Husband and my appearance

[Claragha]

I take it this is not this normal/acceptable?

I cannot remember a single time when my husband has ever commented positively on a part of my body, or on a single item of clothing that I own. Been together 12 years.
He has been, on occasion, mildly negative about both. Mild as in "you sure like wearing those shorts" in a way that leaves me in doubt that he hates them. If I ask if he doesn't like them he won't say they're awful or that I look a state, but rather something like, "not really,they don't do you justice". But yet nothing seems to do me justice - because like I say, he doesn't seem to like anything. When I'm dressed up and I ask him if I look nice, he will answer that yes, I look very nice, but he NEVER volunteers this. Not even on my wedding day/ times when I clearly have made a big effort.

A similar thing he'll do is when I ask him if I look ok, he'll say yes, but hang on, and then brush out creases or lint/fluff that I'm pretty sure isn't there. Or make out that he's adjusting a crooked hem or something.

I used to compliment him. But have got out of the habit because it hurt me to realise it was all one way. He never seemed to appreciate the compliments anyway.

I feel like this shouldn't matter so much but it has really chipped away at my self esteem. I do get compliments on my style from others though.

Thanks all for your interesting perspectives on this.
There is also a total lack of romance/ gifts/ cards/being spoiled and I have very little feeling that I'm sexually desired by him generally either.
He has always been like this. I didn't use to think it was a deal breaker and thought he might make more of an effort once he saw how much all such stuff meant to me. Sadly this was not the case and there has been a drip effect on my confidence over the years. There are definitely things I avoid wearing too because of his reaction. As someone above said, if my one sexual partner and soulmate can't find anything nice about me ever, then it can feel very sad at times.
For the posters who say that a person asking is they look nice can be draining/annoying, I agree. I guess in my circle when someone goes out out out it is just customary to comment "you look well" at the least. I don't ask every time. Yes, I have realised there is no point any more.
For the posters who asked about his looks. Objectively speaking, he is very attractive but requires no such reassurance, is really not into his appearance anyway and does not seem to value compliments himself.

Why do you keep fishing for compliments? Being honest you come across as insecure in your appearance and want him to boost you.

That's all well and good and he's not that type of man. You must have known this when you married him.

He didn't change overnight.

I've never known a man not to complement his bride on the big day.

You need to stop asking him how you look and be happy with what you see in the mirror.

He has always been like this.

Exactly as I said.

For whatever reason you ignored this. You should have emphasised the importance before you married him.... otherwise how would he have known it was so important to you.

Dating is the time to assess suitability.

I'm sorry ...but you can't blame him for not changing.

Marriage is about accepting your spouse for who they are ...You can't change him.

I’m not sure how any of that helps the OP, Sandy.

Is the issue that you are concerned that he doesn't find you attractive and that he might decide to look for someone he does?

In the end, either he finds you attractive but doesn't feel that he should have to compliment you for you to know it, or indeed, he doesn't but maybe he doesn't need to do so to love you deeply and feel totally committed to you. If that was the case, what would you do about the relationship?

I don't think that a man has to compliment his partner, and I don't think I've ever asked anyone else if I looked nice (seems kind of vain?). It is nice to get a spontaneous positive comment every now and then, even if it is just "you have a great bum"! But I don't think you should expect it from someone who doesn't care about appearances.

Having said that, the snide comments about your wearing your shorts yet again, or picking imaginary lint off your perfectly neat clothes are unpleasant, suggsting that you look a bit rubbish. That would get on my nerves.