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Original poster

Best Way to Initiate Sex without coming across pervy or a 'pig'?

50 replies

Wherearethebuttons · 27/06/2018 00:22

Hello. I'm new here and joined for some female advice.
I've been with my partner for 9 years and my sex drive his higher than hers.
When trying to Initiate Sex I sometimes get told to stop being pervy. Next time I change tact and get told to be a bit more assertive. I've feel I've tried every variation in between but it's not often right.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy and understand than men and women are different in that area. I take it all in good humour, but I'm just asking advice on methods to try or examples of whats annoying etc.? It's a tough one! ConfusedGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherearethebuttons · 27/06/2018 00:25

*please excuse the typo's. It's late and I'm a neanderthal! (so she says lol)Hmm

OP posts:
Hogtini · 27/06/2018 00:25

Looking for cheap thrills online is a bad place to start..

SneakyGremlins · 27/06/2018 00:28

Have you asked her? And pointed out to her how she contradicts herself?

PineappleExpress · 27/06/2018 00:40

Wtf are you doing to get called pervy after 9 years together?!?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2018 00:42

Just stop. Don't initiate and wait for her to.

pisces7268 · 27/06/2018 00:43

If you've been with her 9 years surely you can speak to her about it? Worrying that she's calling you pervy tbh

TheseThingsMatter · 27/06/2018 00:57

Get a Yes/No pillow for her and take the guessing out of it.

EspressoButler · 27/06/2018 01:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerRoyalNotness · 27/06/2018 01:30

espresso GrinGrin

Original poster
Wherearethebuttons · 27/06/2018 06:03

Cheap thrills online? You've lost me there. Sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherearethebuttons · 27/06/2018 06:13

I think she uses the word pervy to try to stop me asking. There's a bit of comedy attached to a lot of her knock backs but she still means NO.

EspressoButler Smile
That's one I've not tried. I'm willing to try anything within reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherearethebuttons · 27/06/2018 06:17

I've spoken to her about it and she does apologise about being a tease and still saying no. She says she will try harder but to be honest we normally only talk about it just prior to bed and she's often tired (so she says!)

Thanks for taking time to respond. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/06/2018 06:21

If you're getting a lot of knock-backs, then it's probably a good idea to find out why rather than trying different tactics.

Questions like:
Do you have a libido mismatch and is that new?
When you have sex, does she enjoy it?
Is she tired or ill? Do you have young children?
How is your relationship the rest of the time? Is it good and affectionate, or is there a lot of fighting/resentment?

annandale · 27/06/2018 06:23

It's tricky. I've had a situation where a partner didn't initiate for ten years which wasn't really the answer either.

the big question is 'when does initiation start' - tbh if someone wants sex at 11pm that is basically the worst possible time of day for me - shattered, plummeting mood, evening/relaxation time is over, following day looming over me - so there is going to need to be a big buildup to that if they want enthusiasm at that time - e.g. 'the look' at breakfast, nice text during the day (not 'cor I fancy a bit tonight' but more like 'you have the best legs in the city, having a little daydream xox') and crucially making sure the first greeting after the day is over is nice - 'the look' again and a good hug and kiss.

Probably less effort to take a morning off and have sex at 11am when I am much more up for it but capitalism isn't designed for a good sex life as it's better for trade if we all hate each other and buy porn instead.

category12 · 27/06/2018 06:24

Also, calling her a tease - she's not obliged to have sex. If you always want to take it further when you're affectionate, she might feel pressured, which is a big turn-off.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/06/2018 06:26

Is it possible that she doesn’t find you attractive? I know that’s hard to hear but when I used to say no to ex it’s because I was physically repulsed by him but I didn’t want to say so.

Emma198 · 27/06/2018 06:28

you need to talk about it at a time when you're not in bed and you aren't either about to initiate or have just initiated sex.

Original poster
Wherearethebuttons · 27/06/2018 07:29

Maybe you are right. I suppose I only realise the problem when I've just tried to Initiate things. When I'm not in 'the mood' I don't think about it therefore don't talk about it.

I believe she doesn't fancy me but she strongly denies this and says she loves and fancies me. Who knows.

I think I'll give her a break from any advances for a little bit and have a discussion. (when I'm not 'in the mood')

Hopefully I just pick the wrong time. I doubt it but we'll see.

We have a young son so whatever the answer it's not a deal breaker and I'm not going anywhere.

I also wonder if my zero tolerance to cheating makes her feel secure and therefore no need to put any effort it. Again, who knows! I'll see what happens.

Thanks for the help and suggestions.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/06/2018 07:36

If it's so difficult to have sex and you have to ask how to initiate...I think you're in the wrong relationship.

It shouldn't be such hard work. That's not a criticsm of you.... it's more about the two of you being compatible.

If I was getting pervy like that...I'd find another girlfriend.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/06/2018 10:20

Feeling secure = not needing to put any effort into it?

Absolutely the opposite usually applies. Feeling insecure does NOT make a woman feel sexy.

Xulishesthepilot · 27/06/2018 15:40

If it's so difficult to have sex and you have to ask how to initiate...I think you're in the wrong relationship.

I think that's a little unfair if the OP and his partner have a young child. It is tough to manufacture sex when you have a small child - for lots of people it is, at any rate. It's hard to feel sexy, and what would previously have been playful flirtation can come across as tiresome lechery.

OP, if you're child is still young I'd give your partner the benefit of the doubt. She's telling you she still fancies you, I'm inclined to say believe her. Perhaps she's just not feeling all that sexy right now; that's far more likely than any of these other scenarios your imagining, all of which depend on her lying to you about how she feels.

And that's okay, it takes a while to get that back. Obviously you can't wait indefinitely and she has to want it back, but there has to be a bit of time whilst you just accept that as a couple and take sex off the table for a little while - if indeed that's what it is. Maybe agree to take the pressure off for a couple of weeks, then discuss your expectation for how much sex you would like - start small - just to get things off the ground again. Obviously in the long run you're working towards a completely fulfilling sexual relationship for both of you, but kids really can stall thing temporarily, and you need to go through that period of dissatisfaction together, not just her not feeling sexy and you wishing she felt differently.

Have a chat with her and see how you get on.

Xulishesthepilot · 27/06/2018 15:41

Grim misuse of "you're" instead of "your" there.

Pineappler · 27/06/2018 16:11

Sorry it sounds like she's not attracted to you. You've tried and she's giving mixed messages. May be ask her more, she should be honest whatever it is.

ScabbyHorse · 27/06/2018 16:27

Try doing the housework topless?

Keepithidden · 27/06/2018 20:05

If it is unwanted it will always come across as pervy or piggy, there is no other way it can come across!

Unfortunately there is no cure for this in my experience and it is likely you will be heading towards a fully sexless marriage. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.