just found out dh has slept with someone else

[newnails]

thats it really, never thought i would be posting this!!! what a mug i am, i used to read things on this and be all smug because i never thought this would ever happen to me.

it was "only" a drunken one night thing, like that makes it any better.

i have been to the video shop where she works and have half killed her and possibly ruined half the shop (not like me at all btw)

what do i do now??? can anyone tell me!!!

we are supposed to be going out with friends tomorrow night and its all i can think about for some strange reason. i think i should be screaming and crying but all im worried about is what my friends will say if i call of.

This is so for you and I feel so outraged on your behalf reading this.

For now, cry shout scream ad all those thing you need to do. If you can - do some of it at him, he does need to know how angry this makes you. Then, when you're over the anger, you need to get to the bottom of what happened so you can figure out if it's something you can learn to forgive. Things like how long ago was it, why didn't he tell you straight away and had he known her before.

Men can be real prats sometimes but we all make mistakes. And however bad this is, he didn't go chasing, he didn't fall in love, it wasn't premeditated etc etc. I think you can come back from this but it will take a while for you to get the rage out of your system before you can even think about it.

newnails, how are you doing this morning love? How are you feeling. Have you spoken to DH?

I've read through all the messages. TBH I think there are SO many variables here, like some have said, chinese whispers, this woman in the video shop doesn't sound like the most attractive woman in the world let's face it, and she obviously was desperate to get her claws into your DH. I don't blame you AT ALL for half killing her.

What did she have to say for herself when you went there yesterday?

If anything did happen, it sounds to me like your DH was truly taken advantage of when he was in a very drunken state. Why would he throw your marriage away for her? I am SO SO SO SO angry at her FWIW. I'm not in anyway excusing the situation or anything like that. I think it's important that no irreversible decisions are made at this stage. Have you considered contacting relate? I am sure they have helped people before in your situation, they may be able to offer you some wise words that could help you.

Hope you're ok, x

newnails just seen this

I agree with everything Outraged has said.

Also agree that you should not make any rash decsisions at this time.

I was ready to forgive my dh after a 6 month full emotional and sexual affair - because I focussed on what we had and the fact that he had previously been an amazing husband and father.

Sadly my dh's ongoing affair has changed him in ways I could never have imagined, and he is no longer the man I married. But your dh is nowhere near in that league. Even good people make horrendous mistakes.

Just give yourself time before deciding to end everything you have due to this. He has a hell of a lot of making up to do. But you can get through this if you decide you want to

xx

Hope the OP is feeling better this morning. But I find it a bit depressing that so many people seem to think that a sexual indiscretion justifies assault and criminal damage by way of revenge.

i feel really bad for you both TBH.

It's all fresh and painful right now, but i hope you can work past this.

I think what OutragedfromTunbridgeWells is saying is spot on, it does sound like it wasn't premeditated, he was stupid to do it and more to get so drunk he didnt know what he was doing but like she says it is not worth throwing your marriage away/ family apart. Being able to forgive him will be a release for you as much as for him, it will take time and you will have to be careful not to keep thinking over and over it once you have decided to forgive him, you cant hold him in that prison forever or that will destroy your marriage. You are in control as to how this goes from now, your attitude is key to the success of it. All the best, I admire people who work thru things like this very much, particularly as marriages are thrown aside so easily these days.

newnails, I really feel for you. From what you have said it sounds odd, how would he manage to get dressed being as he was that drunk? It could be that the girl is making it up. I hope that you have managed to talk to your husband, I am thinking of you.
I completely understand your reaction.

Why is it when commit a sexual indiscretion they are "silly" and it was a "huge mistake" that can be forgiven but the "other woman" is immediately branded as a "bitch" and a sexual predator who premeditated the whole thing? It always seems to be the way. Odd isn't it?

Granted Newnails, this is a pretty shitty thing to have happened to you. I can appreciate that it must have been a huge shock (I know how you feel, an ex partner cheated on me once too - not nice at all) but if your DH is capable of going out alone and getting so totally bladdered that he could not only completely take leave of his senses but would also put himself in the position of having sex with "a fat slag with BO and bad teeth" doesn't it (a) make you wonder if you really know what makes this man tick anymore and (b) what the future might hold?

Personally, I don't believe that things can be right in a relationship where something like this can happen and under these circumstances.

Are you sure he's not having some sort of emotional crisis if he's done something like this that's so out of character?

I hope you can sort your problems out and don't suffer too much.

so so sorry

such a lot on your plate when u have two wee ones too..

time to take stock

is DH your soul mate can u be apaprt

was it a fumble and sex with her as oppessed to commitment he has with you

get a babty sitter - some time to adequtely discuss your feelings/experiences/what next

get yourself some space to think

don't make hasty decisions
good luck

How are things now? x

hi all just a quick update, let dh back in yesterday afternoon to talk, he is in peices and says while he is sure nothing did happen he was so drunk he cant guarantee it, his friend had been to see the cow in question and she is supposed to have admitted that it was made up, i have been back to her work to try and talk to her (perhaps i should have done more of that before ) and try and work out what is true and what is lies.

it might sound stupid but i have still not let him move back in, im so bloody angry that he could ever put himself in that position and risk everything that we have.

im still not sure when or where this will end but im feeling a bit calmer now, he has done the chasing and the begging so in a very strange way i feel like im the one with the upper hand just now.

nicenails - good luck whatever happens

this is a deeply personal issue, dont know what id do...

thinking bout u babe

go get yourself a wee treat - after all you are worth it

eeeeeeeeerrrr newnails but im sure they are nice too

newnails, it really does sound like nothing happened. I am so pleased for you, I have been thinking of you. It might be a good idea to get him to agree not to EVER EVER get that drunk again. getting too drunk to know what is going on is a really bad idea for anyone.

he actually had a bit of a hissy fit when he came round yesterday and throw all his drink in the wheelie bin, he says he wont ever touch a drop again which i think is a bit severe but i did appreciate the gesture (not that i told him that)

newnails, I truly hope it all gets sorted and things work out ok.

Been thinking of you.