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Relationships

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Original poster

Help, can wild mom to be leave her past behind?

30 replies

tonyroy · 27/06/2018 10:14

I'm living with a mum to be, aged 38, first time mom.
She works in the alcohol industry with mainly men, she stops over
at hotels, sometimes sharing an apartment.
She used to get drunk with her male workmates and go on holiday with them (in the first 6 months she was seeing me).
She has little respect for me, once I stayed over at a shared apartment with another work guy and she went to the loo without any underwear on (knowing he was there)
I'm madly in love with her and since becoming pregnant she has behaved her self completely, never touching a drink or being weird.
I'm pretty sure she has cheated on me during the first 6 months and I'm worried once the baby is out she'll revert back to old ways and start drinking and god knows what, Any advice greatly received..

OP posts:

53rdWay · 27/06/2018 10:19

Getting drunk and going on holiday with male colleagues doesn’t mean she’s cheating on you. Nor does going to the loo without underwear on (presumably at night?) mean she doesn’t respect you. Honestly it sounds like you have quite a few issues about what you feel she owes you and what you think is reasonable.

Still, if you don’t feel you can trust her, then probably the best thing to do is forget about the romantic relationship and concentrate on building a strong co-parenting relationship for the baby.

Original poster

tonyroy · 27/06/2018 10:23

Needless to say I didn't include all the details, such as bed sharing with some of her male friends/colleagues after drinking etc.
She also used to get drunk with 2 exs but to be fair, they work with her.

OP posts:

FredSheeran · 27/06/2018 10:34

You lost me at she has behaved her self completely,

Oh, and then again at once the baby is out she'll revert back to old ways.

You can't be madly in love with her if you basically think she's a boozy slapper, just because she used to get drunk with her exes. 53rdway is right: start working out how you plan to be a parent to the child, not its mother.

Original poster

tonyroy · 27/06/2018 10:40

That's the whole point Fred, she was a boozy slapper before we started seeing each other seriously. Now, at least for the short term, she's great....

OP posts:

RainySeptember · 27/06/2018 10:42

All you can do is wait and see I guess, nobody here can tell you whether she will settle down. If she doesn't, and you can't live with it, you leave.

FWIW I don't think you can object to her doing her job, even if that involves overnight stays and a drinking culture. But most men would object to sharing beds, walking around naked in front of other men and so on, and you already suspect she has cheated on you. Think about what you can live with, draw a line, and if her behaviour falls below it, leave.

Scott72 · 27/06/2018 10:44

Are you the father? Can you be sure if you think you are?

mooey89 · 27/06/2018 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IdLikeABiscuitPlease · 27/06/2018 10:50

Why be with someone you clearly don't respect??

FredSheeran · 27/06/2018 10:53

Do you really love her though? In the realistic, I-like-you-despite-your-flaws way you need to build a strong relationship, strong enough to cope with parenthood?

You: think she's cheated on you already; make reference to her 'being weird'; disapprove of her socialising with her exes despite working with them; don't think she 'respects' you; have a problem with her travelling for work with male colleagues; only seem to like her now she's had to lay off the drink while she's pregnant.

She: wanders around naked in front of colleagues; crashes out with colleagues when they'd been out drinking; has a job and accompanying lifestyle you don't really like; has exes she sees regularly in her workplace.

So for her to be the version of herself you like, she has to give up her job and/or give up drinking. Is that likely to happen, and would you think it was reasonable? Like Judge Judy says, you picked her - why?

Original poster

tonyroy · 27/06/2018 10:54

Yep, I'm the dad, at least I'm 99% sure I am.

I do respect her Biscuit when she's functioning, sober and so far a great mom. Other times I don't.
As Rainly Sept said, the only thing I can do is set reasonable expectations and if that fails, leave.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 27/06/2018 11:02

I’m pretty sure most parents have done exactly all of those things before they had to grow up when kids came along. Nearly everyone has their wild younger days. But unless you’re rich and have a nanny or abandon your kids, that changes when you become a parent as you don’t have any free time anymore. I know my husband and I did all kinds of stupid reckless things when we were younger.

The real question is, why are you in a relationship with and having a child with someone you seem to not have much respect for? If I thought my husband was behaving disrespectfully (not saying you’re partner is btw), I wouldn’t have married him or had kids with him.

Original poster

tonyroy · 27/06/2018 11:05

Fred, When I'm with her, nothing else matters and we get on great.
I'm definitely in love with her.
She doesn't have to give up her job or stop seeing her exs, just stop bed sharing and walking around naked!!! (Which, is mainly as a result of drinking). I'm hoping being a mom will change her view and she'd settle down a bit.

OP posts:

Wherearemymarbles · 27/06/2018 11:09

Clearly her recent past is doing your head in.
I’d ask her if she has been unfaithful, if you can read her you’ll know. Also On the basis you dont trust her I’d also be getting a paternity test as well once baby is born. You dont need your partners permission for this

But there is no point being with someone you dont really respect and whose behaviour in the early days of your relationship may or may not have been appalling.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2018 11:18

Oh just leave now.

You're hardly going to be much of a positive influence - you sound really judgemental and a bit all over the place yourself too.

She'd probably do a lot better without you buzzing around making twatty comments every five minutes.

Original poster

tonyroy · 27/06/2018 11:19

This is a question I can't answer, I tried to block out all the negative aspects but clearly this has failed!!

OP posts:

Original poster

tonyroy · 27/06/2018 11:26

*Oh just leave now.

You're hardly going to be much of a positive influence - you sound really judgemental and a bit all over the place yourself too.

She'd probably do a lot better without you buzzing around making twatty comments every five minutes.*

No need to take out your anger issues out on me!!

OP posts:

eyycarumba · 27/06/2018 12:42

she was a boozy slapper ew, I hope she bins you.

You've got a nerve saying stuff like that about the woman you apparently love and had unprotected sex with.

Motherhood does change people, but you obviously don't trust or respect her - I suspect that even if she does 'behave' herself you will still have a stick up your arse about her past.

SandyY2K · 27/06/2018 12:53

What attracted you to a boozy slapper?

If that's truly her nature...being promiscuous, then I don't think she'll change.

Littlechocola · 27/06/2018 12:56

I’m not sure that your partner is the problem!
Behaving herself?
Boozy slapper?

Have a word with yourself.

Batteriesallgone · 27/06/2018 12:56

Why on earth didn’t you work this all out before having unprotected sex with her?

It doesn’t sound like you really love her by the way. It sounds like you love an idea of her and love her only as long as she performs that role.

FredSheeran · 27/06/2018 12:57

OK, well, maybe a more brutal but necessary question is - do you think she loves you enough?

Nothing you've said about her previous life is particularly awful. Drinking, socialising, maybe to excess sometimes - probably pretty standard for the industry. If she knew how much it bothered you once you were a couple - her wandering around naked, drinking with colleagues, etc - and didn't moderate it, then it's one of two options - (a) she doesn't see it as a problem; or (b) she doesn't care about your feelings. Or (c) you've never actually had a proper honest conversation with her about it?

Motherhood might change her, it might not. But you can't keep on judging her retrospectively for how she lived her life before she was your girlfriend. She is who she is. If you don't think you can cope with that, then be honest, and focus less on hoping she'll transform into someone else and more on how you're going to co-parent your child outside the very conventional relationship you want.

Original poster

tonyroy · 27/06/2018 14:40

she was a boozy slapper ew, I hope she bins you.

You've got a nerve saying stuff like that about the woman you apparently love and had unprotected sex with.

Not my original wording if you read the start of the thread but why sugar coat the truth?

Fred, I think it's more (a) she doesn't see it as a problem.
But I'm not judging her outside my relationship, only since we've been together. All the thread is about the relationship and not before.

I'm not sure I want a 'very conventional' relationship, just reasonable boundaries which I may not ever get.

OP posts:

glintandglide · 27/06/2018 14:46

Tbf it was OP who called her a boozy slapped, he was referring to another poster who did so sarcastically

OP you don’t sound very nice. Pretty grim to be having unprotected sex with someone you barely know or like

Original poster

tonyroy · 27/06/2018 14:56

OP you don’t sound very nice. Pretty grim to be having unprotected sex with someone you barely know or like

I did know her and I did like her, just not some of the things she did.

OP posts:

TheQueef · 27/06/2018 15:01

I'd bullet point all the criticism you put in this thread, print it out and issue it to her.

With any luck it will flag you up and she will ditch you.

After she's done laughing.

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