Best Way to Initiate Sex without coming across pervy or a 'pig'?

[Wherearethebuttons]

Hello. I'm new here and joined for some female advice.
I've been with my partner for 9 years and my sex drive his higher than hers.
When trying to Initiate Sex I sometimes get told to stop being pervy. Next time I change tact and get told to be a bit more assertive. I've feel I've tried every variation in between but it's not often right.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy and understand than men and women are different in that area. I take it all in good humour, but I'm just asking advice on methods to try or examples of whats annoying etc.? It's a tough one!

Why does it always seem the way that women are the guardians of sexual activity and men are sometimes made to feel subservient/grateful/pervy/

I couldnt be arsed with it all. Far better to be totally free,live alone and wank yourself to death if needs be than be in thrall to some other person in this way

It's not women, it's the low drive partner. There's threads on here that show this.

It's not - the person who doesn't want it, gets to decide what they do with their body. There have been plenty of threads about women unhappy in sexless/low sex relationships on here.

I'm going to add to this that I don't necessarily think at all that she's not attracted to you, dh and I have mismatched sex drives and sound like we have some similar issues to you, but I honestly find him incredibly attractive and sexy, but we have 2 small children and I'm exhausted! I feel like the days roll around and that he's wanting to have sex way more than I do and so find myself knocking him back fairly often, but genuinely has no bearing on how attractive I find him at all!

Tidy the house, sort the laundry, shop and cook for dinner and offer her a no-expectations-of-sex massage and repeat...

Oh and ask her how's she's feeling about life and REALLY LISTEN!!

I totally agree with boymum9

I'm sure I'm not the only woman not getting enough at home to have strayed. It annoys me to hear it's always the womans fault.

My Uncle used to ask my Aunt if she " fancied a cup of tea and a carry on!"

A few tips regarding Frightfullness

After a day at home cleaning and taking care of the children, I always collapse into bed and that's the least time of day that I would feel like sex.

My DH and I have agreed that we want/ need more romance so it's not just a 'do you want sex now' question out of nowhere...

So we have committed to one evening a week out... maybe take her out regularly? What's her favourite date? Where does she love going out? Start with these maybe, and maybe you'll end with more of a sex life?

definitely disagree that you're in the wrong relationship, there are tough times and easier times to have the energy to commit sorting these things out and it's a common problem when the kids are young...

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate you taking time to reply.

Calling your partner a perv isn't very nice is it though. That seems to be her way at keeping you at bay....because I don't know how one still wants sex after being called pervy. It would put me right off.

Is it something to do with how you touch her? Do you grab or grope?

Try not initiating at all for as long as possible... but don't be sulky about it. See if that makes a difference to her desire for you. Keep yourself looking good/fit and I'm sure she'll soon start initiating for fear you've found someone else.

Women have a way of being interested in sex, if they think their OH is not interested in it with them.

I was working with a guy in your position. I suggested he didnt initiate and after about 3 months his wife wasn't happy at all. Asked why he hadnt wanted sex and accused him of having an affair. Not that she actually wanted it with him .. but she wanted him to want her just to deny him. He told her he was just fed up of being constantly rejected and made to pretty much beg for it.

SandyY2K did it do any good for their relationship because it didn't sound too promising where you left it!

OP here is a male perspective on this. First of all please do not just stop initiating with no other discussion as it will come across as passive agressive and potentially hurtful. You need to discuss away from the bedroom honestly and openly.

I speak from experience as DW and I (been together for 14 years married for 8) are similar in that I almost always initiate. A while ago I just got fed up and stopped. It didn't make her initiate and after a few months our relationship was in general suffering. Eventually after an unrelated argument we had a proper talk and we realised that we did have slightly different expectations, that being a mum of small kids had affected her sex drive negatively and, most importantly of all, she generally enjoyed me initiating and it really turned her on when she was in the mood but was a bit annoying when not. We agreed steps to make sure we stayed intimate outside the bedroom and I have accepted that I will initiate the vast majority of the time because it makes my wife happy (and I don't really care how it starts tbh!) and that sometimes I'm going to get knocked back as a result.

Wise words Daddystepdaddy. I told my wife four years ago that I would stop initiating as I was sick of the rejection. It didn't work too well and we now down to once or twice a year at her initiation.

She seems happy, but I'm not and the sex is shit, for me anyway!

So it can go both ways for this strategy.

For me the initiation needs to start before bed. There is nothing less likely to put me in the mood than DH sat on his phone all night, not even a kiss hello when he gets home from work then as soon as we get into bed wanting sex! I'm not asking for flowers every night, cooking and a massage. Just a quick hug when he walks past me in the kitchen or a bit of closeness in the evening makes me far more likely to initiate it myself and much more receptive to his advances

After 9 years you should just be able to chat and say how you feel, if she calls you pervy I'd just say 'that's not fair, I don't think it's pervy to want to be intimate with someone I love and find attractive'. When I say chat, I mean just say you'd like to be intimate one day soon not put any pressure on (like saying right this minute) or saying the ins and outs of what you'd like to do. It sounds unromantic but I found that after quite a few years together, open conversations about sex are a good way to keep in on the table and not get forgotten about. My dh will just talk to me and i don't find it pervy as he's always respectful in the way he brings it up.

I have been on both sides of this, so will give you my personal experience. I used to virtually do and say the same to an ex however I had fallen out of love with him and loved him like a brother or best friend, I wasn’t in love with him anymore. Whenever he asked why, I told him I was tired, worn out from the kids or other excuses etc, I just wasn’t brave enough to tell him the truth. I did when I realised I was being unfair, tell him the truth about six months later.

I eventually married someone else and we have a great marriage however he has adhd and that brings about it’s own problems with emotions/relationships and also the fact that we have mismatched sex drives, funnily enough I have the higher sex drive now and only now do I realise it’s not always down to having a high/low drive, it’s about who you’re with, it was for me anyway.

My point being I have done the talking, initiating, massage, etc etc and it’s not about that, if the feelings aren’t there, they are not there for a reason and I’m not saying it’s because she doesn’t love you/fancy you, I’m saying as an example, just because you haven’t done the dishes doesn’t make her not want to have sex with you, however it could be the resentment that’s built up from that, that’s stopping her.

Try couples counselling, we did and we went not to focus on the actual act of sex but to communicate about it, we still have different sex drives but we are on the same page now.

I agree that the initiation needs to start early in the evening - along with pulling your weight with chores etc. I would get enraged when DH would shake me awake as I was dozing off asking if I was keen when he had spent the evening playing games and doing sweet fa. Oddly enough the answer was always no. When this was hinted at early and he had pulled his weight around the house he got a more positive response.

I am the higher drive partner. Granted my DPs sex drive isnt low either, and we dont have DC! I just remain at a low level of touchy, and look out for any signals he is interested. He knows that me touching him or kissing, etc, doesnt mean I am trying to have sex with him (although I will if he will). I think its important to have a foundation of being tactile, etc. If your DP thinks you are only flirting, kissing, touching, for sex.....then she will want that to stop. Its too much pressure. And it will not end well! If you can enjoy it (its not teasing- you get used to it and you are capable of dissipating the frustration yourself at a later date..), then you can just carry on as usual and every now and again when DP isnt exhausted and touched out, things might go somewhere.

I do agree calling you a perv isnt very nice. I get its a light hearted term, but after enough times thats hurtful. But I dont know what youre doing for her to say that, so.

Same for cricketmum here, being ignored all day and then expected to immediately warm up to the idea once in bed doesn't really do much for my self esteem. Ask me about my day/help me with the kids/speak to me instead of stare at the iPad and I might feel more up for it..

Do you only ever approach her physically for sex? Because that is a huge turn off.

Hugs, kisses, touches, without the pressure for sex are important parts of a relationship and a turn on.

Be physically warm, with no expectations, and then wait to see if she responds in a sexual or non-sexual way,

I also wonder if my zero tolerance to cheating makes her feel secure and therefore no need to put any effort it.

Oh come on now....

If this was a woman posting the answers would be so different..

I always made excuses when I was with my husband, truth of it was I didn't want to be with him any more and didn't know how to tell him.