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Original poster

Husband and my appearance

31 replies

Claragha · 28/06/2018 00:27

I take it this is not this normal/acceptable?

I cannot remember a single time when my husband has ever commented positively on a part of my body, or on a single item of clothing that I own. Been together 12 years.
He has been, on occasion, mildly negative about both. Mild as in "you sure like wearing those shorts" in a way that leaves me in doubt that he hates them. If I ask if he doesn't like them he won't say they're awful or that I look a state, but rather something like, "not really,they don't do you justice". But yet nothing seems to do me justice - because like I say, he doesn't seem to like anything. When I'm dressed up and I ask him if I look nice, he will answer that yes, I look very nice, but he NEVER volunteers this. Not even on my wedding day/ times when I clearly have made a big effort.

A similar thing he'll do is when I ask him if I look ok, he'll say yes, but hang on, and then brush out creases or lint/fluff that I'm pretty sure isn't there. Or make out that he's adjusting a crooked hem or something.

I used to compliment him. But have got out of the habit because it hurt me to realise it was all one way. He never seemed to appreciate the compliments anyway.

I feel like this shouldn't matter so much but it has really chipped away at my self esteem. I do get compliments on my style from others though.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 28/06/2018 05:33

Your husband should make you feel beautiful op. Does he say other affectionate things like he loves you or things like that? If not I'd guess this is part of how he communicates more generally. I don't like that you said he always finds something to adjust, this sounds quite critical to me.

Daddystepdaddy · 28/06/2018 06:04

Is he positive about other things or is he generally a critical person? If it is the latter it will be difficult for him to change tbh. I know it is not the same but I work with a colleague who is always negative and it was very annoying until I realised that he did it because he cared about doing the right thing and if it wasn't right he would say so. When I looked back it was actually clear that he had caused us to rethink a few things that probably would have been disastrous if we had gone ahead.

Of course I am not making any excuses for your DH and in the end if it makes you unhappy then it doesn't matter how it is motivated. You need to have an open an honest talk with your DH about this as soon as you can.

swingofthings · 28/06/2018 06:21

My OH, who I've met in our 40s and had been married before, told me early in our relationship that most men get very anxious about any questions/expectations to do with how we women look because they feel that no matter what they say/don't say, they are bound to get it wrong.

The reality is that most loving partner think we are beautiful no matter what and they find it easier to show us by their actions rather than they words. They struggle to understand why we so often need reassurance about our appearance. Their view is that it's not about making ourselves look good for them but that we should make ourselves look good to please ourselves. A woman is attractive to her man if she is confident about her looks, not because she wears the latest trend of clothing.

Saying that, if I ask my OH about a look I'm not totally certain about, I will ask him but expect a frank response. I'm in my late 40s, but still good legs, so will still wear my 10yo shorts , but at the same time, I'm growing more conscious of my age, it isn't always appropriate, so I value my OH point of view.

TheNavigator · 28/06/2018 06:30

It is not just that he doesn't complement you, he obviously doesn't make you feel beautiful and that is the sad bit. It does not matter whether it is through words or actions, but your life partner should make you feel like you are the most beautiful woman in any room, in his eyes. That is, the whole package that is you should be lovely in his eyes.

I wouldn't focus so much on the complements, as he can just use the 'they make me feel anxious' excuse already kindly provided for him by a previous poster. I would talk to him about how he makes you feel - do you feel desired and valued by him? If not, he needs to know.

m0vinf0rward · 28/06/2018 08:01

My ex used to pester me about stuff like this, it always drove me crazy. If she looked dreadful in something and I was honest, I'd get the evils for days. If you didn't want the truth...why ask? You'd rather I lie? This is exactly why men don't want to answer these questions...we cant win.

54321go · 28/06/2018 08:20

A woman asking a man 'does this look good /OK' is a 'lose-lose' situation. Any hint of negativity (those colours don't go together etc) and they are in the 'poo'. If they say it is 'great' they are not believed.
@Swingofthings sums it up well.
It seems to me the concept of 'beauty' is largely in the head of women who then judge themselves and for some reason all too often feel they might be 'inferior'.
Men are generally more accepting that their bodies are not 'model perfect' and just get on with life. Women seem to be hung up on this. ALL bodies get a bit saggy and wrinkly, its called getting older, everyone does it.
If I wanted a 'beautiful' person just to look at, I would get a painting or photograph as it won't age. Most people want a person to live with and with that comes gradual ageing.

CaledonianQueen · 28/06/2018 08:23

Have you heard of the five love languages op? I am wondering if this might be a case of his love language being different than yours? You need words of affirmation to feel loved, yet his might be acts of service, physical touch/ affection, quality time or receiving gifts.

It might be worth reading the book the five love languages. Then if it becomes apparent that he isn’t trying to show you love in any way, then you can decide if you can continue in a relationship with someone who never tells you that you are beautiful. I definitely think that it is possible to learn your partners love language and help them feel loved.

Ifailed · 28/06/2018 08:25

Your husband should make you feel beautiful op

Why?

thebear1 · 28/06/2018 08:29

I had this but from my mother not my partner. I asked about it once and she said it just never occurred to her, as her parents never completed her on looks. Different relationship but have you actually talked about?

TammySwansonTwo · 28/06/2018 08:34

Bollocks. Women are very easy to understand if you bother to make the effort and of course you can win. Pestering? FFS.

OP isn’t talking about asking for an opinion on her outfits. She’s saying that her DH has never once complimented her appearance, not even on her wedding day, and she finds that very hurtful and it’s affected her self esteem.

OP - my DH doesn’t usually comment when I’m (rarely) dressed up either but I don’t care because he will often tell me I look lovely when I’m not done up, and always goes on about me having a beautiful smile (I don’t think so personally but he seems to see it!). He’s complimentary of my body even though it’s a very different body post children.

I would find it really hard to live like this personally.

Scribblegirl · 28/06/2018 08:39

I only ever ask DH if I genuinely want an honest opinion, and I will listen to it. However, he also sometimes tells me I look fantastic without me asking the question. As a result of that, I trust his judgment and don’t react negatively if he doesn’t like the way I look - because I know that sometimes he likes the way I look enough to comment spontaneously.

Shoxfordian · 28/06/2018 08:45

Why should your husband make you feel beautiful?

Because he's - presumably - your only sexual partner and feeling desired by him is important to your self esteem and your relationship

Because he should care about your feelings and want you to feel good about yourself

Because he's your husband ffs.

All this nonsense about men being too anxious to say anything complimentary or not know how to answer a direct question isn't applicable here. If the Op's husband can't even say she looks beautiful in her wedding dress then its a problem.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 28/06/2018 09:01

My DH does this with making comments about imaginary lint/fluff. I suspect it is done to either make me feel that I am imperfect, or that now he has helped he has made me look right.

Either way, I don't pay any attention to it. I sense it is toxic and odd behavior- even if I can't put my finger on why.

Don't look to a man to validate you. They are not very good at it.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 28/06/2018 09:32

Your husband should make you feel beautiful op.

I totally disagree with this. Why should he? If I don't feel beautiful myself, then that's my responsibility. Now, if my DH told me I was ugly, or intimated that I was, then that's a different story: not because he's 'made me feel ugly' - he can't do that - but because he's a fuckwit.

LoveInTokyo · 28/06/2018 09:35

What is the rest of your relationship like, OP?

You've given us a snapshot of how your husband acts specifically in relation to your physical appearance, which doesn't sound great. I am one of those who believes your husband should be making you feel beautiful, even when you're not feeling it yourself. But maybe he's not someone who would think to do that, or he feels awkward doing it.

So what else? Is he kind to you? Is he faithful? Is he honest? Is he supportive? Do you have fun together?

TheStoic · 28/06/2018 09:42

Your husband should make you feel beautiful op

Why?

Why?? God, what miserable partners some of you must be. Or is it some kind of weakness to want to feel beautiful and desired by your significant other?

TakeMeToKernow · 28/06/2018 10:11

you could be describing my relationship!! I'm so sorry for you, OP :(

I sometimes feel a bit sorry for myself, and then I realise that I'm really shallow to be craving a compliment. Then I feel sad that I'm in a relationship where that little circle of feelings happens :(

It's not feeling unattractive that makes me unhappy, but knowing my OH isn't attracted to me that makes me so sad.

Are you attracted to your DH? Mine is probably one of the most beautiful humans on the planet :(

swingofthings · 28/06/2018 10:20

Why?? God, what miserable partners some of you must be. Or is it some kind of weakness to want to feel beautiful and desired by your significant other?
Or what miserable wives some men have that they can only feel gratified through the eyes of others. That's the same as wanting the big house and cars so that it can make themselves feel important to the neighbours.

The point is that you shouldn't have to ask your partner if you look ok, or they found you beautiful to feel loved and desired. I personally would find it very off putting if my man needed reassurance about his look through me. What is attractive about him is 1/ his self-esteem, and 2/ that he looks after himself so that he does make all efforts to look his best any way.

Also, as said above, one need to be realistic, at least half of the population in this country is just not attractive. Overweight, fat arms and legs, massive droopy boobs and in clothes that don't fit and often don't match. It's a blessing that we love each other for other reason than finding each other beautiful!

headinhands · 28/06/2018 10:33

Aw op. That's the saddest thing I've read today. Your partner should make you feel smoking hot! Sure, he might not want to drag you into bed when you're wearing your grey joggers but he wouldn't mention it.

LoveInTokyo · 28/06/2018 10:37

Or what miserable wives some men have that they can only feel gratified through the eyes of others. That's the same as wanting the big house and cars so that it can make themselves feel important to the neighbours.

Um, no, it's not the same thing at all. Telling your partner they look nice or that you find them attractive costs nothing and makes them feel good. I don't go round telling other people when my husband has paid me a compliment. It's not about showing off, and I suspect that if I did that every time people would start to get pissed off and think, "OK love, that's nice, why are you telling me this?" and if I only did it once in a while they'd think, "Poor love, she must get complimented by her husband so rarely that she thinks it's something to shout about."

The point is that you shouldn't have to ask your partner if you look ok, or they found you beautiful to feel loved and desired.

I agree with this. They should be showing you that every day, of their own volition.

pinkdelight · 28/06/2018 11:04

If he's never done it, even on your wedding day, he's not going to change. So you either have to stop hoping for it or decide it's a deal-breaker and tell him, see if that jolts him into action. Unlikely though. I agree it's shit and he should be better at it, but you knew he was like that and presumably other things counterbalanced it.

SheerKhan · 28/06/2018 11:13

Only those can be given a true compliment about their good looks who actually have it.

LoveInTokyo · 28/06/2018 11:18

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and your husband should find you beautiful even if no one else does.

Even if someone looks like the back of a bus it's noticeable if they have made an effort to do their hair nicely or bought a new outfit and you can compliment them on that. When people don't make an effort to even do those things it's because they have low self-esteem and think that nothing they do will make them look good.

Having a husband who can't compliment you even when you've made an effort to look nice is certainly something that could make you feel that way.

AgentJohnson · 28/06/2018 13:25

I’m curious as to why you persist in repeating behaviour that doesn’t get you what you want. Stop waiting for him to be someone else. TBH, I find fishing for compliments tiresome and have never asked partners their opinion about my appearance.

This is who he is, the ball’s in your court, not his.

GallicosCats · 28/06/2018 16:35

I had an ex-bf like this. Note the ex...

While it's not realistic to expect your partner to think you're the UK's next top model when you're 50, short and built like Jo Brand, your partner should at least be physically attracted to you or there's no point in having a relationship.

Unfortunately some blokes really do have types. My ex's was long hair and big boobs, I am short-haired (yes I tried to grow it, no it didn't suit me) and averagely sized, quite flat-chested in my youth; in fact I wasn't that different from his DM in build and colouring which may be why it didn't work. He was a plank in other ways too so no great loss.

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