Advice needed outside perspective. Long post.

[fluffytowel]

Very long post (and first post ever) I'm sorry but I need advice.

I have 2 children (5 and 2) from a previous marriage and have been with BF since October 2016.

Things have always been good and we live together now. He still has a flat from a previous relationship that is up for sale. He's quite a quiet guy and can give one word..yes/ no answers at times. He has things he finds really annoying (chewing loudly, apparently i breathe wrong as well as I "whistle", tapping etc) I sometimes feel to family that his quietness and answers can sometimes come across quite rude at times and I try to overcompensate.

He can be very strict with my 5 year old in particular and picks him up/ punishes him for things I necessarily wouldn't. But when I talk to him about it he either goes in a bit of a mood or gives me a totally different perspective of what has happened.

Last month we had a massive argument (result of a child free night and too much wine I won't lie) and I was horrible I'll be honest and I thought he was going to leave. We discussed it and I've been on my "best behaviour " so to speak since. Today I finished for my holidays for summer from work, he finishes on Thursday. I had a fruit spritzer thing in the fridge and he asked if we wanted to share it, my response was "yeah I'm off tomorrow!" And he went in a complete mood. "Omg I know you've said already today it's so annoying" etc etc

Worst part was I obviously made a face and he brought up what had happened before along the lines of "oh here we go again, back to your usual self, rolling eyes, nice to have you back" etc now there's been times in the past where he has been out of order but to my knowledge I've never brought it up again in that way.

I told him he had over reacted and he just wouldn't listen, it's my fault for saying I'm off.

I constantly feel like I'm with someone whose always in a "mood" with no known reason. I'm very aware of not trying to annoying him by moving my foot while watching tv/ if I'm eating crisps I get this look cause the "crunch" is too loud etc

But on the other hand he is very good with especially my 2 year old, he dotes on him. I don't feel as if he has the same patience with my 5 year old but he takes him to football training and things and they talk sports and cars and dinosaurs and all things a 5 year old likes.

I don't know what to do. If I ask the question "am I happy?" I honestly don't know. I don't know if I'm bad for the relationship, if he is or if we're both stubborn and bad for each other. I feel as if we argue a lot, he doesn't.

If I had to split up with him the thought of it has tears flowing down my cheeks just now as I worry for my boys who are attached to him and also when we're good we're really good but when things are bad they just seem really bad.

What would you do? Stay together and just accept it's a bad time again and wait for things to get better/ try to talk about it, he's hard to talk to quite closed off and doesn't like those type of discussions/ split up and take the hit with the kids and focus on them and me on a fresh start? Any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you. I just need an outside perspective.

Honestly if you are afraid to make too much noise eating crisps in your own home this is not a relationship based on mutual respect and trust.

If he is this way with you it will soon progress to your children.

If he is emotionally controlling he may Eventually become physically controlling.

As the child of an easily antagonised man who had us living always on eggshells, please please please do not subject your children to this kind of emotional tightrope in their own homes

Sometimes I try to think about things differently and ask myself a couple of questions.
What advice would you give to a friend if it was them in that situation?
Would you want your child to treat someone like that or be treated like that?
I kinda feel like you may have made your decision but youre maybe just not brave enough to admit it xx

Personally I couldn't live like that, treading on eggshells all the time, worrying whether he was going to be sarcastic or kick off. Worrying whether I'm crunching my crisps too loudly ffs! He needs to understand this behaviour could be a deal breaker. He needs to change but I don't know how. You can't carry on like this long term, and I'd be particularly worried about the older ds.

My ex was like this. I breathed too loudly, he could hear me chew, every second thing I said offended him. I often had to be on my best behaviour to placate him.

Anyway. I left him. My new partner loves me just as I am. Every so often I mention something a about me that my ex found annoying / offensive... Dp just gives me this face

Please don't choose to live like this op. There are 3.5 billion men on this planet. Find one who's nice to you. Take it from me x

Please don't stay with him for the kids. He's already favouring one of them - that's toxic and bad for both of them.

He punishes your child in ways you don't want him to but won't talk to you about it. That's not mutually agreed parenting - that's him being a bully - to your child and to you.

He's picking on you for unreasonable things. You should be able to eat crisps as loudly as you like in your own home.

Get away from this man, focus on your DC.

Please don't stay with him for the DC. He's not good for them. They need you. A happy version of you, who can eat crisps as loud as you like, with joy!

It'll suck at first, but it's like pulling a plaster off, you just know you have to do it and it'll be better in the long run.

Good luck. Keep talking, we will support you.

He is not the right man for you or your children for that matter. Focus now on getting away from this bullying man and giving your kids and you a fresh start. I would also reassess your boundaries in relationships.

BTW is this current man similar to your ex husband?. If yes it may well be that you have gone from one type of abusive man to simply another, albeit different, but abusive all the same.

A red flag here amongst many from him (his behaviours towards you are also Red Flag Central) is he actively favouring your youngest child over your eldest. This will also cause problems between your two boys; this cannot be at all tolerated by you.

Do not stay within such a relationship for the sake of these children, they are not going to say "thanks mum" for being with such a man and they could wonder of you why you were weak and put him first if you chose to stay with him at all.

Oh my, how can you even live like this?? Not being able to breathe without being 'annoying'! He expects you to modify how you eat fricking crisps but won't even acknowledge that he's far too pernicketty about everything. This is not normal. Get out.

Yes, I thought that re your youngest, as Attila has said. Perhaps he finds the youngest dc easier to control? But it's not good that he treats them differently.

As to what would I do in your shoes? I would leave, and be on my own with my boys for a while. You are walking on eggshells, you can't breathe, you can't eat a certain way for fear of putting him in a mood. He is making all this about blaming you, so you think the problem is with you.

You are not compatible, and in trying to 'correct' yourself you are giving out a dangerous message to your children about relationships, that if you are good and you behave and don't annoy the other person then you are worthy of love and good treatment.

If I can’t hear the tv due to dh eating, I turn on the subtitles. Easy.

This is not a good lesson to be teaching your boys. Mummy is always in the wrong and must change everything to make me happy. If she doesn’t I am allowed to be as nasty as I want to make her.

I have misophonia and can't bear people chewing but I just take myself away from them if I can.

Your children need to come first and you can't have them walking on eggshells because of some man.

"Do not stay within such a relationship for the sake of these children, they are not going to say "thanks mum" for being with such a man and they could wonder of you why you were weak and put him first if you chose to stay with him at all."

^This. My mum is still with my nasty, bigoted, controlling, emotionally abusive stepdad. My sis was the favourite, I was the scapegoat. I had a good childhood, but he made my teenage years pretty shit. They threw me out when I was 15 (sent to live full time with my dad). My mother and I don't have the kind of relationship I'd have liked, they're often together when not working, and I can't tolerate him for long. I think she thinks she made her bed now has to lie in it, now they own a home together etc. He's not the worst, but God I wish she'd had the strength to thow him out, and put us first, when he started being a fuckwit.

I would end this without thinking twice, OP. This man isn't compatible with you and isn't good for your boys. And in future relationships, think long and hard about moving someone in and involving them with your children -- you haven't even been together two years. Many people wouldn't have introduced a new boyfriend to young children until they'd been a couple for eighteen months or so.

If you've been together two years he's known your youngest since he was a tiny tiny baby and maybe thinks he can 'mould' him into being the person he wants him to be? At five, your eldest will have definite ideas and be challenging being told what to do all the time, and therefore 'difficult'.

You shouldn't ever have to feel you have to be 'on your best behaviour' in order to earn love from a man. He either loves you as you are or he doesn't love you. He shouldn't love the woman he thinks he can change you into.

I can't help reading a real undercurrent of fear coming from your post and that's really disturbing. I don't mean the kind of fear that makes you think you're going to die, I mean the kind of fear that makes you doubt everything about yourself and who you are. The kinds that destroys you slowly, ebbing away all your confidence and leaving you a nervous wreck, unable to move a toe over the "line" for fear of upsetting this delicate little flower of a "man".

Maybe he ought to move out so you can actually enjoy your own home without the storm cloud sat in the corner criticising you all the time.

Thank you all. He's at work just now and I am thinking and taking on board everything you have said.

He is in no way like my ex my ex wanted the perfect little family which we had but wanted as little to do with us as he could which is why we split. I was pretty much a single mum anyway. This bf is always here and like I say takes my oldest to football, watches my 2 year old when I want to do something with 5 year old. I can go out when I want and things. He does all the cooking for us...granted I do everything else which I've spoken about before but not much has changed with regards to that. I've known my now bf for a few years before we were through my cousin, we were both in other relationships and both had ended for about 7/8months when we bumped into each other by chance at the train station after missing the same train. We went for a drink and that's been it, he's known my oldest since he was 1 through parties and was at family weddings etc due to my cousin and had known a lot of my family by face before we started dating.

I guess I'm just not sure I know there's a condition as a previous poster said about eating and noises people make where they are really sensitive about it but I just feel as if I really try but it still isn't good enough or if I forget and make the noise of a straw at the bottle of a drink I'm called "an infant" but I've never had those sensitivities so never notice it as a big deal.

The moods are just constant and if I do something wrong I always apologise and "make up" so to speak I'll get us a take away in or will arrange a wee trip out. When he does something wrong it's like expected to be brushed under the carpet and that's it. This morning after I went to bed after his mood cause I said "I'm off" he got up to go to work said bye to the boys and then said quite stiffly to me "Bye" I didn't respond and he asked if I was just ignoring him. I said it didn't matter cause I probably wouldn't be able to say "bye" correctly anyway and he just said "oh woe is me" and walked out the door and we've not spoken all day. He's due home soon and I'm prepared to have a full and frank discussion about it all. I can't go on and I don't think either of us can change. It doesn't scare me being alone, I've done it before and I can do it again. The house is mine and in my name and I work full time with a good salary so I have no issues there. I just worry that the boys will be lost but I guess my little one is so little that he won't remember much and my 5 year old will be fine with his Mummy by his side.

Thank you for being so supportive in my first post. I'll keep you updated. I didn't have anyone else to reach out to and you have helped me massively. Xx

I think you know what you have to do. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. It isn't always a matter of 'fault'.

Misophonia is a thing but if you have it it's your own issue and like the poster who has it you take steps to make it easier for yourself, you don't expect people to change how they chew. But that doesn't explain him reacting to you making comments about having a day off from work.

Children are so adaptable. That sounds trite but it's true. My two really showed me the way after I ended the relationship with their father, they just got on with it!

The absolute best thing for your boys would be to see their mother happy and relaxed.

Wow, so good to see a mum doing the best for her kids like this. Your DS will probably thank you one day if he remembers. It must be so horrible for some children to have parents who choose partners over their own children. It makes me so sad for them.

He sounds like an arse
If you can't even eat a bag of crisps without him rolling his eyes at you then its just not worth it

Good luck to you, OP.

Sending you strength. Sounds like he just wants a woman so there is someone to be in the wrong.

Wow. You have three kids. The oldest one needs to fuck off and find himself a place of his own.

He sounds like a dickhead. Dump him.

He doesn’t sound nice
Please get rid

boys who are attached to him

This is honestly no reason to stay in a relationship with someone who has told you you breathe too noisily. Especially since he appears to already be playing favourites with the younger child. For that reason alone, i would be looking for my own place.

if I do something wrong I always apologise and "make up" so to speak

How often does he apologise for his moods, or for favouring the younger, complaining about things you do?

As PP said, what would you say to a daughter, sibling, friend, anyone on MN who described your story? You might try being a little brisker when he complains in future, saying never mind instead of apologising as if he were somehow the ultimate arbiter of what is right and wrong. See how much he likes you when you are not rushing to placate him?