What to do about DS father and grandparents?

[11Tryingmybest11]

Hello.

I am a regular poster but I have NC to avoid outing myself. I am really at a loss of what to do, I am trying to condense 4 years into one post so I will try to keep this as short as possible.

My DS was not a planned pregnancy and from the start DS father and parents were very clear on their thoughts. My DS father didn't want to keep him, his parents encouraged me to have an abortion and told me that they would 'struggle to accept a child born under these circumstances.' They were(are) very pushy with their views: anti-vaccination, anti-medication, anti-doctors, flat earth etc.

Fast forward to the breakdown of mine and DS father's relationship. He was a serious porn addict and liar. Gaslighted me constantly throughout our relationship. Emotionally abusive and blamed me for his porn addiction which I still struggle with to this day.

When we broke up he moved 3 hours away from where me and DS live. Since then contact has been very inconsistent and he is very rude and disrespectful to me. He has no interest in DS daily life, he hasn't even been to visit his nursery that he started in January. No Skype or phone calls, the only time I hear from him is as and when I try to arrange for them to see one another. He continues to be very rude and abusive to me over the phone.

A recent example, he was very resistant to picking up our son at 8am on Father's Day as it was an inconvenience to him. I had already made plans with my own father so the timing could not be changed. I said to him that, as I have our son 99% of the time, I don't think it too much of a big deal to ask him to collect him early on this occasion. I was told to 'put my violin away', and at that point I hung up the phone. Also whenever he does see our DS I facilitate contact by providing over night supplies, pyjamas, wipes, tooth brush, buggy etc.

I finally had enough last week and sent an email to my DS father and his parents, explaining that he needs to see our son regularly. It's not good enough to go for weeks on end without seeing or talking to him. The email I got back from his parents was extremely rude and sarcastic towards me. My DS father and his parents think they are somehow doing me a favour when they look after their own grandson?!

My concern is that these people are so reluctant to actually have a meaningful relationship with my DS, and have so much vitriol towards me that I am extremely concerned. I don't doubt for a second that they would be critical of me and my parenting choices in front of DS. It also upsets me that my DS will grow up and know that his father/grandparents make minimal effort with him. They have very out there views on the world as well, which I believe could be toxic to my DS.

Has anyone else been in this situation with the father/grandparents of their child and what was the outcome? What would you do in this scenario?

I agree that you trying to organise and force contact may not be in DS's best interests.

Solo parenting can be very hard. You mentioned something about having DS 99% of the time - is part of your wish for him to be more involved, so that you can have a break? That's entirely fair enough, 24/7 with children and no support would do my head in a bit!

But maybe he's not the best person to be giving you a break. Can you commit to putting some of the maintenance aside for you to have a babysitter every week? To go out for lunch or just a library for two hours (or all day if you can afford it). I rate the app Bubble; or find other parents / single parents that you can exchange childcare with.

Why are you bothering any of them? You'd be best raising your son by yourself, because he clearly has no interest in him.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I've had a look into court proceedings and you are correct, it couldn't be used to force DS father into seeing him (which I wouldn't want to do anyway). It also mentions that you have to go to mediation which he would not agree to, given that he lives 3 hours away and also doesn't particularly care.

The only time I talk to DS father is when I am trying to arrange for them to see one another. All of their time together is instigated by me. I am going to go no contact and let him message me when(if) he wants to be involved. At the moment we have got an agreement in place that he sees him every month on a set date. Inevitably that will fall through and he won't stick to it as parties, social occasions are always his 'valid' excuses for bailing out.

I am very lucky that I have a supportive network of family around me and I get at least an evening off every week. What I meant by the 99% of the time is that I either have my son or my family does. No involvement from him or his family.

It makes me heartbroken for my DS. But from the responses on here (and what I reluctantly already knew) there is nothing I can do about it. I just need to make it the best for my son that I possibly can.

I can see you now realise that you can’t force this man into the role of dad. I would consider myself lucky in this situation. You have 100% authority over your child. So many mums would give anything to have the father not create all the upset over visiting, boyfriends, their girlfriends, going on h9liday, constantly threatening to go for full residency etc. Count your blessings, your child is surrounded by love, that’s far more important than a feckless father.

I'd let it peter out. You're better off without these people abusing you and dripping poison in your son's ear when he's there for visits.

It's really sad and it's not what you want for your son. But you can't do this for him (your ex). I think you're making the only decision you can.

I'm really glad to hear you have support. Your son has you and a wider family network, that's great for him.

Honestly, some of the stories on here of the abusive, stalkery, narcissistic exes, choosing to damage kids to get back at mums are so disturbing. I also think a distant useless father is definitely not the worst thing to happen to a child.

I think you are lucky that he isn't bothered about contact - he sounds an absolute loser and very manipulative too - if he wanted contact you'd have even more problems.

I'd try to meet someone else and have your child think of him as a father rather than that waste of space.