Terrible Mum if I leave my non abusive nice husband that I don’t love?

[Lornesausage1]

That’s it really. Been together for 10 years and married for 2. We have an 18 month old. He’s a nice person and a good dad but very lazy and can’t communicate about his emotions at all really. I’m only 32 but feel 30 years older. All I do is work and clean. I manage everything to do with the house as well as all finances, paperwork etc. I work full time too and feel horribly guilty for barely seeing my little one.

He is not a bad guy and a great dad but it I’m honest I just don’t love him...I’m not sure I ever really have.

I went back to work after mat leave 9 months ago and got really depressed. It got worse and worse.
To the point where I told him I keep thinking about running away, or worse cause I couldn’t cope. He just kept ignoring me as I don’t think he knew how to cope with it and hoped it would go away.

A month ago I told him I wanted to separate. He didn’t. We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms and I’ve told him I just can’t be that unhappy anymore. He was upset but seemed ok until he visited family to tell them.they were hysterical, in total disbelief that I could do this to our family and child. They basically said I was an awful mum for doing this and since he has become very nasty.

I said I’d try counselling so I know I’d given it a shot but I just don’t think I can I feel the way I feel.

Question is do I stay for my little one and keep our family together and I’d be fine just not in love?

Will I look back on it and think I was horribly selfish ?

Any advice would be great! X

Do the counselling!

From my own experience - I went to the counselling sure it would help my then-wife see how good and right we were together and help her re-find the love.

From my partner's experience - her ex went with exactly the same expectations as I'd had with mine.

In both cases the women knew it was over in their hearts, but went because it was the right thing to do (although my ex made me pay for it...)

What happened in both cases was that the counselor was able to take the feelings of the women about why it was over and communicate it in a gentle way that I and her ex were able to understand and accept.

And yes, if there had have been something to work with, of course they would have helped us resolve our issues as a couple. Instead they were able to see the reality and help us split up with less pain than there might otherwise have been.

What I'm saying is that I think it'll help whatever the outcome, but don't be afraid that the counselor will be determined to force you together.

Do you have an Employee Assistance programme that can put you forward for some counselling? Have you spoken to your GP? A lot of areas have women's centres that offer subsidised counselling.

Depression affects your life and perspective so much. It's difficult to make decisions with such huge impacts as this when we're feeling more or less OK (tho' most of the time, there will be emotional stuff going on) - assessing the situation when you're depressed would make it so much more difficult.

Is it your marriage or your depression

Please find a counsellor to talk it through, OP.

Trust me don't make any decisions on splitting until you are clear of depression ...you met him initially and there must have been some feelings ? Love is a fallacy it's about chemistry and caring. Don't be fooled at this time by your own doubts and fears..Do everything in your power to defend your family position otherwise you will regret it in the long term.Its not about you it's about your child you gave up that selfish right once you became a parent.end of !

Thanks for your replies. I will definitely give the counselling a go.

I know I am being selfish Ham18...I was just really struggling and had to make a change but will try make it work for the sake of my child.

Do the counselling. I’m glad people can divorce if they’re really unhappy, but I do think everything should be done to try to save a marriage, especially with children. Does he know you feel like you only work and look after the baby? What does he feel?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You cannot stay with someone whom you no longer love, you will further be the architect of your own demise if you do that to yourself. I would also argue that the root cause of your current low state is
your H and him alone due to his lack of support and you carrying all the mental load.

Counselling for your own self and without him present may be helpful to you. You in particular would be better off apart from your lazy and uncommunicative H; he is not a nice man and his family of origin's reactions say it all as well. Do not stay just because they say so; this is your life and they are not married to him.

How is he a good dad to his child if he treats you like this as well?. Its not your fault he is like this, you did not make him that way. You really do not and cannot afford to teach your child that a loveless relationship is their norm too, staying for the sake of the child rarely if ever is a good idea. Children do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken and this child is not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him.

And no you are not being selfish LorneSausage, far from it. The selfish one here is your husband.

You don't need counselling, you need him to stop being lazy and pull his weight. How eager is he to stay together when he continues to be lazy??

If he starts doing his fair share of housework etc then you'll start to feel better and supported and you may go back to loving him. And if not then you don't have to stay together. You're very young so you both have lots of time to easily rebuild your lives.

And if you split then you'd have free time when he has your child and you wouldn't have to also look after a manchild

I think you should use the counselling to express your unhappiness at his laziness - the counsellor should also be able to help him vocalise any issues he's experiencing too.

His family need to butt out and mind their own business. You are perfectly entitled to suggest splitting if you're not happy. Believe me, kids grow up better with happy single parents than miserable married ones.

Personally, I think it sounds like you already know this relationship is done. But as one of the earlier posters suggested, the counselling may actually help him accept it too (and the reasons why).

Thank you, these responses are all very helpful. In my heart I do know it is done but it's hard because he have basically grown up together and I do love him, just not in love with him and feel guilty for not sticking it out.

I do feel like I am maybe putting my feeling ahead of what is best for my child. It's so hard. The easier option is certainly to stay and just carry on.

I've told him how I feel and I have been saying for the best part of a year that he needs to support me more, not only in the house but emotionally too. I said it's unfair that just because I am a woman there is an expectation that I should do the majority. he says he agrees that that is unfair and will do more...but never does.

We also don't have any affection and I don't fancy him. But I know that isn't everything. My friend who has been with her partner for a few years told me that there love is "earth shattering" and she never gets bored of him and never stops fancying him and I just can't get that out my mind.

I guess I also expected him to fight a bit for us and nothing has changed. I don't want my little one to see me that unhappy ever again but I also don't want to split up her family and her home.

He just says we can be happy again but I just can't see how I can be when I don't love him.

Just can't believe I have ended up here :(

The best thing you can do for your child is find a way to split amicably and stay civil with each other.

The worst thing you could do is listen to PP, convince yourself you're staying in an unhappy marriage "for the child" and what you'll end up doing is raising your kid in an unhappy, resentful household and you'll give him/her a pretty bleak role model for a healthy relationship.

Absolutely go to the GP and explore the avenue of possible depression, but it sounds like a lot of what you're feeling has stemmed from a lazy husband who doesn't seem remotely supportive of your feelings.

No you shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your child, but I think getting relationship counselling to see if the marriage can be changed and made happy is the right thing to do.
If it doesn't work and you remain unhappy then at least you tried and can call time on the marriage. Give it, say, six months after counselling.

I wouldn't compare your marriage to your friend's marriage. For a start, it's probably not as 'earth shattering' as she's telling you. I present my marriage and family as being idyllic with most people I know, and we do love each other but we've had a very hard few years pushing for help for our DD1 (now 9), who has Attachment Disorder like a lot of adopted children do. We also have no sex life, partly because I've been coming to terms with my childhood abuse. We are still affectionate with each other, though.

No one's marriage can go on being 'earth shattering' all the time. It's never all hearts and flowers. You must have had some feelings for your DH initially? Otherwise, why did you marry him 2 years ago?

I really think you should explore your feelings with a therapist to help you see things clearly. You may decide at the end of it that you still want out. But if you get out of this marriage and keep looking for your friend's 'earth shattering' type of relationship, there's a good chance that you'll always end up being disappointed. Because we all have faults that annoy our partners.

Good luck with whatever decision you come to.

Well, it takes two people to save a marriage and he can do his bit pulling his weight around the house. Your bit will be going to counselling. See if you can make that pact with him.

I totally get what you mean, I'm sure it's not like that all the time. I guess I just didn't think it was supposed to be this hard and to feel this unhappy 90% of the time. But then from the outside it does seem that I "have it all" and I have this beautiful little daughter so feel incredibly selfish for even having this thoughts and ruining it all.

I knew what he was like when I married him and I had doubts at the time and should have listened to them more, I thought it was just cold feet and stress.

Thanks for the advice Lizzie and sorry to hear you are having so much to deal with at the moment, I hope things get a bit easier for you X

Go to the counseling. See what he brings to the table. I don't blame you for not feeling in love with him, esp as he is of no help to you. If he isn't willing to accept that or change then it is curtains but you definitely should give it a go.

A bit of an update. After speaking with his parents he is now spouting phrases such as "mental illness" and "emotionally abusive" (that was in reference to only saying bye this morning, albeit in quite an abrupt manner, and telling him I would speak to him later).

I can see he has a game plan (along with his parents( and I am terrified that he is going to try go for custody of my little one - citing mental health...

At my lowest point I was also drinking a bottle of wine a night, I went to the docs and asked for help and was put on anti depressants. I told him how very low I was feeling at one point too.

Will this affect my chances, could he get custody claiming I am an unfit mother? We are in Scotland.

I feel sick at the thought of this - any help appreciated! I think his parents will claim I am mentally unwell and an alcoholic X

It does sound as if he has a game plan. I think it's time for you to get some legal advice. I very much doubt if parents can claim you are an alcoholic if you are not drinking that much anymore. And as for MH issues, you sought and received help, so I can't see how they can use that against you either.

Also another reason to suggest counselling, that way you can prove (if you have to) that you are doing everything possible to save the marriage. Good luck with everything and keep posting, you will get some great support on here.

Thank you so much - I feel ill with worry. He has text me saying you were emotionally abusive to me this morning and I can tell he is trying to document things.

I'm just so terrified I will lose my child. I think it will ultimately be my word against his but people know I have been depressed recently. Wishing I had never begun this now, X

LorneSausage you need to get out of this relationship. He hasn't bothered to fight for you, he has made no effort in over a year of you being unhappy.

If you think he is documenting things, then document everything yourself too.

You need to end this marriage; his aim here is to make you suffer. All he has ever cared about here is his own self and getting his needs met. He saw the mental load as your role primarily and had no interest in helping you. He is the root cause of your problems now and has been all along.

You are married and have legal rights; establish what those are properly and with a Solicitor asap. He is going to play dirty here when it comes to you separating from him and that process has already started; he is not going to make that process at all easy for you and will remain obstructive. Many emotionally abusive men use such tactics against the mothers of their children as "punishment" for having the gall in their eyes to actually consider leaving them.

Go to your local CAB & let them talk you through the options. No-one can advise specifics without knowing all your circumstances but sounds like you addressed your issues and got treated. That's not being weak.

If you think he's getting his ducks in a row, get yours into the water & swimming too.

If you think he is documenting everything including your texts make sure whatever you text shows you as reasonable.Reply to any goady texts in a neutral way. Say you’ll try couple counselling etc. He could have a game plan or it could be his way to scare you into staying in the marriage
Meantime get legal advice but don’t tell him.

If you never loved him, why have a child with him? You have committed to him even more when you made that decision. Feelings come and go and LTRs need work. And if you never had feelings for him - I’m not sure why you committed to him in any way.
Don’t be too paranoid now - he might have a game plan, or he might just be very hurt and desperate. Be cautious, but remember for whatever reasons, you chose him at some point.

You are clearly a good mum, you are doing your best to put your child first.
He is clearly annoyed, angry (and possibly being egged on by family) which is why he is suddenly behaving as he is.
I don't think any mental health issues would be the cause of you not having custody of your child unless medical reports show you are a risk to your child. The fact you have already gained help from your GP shows you are in control of your health.
Keep all texts etc as polite and brief as possible as he will no doubt use this against you at some point.

Hope things get easier for you soon.