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Original poster

What to do about DS father and grandparents?

33 replies

11Tryingmybest11 · 26/06/2018 15:21

Hello.

I am a regular poster but I have NC to avoid outing myself. I am really at a loss of what to do, I am trying to condense 4 years into one post so I will try to keep this as short as possible.

My DS was not a planned pregnancy and from the start DS father and parents were very clear on their thoughts. My DS father didn't want to keep him, his parents encouraged me to have an abortion and told me that they would 'struggle to accept a child born under these circumstances.' They were(are) very pushy with their views: anti-vaccination, anti-medication, anti-doctors, flat earth etc.

Fast forward to the breakdown of mine and DS father's relationship. He was a serious porn addict and liar. Gaslighted me constantly throughout our relationship. Emotionally abusive and blamed me for his porn addiction which I still struggle with to this day.

When we broke up he moved 3 hours away from where me and DS live. Since then contact has been very inconsistent and he is very rude and disrespectful to me. He has no interest in DS daily life, he hasn't even been to visit his nursery that he started in January. No Skype or phone calls, the only time I hear from him is as and when I try to arrange for them to see one another. He continues to be very rude and abusive to me over the phone.

A recent example, he was very resistant to picking up our son at 8am on Father's Day as it was an inconvenience to him. I had already made plans with my own father so the timing could not be changed. I said to him that, as I have our son 99% of the time, I don't think it too much of a big deal to ask him to collect him early on this occasion. I was told to 'put my violin away', and at that point I hung up the phone. Also whenever he does see our DS I facilitate contact by providing over night supplies, pyjamas, wipes, tooth brush, buggy etc.

I finally had enough last week and sent an email to my DS father and his parents, explaining that he needs to see our son regularly. It's not good enough to go for weeks on end without seeing or talking to him. The email I got back from his parents was extremely rude and sarcastic towards me. My DS father and his parents think they are somehow doing me a favour when they look after their own grandson?!

My concern is that these people are so reluctant to actually have a meaningful relationship with my DS, and have so much vitriol towards me that I am extremely concerned. I don't doubt for a second that they would be critical of me and my parenting choices in front of DS. It also upsets me that my DS will grow up and know that his father/grandparents make minimal effort with him. They have very out there views on the world as well, which I believe could be toxic to my DS.

Has anyone else been in this situation with the father/grandparents of their child and what was the outcome? What would you do in this scenario?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 26/06/2018 15:25

Have you got a formal (court ordered) access agreement? Child support payments?

To be honest, I'd leave the grandparents out of it - this is between you and DS's DF.

Get things formalised and if he doesn't keep his part of the agreement then he's got no one else to blame but himself.

Original poster
11Tryingmybest11 · 26/06/2018 15:28

I haven't got a formal court ordered access agreement. I don't even know how I would go about doing that. Money is very tight for me as well being a single mum, are the costs high?

I get child support but he pays me privately; not through the CMS.

The only reason I emailed DS's grandparents is because my DS father is so unreasonable. You cannot have a reasoned conversation with him at all. My DS father lives with his parents so whenever he looks after our DS he stays with them too. Hence I thought it appropriate to involve them in the situation too.

OP posts:
eyycarumba · 26/06/2018 15:36

Is cutting him out an option? It doesn't sound like their contact is in DS's best interests anyway. If he wants to see his son HE can go through court. Don't delete any emails or messages, keep a paper trail of all correspondence and go through CMS

Felicityx01 · 26/06/2018 15:39

I have had problems with my DS father and grandparents, they are very controlling and manipulative and always want DS when it's convenient for them, I had a situation that I picked up DS abit earlier from his fathers due to circumstances that came up and we got into a massive argument and haven't spoke to them since I have now blocked the grandparents number and won't be speaking to them again. OP your exs parents really shouldn't give you abuse and disrespect the mother of there grandchild I have the same treatment, they couldnt care less that about me, just communicate with the father and if he can't be bothered to try and see his son on a regular basis then it's his loss honestly! Dont chase/force him for contact he's got to be willing to do that himself! Just wait for mediation letter/solicitors letter if he cares to see his son he will make the effort and if he eventually takes you to court then so be it, it be in the best interests of your DS, hope all goes well Flowers

ihatewineandsoaps · 26/06/2018 15:42

You can't force someone to be a parent unfortunately but do you really want these people in his life? Take a massive step back, don't contact them, let them contact you and see what happens. Wouldn't surprise me if they eventually disappear out of your sons life.

Catsick36 · 26/06/2018 15:46

His relationship with his son is his responsibility not yours, you got enough on your plate. If he wants a son he will do whatever he can to have one ie move closer, ring and visit and be present with him. It doesn't sound like he wants that relationship and your son will better off with one complete loving parent than idiots that play games and don't want him. He will grow up knowing you were always there and be better off for it. Cut the loser out and get on with the life you deserve without him.

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 26/06/2018 15:50

You can’t make an application to court to force him to have contact.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/06/2018 15:51

I wouldn't force the contact. If he has so little interest in your son, what good is it doing? If the grandparents equally have so little interest, what use are they?
Bad relatives are worse than no relatives, IMO. Your son will grow up with you loving him as he should be loved, and not being constantly let down by the fly-by-night sperm donor who fathered him.

It's good that he pays child support, but would he stop doing this if he stopped visiting the child? If he did, you could still go after him via CMS though.

Honestly, I would just let it go and live your life with your son. Thanks

ichifanny · 26/06/2018 15:55

Sorry I wouldn’t want people like that on my sons life , it’s good you want to facilitate a relationship but I’d leave him to it and if he seeks contact I’d negotiate it with him otherwise I’d just let it drop .

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/06/2018 15:55

Why are you facilitating any contact

Your ex either wants to see his d or he doesn't

It is not your place to force ds onto him.

Wouldn't it be better for no contact then you won't have the fallout in a few years time of battling your ds against all the drip drip drip of your inadequate parenting or worse he has been fed.

user1493413286 · 26/06/2018 15:56

I’d never tempted to stop contact until he commits to a regular routine of contact whether that’s once a week or once a month. It’s not fair on your son to have his father dip in and out of his life.
Unfortunately unless his dad changes his attitude it is going to be difficult for your DS as he grows up but all you can do is give him lots of love and reassurance from your side

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/06/2018 15:57

Hi op

I'm sorry to say this but,

The 3 of them have made themselves perfectly clear about what they don't want and how they feel. Said with kindness lovely your not listening to them.

Because you cannot believe they mean it, you have caused you yourself a lot of hurt and anxiety, trying to force a relationship they don't want.

If and when your son is old enough he will pick up on all of it, including your hurt,
The best thing you can do is step away, and be the mum I'm sure you are already being. These people are toxic but they were at least honest.

When people tell you who they are you have to listen 💐

S0upertrooper · 26/06/2018 16:01

Give yourself a break pet and stop running after these people. Make life easier for yourself and put yourself and your DS first. If they want your DS in their lives they should make more effort and start being more respectful of you. If I were you I would go NC with the GPs and communicate on a need to know basis with your DS's F.

Interesting that the GFs are anti Doctor except when it comes to terminations. Your situation sounds horrible, take care of yourself x

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 26/06/2018 16:01

Block
Delete
Move on
You are wasting your precious time chasing losers.
Enjoy your ds.
He really isn't missing out.
1 fab parent is all that's needed.

SparkleMotions · 26/06/2018 16:05

I agree with other posters here, your DS' family are making it abundantly clear they aren't interested in his life (what kind of Father and GP's treat a child like an inconvenience? ) you've tried your best OP to try and facilitate a relationship, but they aren't bothered, time to cut contact I think, this kind of inconsistent contact won't do your DS any good in the long run. Leave that 'family' to their pathetic little lives and concerntrate on yourself and your little boy, he doesn't need people like that in his life!

Iloveacurry · 26/06/2018 16:07

They’re obviously not interested. I assume you make all the effort and contact him/them to make arrangements. If you just didn’t bother, what would happen? He wouldn’t see them. If they want to see him, let them make the effort. They sound awful anyway.

NoProbLlama78 · 26/06/2018 16:10

Agreed, leave him to it. If he wants to see his son he can chase you.
With regards to the grand parents, the antivax and anti medication would worry me too. Would they look after him if he was left in their care and he needed calpol or the dr? I definitely wouldn't chase them for contact.

swingofthings · 26/06/2018 16:12

1 fab parent is all that's needed.
Not it certainly isn't true. You might not like your ex or his parents, but ultimately, you had a child with him and you owe your child to give him a chance to have a bond with his father and family however much you don't agree on things.

What you need to do is indeed go to court. It won't cost you much at all. Get set days and times and be prepared to stick to them. Sometimes it won't be practical for you and sometimes not for him but that's how it is. You need to work together to stop bickering like kids and only care about proving one is a better parent than the other.

Don't involve his parents, it has nothing to do with them. Communicate with your ex and give him every opportunities to be a decent dad. If he doesn't take them, then at least you can move on knowing that you really tried all you can to give your child a sense to have a relationship with his dad. Remember, your baby won't always be so, and one day, he will ask questions and potentially ask you to justify your actions and decisions.

EsmeeMerlin · 26/06/2018 16:14

Stop trying to force him to take your ds, you won’t help your ds in the long run. If he does not want to be a parent then there is nothing you can do. Stop contacting him and if he wants to see your ds then he can contact you. Don’t make the arrangements for him.

GeorgeTheHippo · 26/06/2018 16:15

As has been said upthread, she can't go to court. He can, if he wants contact. But she can't take him to court to make him spend time with the child.

pinkbraces · 26/06/2018 16:17

I dont understand why you would want to pursue access with someone who clearly has no interest in his son.

Move on, block all contact and have a great life.

CourtneyLovely · 26/06/2018 16:49

I agree, just carry on without him. When your DS is old enough to ask where his father is you can honestly say that you always made contact available. Get on with your life and enjoy your baby, the only person missing out is his father.

Bekabeech · 26/06/2018 17:05

Sorry but the best solution may be for your DS to have no contact.

Any contact should be instigated by his father, or grandparents. Otherwise just ignore them. (If you can keep a vague idea of where they are that might be helpful in the future.)

Court ordered contact will only say when you need to make your son available for contact, there is nothing anyone can do to make his father step up and parent.

And as someone who grew up without contact with my father from 2 - it really doesn't have to be harmful. Its better than rows, sniping, bad mouthing. Even better if you can bring yourself to pass on bits of information about that "other family" when asked.

NC4Now · 26/06/2018 17:19

Leave it for them to initiate contact. My guess is they won’t, but better just the two of you than the emotional upheaval for you and your son of trying to force something that isn’t there.
They know where to find you if they want to make the effort.

Lizzie48 · 26/06/2018 17:20

I agree that there's no point pushing for contact, they have made it very clear that they're not interested in your DS. It sounds as if he'll be better off without them in his life.

It's better to have no contact with toxic parents or grandparents. My own father was abusive and he did untold damage to my DSis and me, and our brother. My DM wasn't all that much of a mother either. She did love us, I don't doubt that but she loved us, but she herself was too damaged to be able to properly nurture us. (My F emotionally abused her, I can see that now.)

It's not necessarily the case that a child needs both parents. One loving parent is better than two toxic parents.