just found out dh has slept with someone else

[newnails]

thats it really, never thought i would be posting this!!! what a mug i am, i used to read things on this and be all smug because i never thought this would ever happen to me.

it was "only" a drunken one night thing, like that makes it any better.

i have been to the video shop where she works and have half killed her and possibly ruined half the shop (not like me at all btw)

what do i do now??? can anyone tell me!!!

we are supposed to be going out with friends tomorrow night and its all i can think about for some strange reason. i think i should be screaming and crying but all im worried about is what my friends will say if i call of.

yeah he ws close to ters saying how much he loved me etc etc i get the impression that he thinks if he really cant remember anything then that makes it ok. god my head is so messed up, i dont know what i think.

i feel for your bf she must have been so worried about telling you. The anger is understandable towards anyone having just found out what you had. When the shock wears off please have a friend to hand you will need them.

Not remembering does not make it OK.

You are going to need alot of time to sort yourself out. Don't be rushed into doing anything.

new nails don't try and make any decisons yet.
Are you going to let him come back in tonight ?

are the kids in bed?

i know i should not feel angry with her i just want to be angry with everyone just now. as far as i am concerned he is not coming back full stop, i really want to kill him just now.

i cant begin to imagine how you must feel. i'm so for you. when you get past some of the maybe you could get someone to look after your los so you can have a talk. if you can bear that, that is. i hope you manage to sort it out, but be kind to yourself, and take as long as you need. he will have to understand.

hun i know as do others on here exactly how your feeling right now. and no amount of words in the world can take away what his done and the pain its caused you. Im so so sorry your hurting men truely dont understand the pain they cause when they do this. i wish i had words of wisdom but i dont im sorry

I can totally understand your shock and anger. Totally.

But a drunken mistake is very different from an ongoing affair. In time you might be able to restore the realtionship.

All may not be lost.

I do know people who have successfully overcome crisis like this in thier marriage. Very hard to do, but one couple I know have gone on to be married for 30yrs after. Maybe a bit scarred but happy, united and enjoying their Grandchildren.

I can understand you probably cannot contemplate this now though.

If he was so drunk that he can't remember what happened, there is every possibility that nothing much did and this other girl is making it up. Maybe she wanted to sleep with your dh, but he was too drunk to oblige (or may even have said no), but she is saying that she did because that is what she wanted to happen.

Could you not give him the benefit of the doubt?

freckle that is the one tiny shread of hope that i am clinging to, but how on earth will i ever know the truth.

newnails you probably will never really know what happened!
You have to work out whether you can overcome that. People do get over much more and people break up for a lot less.
Only you can know what your relationship is worth. It's just a shame he didn't.

ask him? straight up look him in the eyes if he can hold your gaze then chances are his telling the truth and nothing happened. has he tried calling you at all?

Newnails, it is totally normal for you to want to kill him, and her!

But in time the anger will subside and you will be able to think clearly.

FWIW I don't think that a drunken mistake is worth throwing away a whole relationship for.

I really hope that you can work it all out. I'm sure that there will be other MN'ers wiser than me who will have some proper words of advice.

It is quite possible he barely remembers, or that it is all very blurry.

Do you think he loves you? Is he a good husband and father (usually)?

This episode wil be very damaging but it does not necessarily represent the whole of your relationship. In fact it is probably totally unrepresntative of your relationship from what you say.

You will never know totally what happened but you have to decide whether to trust what he says. Hard to do right now, but focus on what kind of man you know he is.

You know him better than anyone warts and all.

reading between the lines and just getting the general feel for what you are saying I think you can move on from this.It was a drunken fumble probably an ego boost to someone happy and settled and he was pissed so god knows what really happened.It wasn't an affair or a love thing which is far harder to cope with.For men it is pure sexual relief and nothing else I know that is not what you want to hear now but hang in there a bit and talk you might get through this.

his friend has just been on the phone saying that this cow was after him all night they were in the pub, dh wanted to leave but this friend made him stay as they had met up with some guys they had not seen in a while. his friend says dh got really drunk and dissapeared to the toilet for ages feeling sick, i think this is when things are supposed to have happened, dh's friend says when he went to find dh he was slumped over the toilet but was fully clothed etc.

i dont know how much of this could be true and how much of it is damage control.

hmm DH managed to look me straight in eye many times and lie - never thought he would
Be angry for now it helps if I recall, be strong and don't make any rash decisions either way....
So sorry and know not the done thing but

TBH Newnails it does not sound like an incident worth throwing a marriage and family away for.

But you probably can't consider this yet, give yourself time.

I think then maybe you need to sit down with him and ask him for the truth.
This could be all lies from her and he could quite feasibly not know what happened.
If he was being sick i hardly imagine he was up for a session in the loo tbh.

i just never thought my dh would be capible of this, im such a insecure person and never thought it would be possible for him to hurt me in this way. how stuid do i feel just now, what makes me so special, not a lot if he can go with some fat slag with bo and bad teeth, she must of thought all her christmases had come at once.

When a partner cheats it isn't a reflection of you. Sadly everyone thinks they have trust in their relationships but some of them do go this way.
What you need to focus on is finding out the truth so that you can deal with that.
As you said it got passed from one person to the next before your friend told you , chinese whisprers

newnails how awful for you

I agree don't do anything too rash. You can get over this sort of thing, it is not like he has given himself to this girl emotionally, it sounds a bit like she took advantage of his very drunken state tbh

if your dh was in that bad a state nothing could have happened except in her head.

Even very loving, trustworthy, good people can make very drunken mistakes. Sad but true.

This sounds like a BIG mistake.

He will need to demonstrate to you how much he loves you and how much of a big mistake this was. Over time.