Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has secret children.....

36 replies

Snowangel123 · 27/06/2018 16:41

I’ve been married for 7 years and we have 2 children - I thought our marriage was fairly happy and ‘normal’ but did think my husband has always been rather secretive - I’ve never seen a bank statement or pay slip of his ever and we have never had any joint accounts. When I was on holiday with the children and my mum 3 months ago we returned home to find a note saying he’d left us - I’ve not seen or spoke to him since but approx 3 weeks after he left a woman contacted me to ask about the children’s maintainance payments??? After some further messages it transpires my husband has 2 children he has kept totally secret from me and he’s had nothing to do with for the past 8 years - I’ve bedn told they are 11 and 15 years old...
I’m beyond shocked and so angry with him for concealing such a massive thing from me - I feel our entire marriage was based on lies And I have no idea who the man I married really is...
I’m currently divorcing him - but feel so angry and duped that I feel like I want to somehow ‘sue’ him for deception and fraud even - as if I’d have known the truth ie he had 2 small Children that he washed his hands of I would never have married him and therefore not be in the situation I am in now being a single mother....
I would be so grateful please for advice and guidance and if anyone has experienced anything like the above - thank you

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/06/2018 16:46

Oh wow, what an absolute bastard in every single way.

Do you know where he is now?

Petalflowers · 27/06/2018 16:50

I think I would be shocked and angry too. I don’t have any advice, except speak to a solicitor.

Also, do you need to consider whether you want your children to have a relationship with dh’s secret children as they are your children’s half siblings.

In our family, intend to organise the financial stuff. My husband doesn’t really know what bank accounts we have, who we have car insurance with etc. I don’t hide it, but he wouldn’t have a clue, so I can see how it could happen.

Original poster
Snowangel123 · 27/06/2018 18:50

He’s living just round the corner - he’s not got any interest in seeing our children nor does he have the parenting skills as when we lived together as a family he took little or no interest in them.... hence they don’t miss him or ask after him... and he has nothing to do with his other secret chimdren and as far as my children ever knowing his other children exist I won’t be telling them.....

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 27/06/2018 18:53

Imo you do yourself no favours and in fact your dc a huge disservice by ignoring their half siblings.
None of them are to blame remember. Not even their dm!!

Cawfee · 27/06/2018 18:53

Wow..it’s posts like this that makes me wonder why any woman ever bothers with blokes. Reading mumsnet and things like this just put me off for life. They really are too much hassle!!
Really hope you can put your life back together

Pippylou · 27/06/2018 18:59

Check he wasn't married to their mother.

I think it would be sad if they don't know, it'll come out sometime & then it'll look like you lied to them too. Up to them what relationship they have when they are older but at least it's not another deceit, messing up their heads.

dirtybadger · 27/06/2018 19:04

I think you need a while to think about it....but I would be very upset and angry if I found out both my parents hid half siblings for me. They might not see it from your perspective. You have had a fucking shit time, and your dh is a prick...but I think you need to consider the impact of the half siblings from your kids' perspective.

Original poster
Snowangel123 · 27/06/2018 19:14

Atm my children are 4 and 1 - they are way too young to even begin to understand what’s happened.....

OP posts:
swimmerlab · 27/06/2018 19:19

Was he married to the other woman, has he committed bigamy?

dirtybadger · 27/06/2018 19:21

Sorry OP I wrongly assumed you meant you had no intention of telling them at all.

PrincessHairyMclary · 27/06/2018 19:30

Do the secret children live locally? I appreciate there is a large age gap now but there is a tiny possibility that in the distant future they could inadvertently meet each other, date etc so it might be something you want to tell them about in the future.

Original poster
Snowangel123 · 27/06/2018 19:35

I don’t know if he was married to her or not - he told me he’d never been married before - but then he told me he had no children!!!
They live approx 50 miles away so unlikely they would bump into each other....and I think they don’t even have the sane surname.....
She’s married to someone else who brings up the children ‘as his own’ so I don’t think there’s any bigamy involved.....
it’s just so hard to get my head round - I just keep running through are life together wondering how he could keep such a huge secret.....

OP posts:
prayerforasungod · 27/06/2018 19:35

I'm so sorry. That is awful. Your poor kids. Flowers

DaffoDeffo · 27/06/2018 19:38

How did the mother of the other children find out about you?

snewname · 27/06/2018 19:38

and he has nothing to do with his other secret chimdren and as far as my children ever knowing his other children exist I won’t be telling them.....

The anger you feel because of the secrecy...they will eventually feel when they find out. Despite the understandable hurt, push past this and bring your children up knowing about their half siblings. They don't need to meet unless they want to, but at least there won't be the secrecy. Just talk about them matter of factly from when they are young and it will be no big deal and no big reveal.

Mmmmmmmchips · 27/06/2018 19:43

I have no advice just a big hug for you and a big kick in the nuts for him.

SandyY2K · 27/06/2018 21:00

This is shocking. Makes you wonder what else he hid.

it’s posts like this that makes me wonder why any woman ever bothers with blokes.

Yeah..this is a very small percentage of men. If you read surviving infidelity.....you'd think every man and woman were cheaters.

sue51 · 27/06/2018 21:20

No words of advice, just shock that a Father is capable of abandoning not just one family but two. Utter bastard.

adaline · 27/06/2018 21:38

My ex did this. Luckily I found out before we married and had children - it came out during our wedding plans!

Before me, he was married and had two children, who he then abandoned. He went on to meet his ex before me, with whom he had three children. I knew about the latter three.

So far as I know, he now has nothing to do with any of them, is fast approaching forty and living with his 20-something girlfriend and her mother!

Pathetic. I know it doesn't feel that way now but you're so much better off without him, as are your DC. My ex's ex (with the 3 DC) is a fantastic mother and her children are a credit to her.

Original poster
Snowangel123 · 27/06/2018 22:15

I just wish he had told me about his other children when we met - I gave him opportunity to do this as asked him had he been married or have any children - for god knows what reason he decided to lie to me taking away my chance to make a decision for myself - if I had known then what I
Know now then I would have never married him or had children with him- who would want to start life and family with someone who had washed his hands of two small children..... he even wrote his will with me - clearly no mention was made for provision for his other two children....

OP posts:
almostmumtotwo · 27/06/2018 22:42

@Snowangel123 he will have not told you as he may well be ashamed of abandoning them. He will have known that by telling you it could push you away as he made the choice to leave his children behind and never see them. And like you say you would never have married him and had children with him if you knew what he had done. So by lying he managed to get the life with you he wanted and now has up and left when it was no longer what he wanted. He is very selfish and you deserve so much better and so do your children. Good luck with the future.

Original poster
Snowangel123 · 27/06/2018 22:46

Thank you for your words - it’s do hard to rationalise what’s happened - I hope he doesn’t go on and down this again to another woman.....

OP posts:
TeacupTattoo · 27/06/2018 22:53

I'm sorry this happened to you. I would say from my experience, I wish I had known my half-siblings and had a relationship of any kind with them...once your parents have both passed away you could do with as many family members as possible!
The siblings ARE siblings, and growing up knowing that is no bad thing.
This must be such a hard situation for you to get your head round, hard to fathom the level of cowardly dishonesty.

ginswinger · 27/06/2018 22:57

It might sound bizarre but you could do the next woman a favour by making a webpage with the details called 'MrSnowangel123 has secret children and abandons them' and make it searchable. I'd definitely thank you if I were her!

Swipe left for the next trending thread