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Original poster

Do I invite ex to sons birthday party?

38 replies

AngelSnowflake · 27/06/2018 21:27

My husband left me 3 months ago and I am devastated. We have 2 children together.

I have really struggled to adjust and I’m ashamed to admit begged him at the beginning but soon realised that he wasn’t interested. He keeps telling me he’s moving on and I need to do the same. I’ve been going to counselling which is helping me so much.

It’s my sons birthday next month and I’ve booked him a party with all his friends. He asked if his dad was coming but I’ve said no.

I’m really struggling when I see him. The thought of him being there, I just know I’ll go to bits.

I’ve told my son that as we are separated now we do separate things but he can see his dad in the morning. He is fine with that.

My exH though seems to think I am being unreasonable and unfair and I have no right to even suggest him not being there. He’s made me feel so crap about it all.

Do I need to suck it up and invite him or should I stick to him not invited?
I just know I’ll go to pieces with him there.

OP posts:
donajimena · 27/06/2018 21:31

That is absolutely fine! You can stress that Dad will do something fun too. Its important for your son to see you as strong even if you don't feel like it inside.

donajimena · 27/06/2018 21:31

Your ex is being unreasonable btw

BrexitWife · 27/06/2018 21:35

Nope. As he said himself, yu are separated and moving on with your lives.
If him being there is too hard for you and your own sanity, then dint invite him.
His dad can organise a b’day party for his ds too.
Even better for his ds who would het TWO birthday parties.
Of course it means your ex would need to organise one which is hard work..... but he can’t expect you to still be doing all that for him anymore either

Original poster
AngelSnowflake · 27/06/2018 21:38

Thanks, I really needed to hear that.

I knew in my heart that I’m doing the right thing but he just puts it back on my on how DS will feel. It makes me feel guilty.

He makes me feel like s**t

OP posts:
Muddlingalongalone · 27/06/2018 21:45

I always have & he offered to pay half without me asking.
Depends on your relationship & it's 100% ok not to let him as well.
The only situation I wouldn't is if my parents were going because him being the same room as my dad isn't a good idea, but they wouldn't been keen on the school friend noisy softplay/trampoline party anyway!

Fishface77 · 27/06/2018 21:47

Ah well that’s what happens when you move on. Tough shit.

MonaChopsis · 27/06/2018 21:47

I don't, and feel no guilt about it at all.

Original poster
AngelSnowflake · 27/06/2018 21:50

I’ve told him in the future things may be different, but at the moment for my own sanity I need the distance from him.

He is just insistent that it’s punishing our DS but I’ve spoken to him and he’s fine. I think it would be far more damaging him seeing me breaking down.

He says he left me because he was putting himself first. I’m doing this because I’m putting my mental health first but that’s wrong.

He just gets in my head

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2018 21:51

Absolutely no way do you invite him. It’s your son’s birthday, it’s meant to be a happy occasion and he’ll ruin it for you! He’s the one who left, he’s lost his chance to push you around. It stinks of him not being arsed enough to arrange something himself for your son and it’s not your job to make him look good by basking in the glory of your effort and expense.

I have step kids and we and mum arrange separate celebrations. It’s what the DC expect and understand. Their parents aren’t friends and he already gets it that he’ll have time with you both separately.

Tell your ex to fuck off. And I’m sorry you’re having a hard time Flowers But trying to bully you and dictate to you are handy reminders of why you’re better off without him.

Thebluedog · 27/06/2018 21:53

Your ex is being unreasonable...

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2018 21:54

X post. You’re absolutely right. It’s not your job to include him. Tell him to arrange his own bloody party. And don’t suggest you might change your mind. It’s much easier for you and your son if you draw a line now and then everyone will get used to the new status quo.

pallisers · 27/06/2018 22:00

Use his own words back to him. Say you are moving on and it is time he did too. If he says it isn't fair, tell him life isn't fair and certainly isn't fair when relationships split up.

He sounds like a selfish plonker. He wants all the good bits of being separated and single but none of the downsides (like having to actually organise a birthday treat for his son).

Original poster
AngelSnowflake · 27/06/2018 22:00

Thanks everyone.

It just seems I can’t do anything right in his eyes and everything gets turned back onto me that I’m being unreasonable.

He’s been on at me tonight over what I spend my maintenance on Angry

OP posts:
LongWalkShortPlank · 27/06/2018 22:01

I literally just had this myself. My ex seemed to think that because I'm throwing my daughter a party this year he and the woman he met online from a different country (who he will only have met three times and my daughter never!) would automatically be invited. I told him that I was confused, we hadn't celebrated together any other year and don't see why this should be any different. My ex is a nasty piece of work and he wouldn't have let my daughter play with her friends if he'd have come, he does that stupid monopolising picking her up the whole time thing.

LongWalkShortPlank · 27/06/2018 22:02

Mine does that too, and I haven't touched a penny of it yet. Not that he needs to know that. Angry Hang in there hun, I hear it gets better

Original poster
AngelSnowflake · 27/06/2018 22:05

I hope it does @longwalk

I know it’s still fresh but he is so different to the man I married. I never thought he would be like this.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 27/06/2018 22:06

It sounds like you're possibly engaging and communicating too much with him. Get the child contact plans in place asap and try to ignore/avoid/remove any contact over and above what is completely necessary for the welfare of the children.

It took me 7 years after the split to realise I didn't have to do things his way. I was still so under his control and feeling responsible for him and his feelings. It's a great place to be now I've gotten over that and realised I can call whatever shots I like in MY life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2018 22:07

It’s your money for your shared child. Tell him to fuck off.

Honestly love, he needs to understand that he can’t have it both ways. He decided to leave, your relationship is over, he’s lost any right to be on at you about anything.

Google the grey rock method and keep comms to a minimum. He has no place telling you what to do.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 27/06/2018 22:08

Your DS is fine with seeing his dad in the morning. Just leave it as that

confusedlittleone · 27/06/2018 22:10

Definitely not unreasonable!! He also shouldn't be organising his own party ect just letting his ds have an actual enjoyable birthday. You also don't have to let him see him that morning- enjoy the day with your ds and keep it stress free for both of you!

Original poster
AngelSnowflake · 27/06/2018 22:11

I try not to engage but DS is sleeping there tonight and has asked exH to buy him some school shorts as it’s been so hot
So he messaged me to ask shouldn’t I buy them as that’s what he pays maintenance for.

He draws me in and then turns it around on me.

I have been blocking his number when the kids are with me and then I unblock it when they are with him in case there is an emergency. But apparently I am unreasonable for doing that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelSnowflake · 27/06/2018 22:12

I can’t win

OP posts:
Cawfee · 27/06/2018 22:12

You need to block him from as much info as possible. How does he know your son is having a party? If it’s on your contact time then its none of his business. He doesn’t get to leave and then dictate what you do. Doesn’t work that way and it’s tough for him to realise that being separated ain’t all roses for him. He will miss out on things. Good. Maybe it will make him wake up and smell the coffee a bit. Be firm. Stop indulging him. Don’t answer texts unless they relate directly to the kids. None of his bloody businesswhat you spend the money on. Don’t even respond to messages like that. You need to start toughening up and it is now ok for you to ignore any shitty messages. Just don’t answer any further messages about the birthday party. Ignore ignore ignore!!

Cawfee · 27/06/2018 22:13

Doesn’t matter what he thinks is unreasonable. Who cares what he thinks. Nobody. Let him shout and rant...water off a ducks back. Just laugh at him. He’s a prick.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2018 22:14

The phone thing is fine. You can also tell him you’ll only be communicating by email so you can choose when to read things.

It’s probably easier to buy the shorts yourself but we keep a full house full of everything for DSC and people arrange things in all sorts of ways so whatever works.

I disagree that he shouldn’t arrange something himself for your son. He should if your son would enjoy it. It’s part of him stepping up and playing a proper role.

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