusing to attend when you did not get your way. After I cut contact with you, you did not even have the decency to contact me to let me know my mother had died. Furthermore, you have been convicted of criminal offences involving dishonesty and abuse of a position of trust.

Even if I believed that you had genuinely turned a corner, I am not sure I would be able to forgive you for your past behaviour. However, nothing about your letter leads me to believe that you have changed as a person. I do not appreciate your unpleasant comments about my mother, who is dead and unable to defend herself, or your threat to cut me out of your will if I do not agree to re-establish contact with you.

For the avoidance of doubt, I do not wish to receive anything in your will, and anything you do leave me will be given to [charity for victims of child abuse]. All I ask of you is that you leave me in peace to move on with my life.

Please do not attempt to contact me again.

Nomad*

All this man wants is a response; do not give it to him.

Responding to him at all is not advisable because he will also take your words, no matter how carefully or nicely worded, and twist those to suit his own agenda. You cannot reason with someone like your dad so there is no point in trying. Responding too will break your current no contact position and will bring you a whole new level of anguish.

This contact is all about him all about making himself look better his new partners eyes. Doubtful she even knows the full extent of abuse suffered. His apology isn't an apology as it comes with conditions and his behaviour was disgusting not embarrassing, he was grooming and spying on his own child. He isn't safe around children even his own!
If he wasn't a blood relative there would be no doubt whether continued no contact was justified so I'd view him in same way Op as any man who's treat you/a child in way he had.
You didn't get a choice to be related to this manipulative controlling abusive man. But you get a choice now to ignore his latest attempt to control and manipulate the past.
Ignore the whole letter he doesn't deserve you or to know your children

You've done all the emotional labour involved in going NC with this horrible man. Why on earth are you even considering getting back in touch with him, Nomad? You have DC now and they must never be exposed to him.

The letter is him on his very best behaviour yet he's still lying and being manipulative. The business about the Will? Puhlease!!

And I agree with PP that he's written this at the behest of his new DP, who is presumably puzzled as to why he's estranged from you. Little does the poor woman know, though from what you say about the grooming she probably should - at least if she has young DC or DGC.

You're only even considering this because of the number he did on you when you were a kid. Please be strong and clear headed. Your DC would be harmed by including someone who behaves like this in their lives.