Background: Me and DH married 6 years. I have two DC (DD12 and DS20 from previous marriage, He has DSS17 from previous marriage. We are all living together except DS20 who is at Uni)
DSS17 is hard work and has been for a long time. His DM is not very present in his life due to her alcoholism. I have been in his life since he was 8. He is naturally loud and aggressive and as an only child has been very used to getting his own way. His DF can see no wrong in him but over the years he has stolen posessions of DD and DS and lied repeatedly, been aggressive, bullied and is generally quite nasty. His DF sees none of this behaviour and won't hear a word against him. Over the years I have tried everything to make life easier for him as I am the only mother figure he has on a day to day basis. There is no warmth from him towards me whatsoever. I kept thinking he would mellow out but at 17 there are even less signs of things changing. He exhibits abusive traits, gaslighting etc. A recent example is he recently broke his headphones and tried to take DD's saying they were his and that she had stolen his. He has done this before so I try and buy several pairs but they have a different 'jack' to the ones that I can buy in different colours. He became aggressive and got in my face about the headphones because I wouldn't let him take DDs. He swore hers were his and she had stolen them. I was shaking all day because of his aggression. When I got home his headphones were on the side where he's left them. He did not apologise. He never does.
My Dh is warm, funny, kind and loving and other than his blindness towards his son, generally there haven't been too many problems.
Me and DD are quiet people by nature. She is doing well at school and is popular but is reaching her teenage years so is getting a bit mouthy. I am under no illusions that she is an angel whatsoever. No child is and mine are certainly no exception.
On Friday I was ill so DH picked them both up from school and college. When they got in he said they had been fighting. It turned out that because I usually collect them DD was looking for me and couldn't see me. When they finally saw her she was a bit panicky. DSS had a driving lesson so had a go at DD for being late. She said she didn't realise I wasn't collecting. DSS called her a string of names and she asked him to stop. He didn't and DH said nothing. She tapped DSS with her hand which she acknowledges she shouldn't have done. DSS then slapped her hard twice. She sat there crying and asked DH why he was letting her get hit and he told her that she deserved it as she's slapped first and called her a thick twat.
When she told me this I went nuts at him saying that I know she shouldn't have slapped first, but there is a big difference between the slap of a 12 year old girl and that slap of a 17 year old boy (he is 6ft 1 for reference) and that it should never have escalated to that.
DH said he had raised 4 DC now (his ex had a child from former marriage) and DD was "the most feral cunt' he had ever come across. He said as I had never liked DSS my opinion was worthless.
I packed some stuff and DD and I drove to my DM and have been here since. It is in another town 2 hours away and she is currently not in school. No contact from DH other that to say he would leave a key for me to pick up stuff if I needed it. My head is fucked. I love him so much but don't know if this can be retrieved. DD says she doesn't want to go back and I don't blame her. I love DH but don't think I can trust him with my DD any more. And I don't trust DSS with her either. I am 47 and facing starting again . I have no job, no money. I'm feeling the weight of responsibility bearing down. I haven't told anyone else.Sorry for the essay.