Terrible Mum if I leave my non abusive nice husband that I don’t love?

[Lornesausage1]

That’s it really. Been together for 10 years and married for 2. We have an 18 month old. He’s a nice person and a good dad but very lazy and can’t communicate about his emotions at all really. I’m only 32 but feel 30 years older. All I do is work and clean. I manage everything to do with the house as well as all finances, paperwork etc. I work full time too and feel horribly guilty for barely seeing my little one.

He is not a bad guy and a great dad but it I’m honest I just don’t love him...I’m not sure I ever really have.

I went back to work after mat leave 9 months ago and got really depressed. It got worse and worse.
To the point where I told him I keep thinking about running away, or worse cause I couldn’t cope. He just kept ignoring me as I don’t think he knew how to cope with it and hoped it would go away.

A month ago I told him I wanted to separate. He didn’t. We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms and I’ve told him I just can’t be that unhappy anymore. He was upset but seemed ok until he visited family to tell them.they were hysterical, in total disbelief that I could do this to our family and child. They basically said I was an awful mum for doing this and since he has become very nasty.

I said I’d try counselling so I know I’d given it a shot but I just don’t think I can I feel the way I feel.

Question is do I stay for my little one and keep our family together and I’d be fine just not in love?

Will I look back on it and think I was horribly selfish ?

Any advice would be great! X

You will NOT lose your child for having depression. IF your child is suffering as a result of an inability to cope, that's different, but you are - right now - carrying the ENTIRE LOAD of a household, your job and childcare - In addition to picking up after him.

I think you must focus squarely on the depression to get as much traction with shifting that as possible. I think that you HAVE a good reason to be depressed so it is possible that the life at home is a factor. Once you have regained a bit of control there, you may find things lift.

Depression is anger turned inwards, it's frustration at the disconnect between how your life needs to be and how it actually is, added in to powerlessness to change anything without making big changes, or changes that are beyond your control.

Depression DOES make you question the feelings you have and had for others, so it is entirely feasible that you are under the influences of the depressed brain telling you that you never loved him, when in actual fact, you very probably did. I would encourage giving yourself the benefit of the doubt on that point in particular for now. Assume that you did love him, and consider that the illness (depression IS a serious illness) may be clouding your thinking by masking your feelings.

Focus on the facts, the ones you know for sure, you can't trust the feelings for now, they are being skewed by the imbalance of chemicals due to the depression.

Make sure that you are doing all you can to combat this depression, go to the docs, get some counselling as a priority.

Your H reaction is not helpful, his family's neither. They are probably acting out of fear and rallying round, but the actual facts is that he specifically left everything to you and this has left your life arduous and unfulfilled. Resentment is terminal in a relationship.

Speak to your doc, speak to a lawyer/CAB and get to understand exactly what your situation is legally and financially as this in itself will give you a great deal of stability and feeling of strength. that will help you.

My XH was very similar, in that there I told him repeatedly over several years that I was unhappy, and why, and how things could change to make me happier - and he did little or nothing.

When it came to crunch time and we went to counselling, he cried and said that he had no idea that I was so unhappy or that a primary cause of my unhappiness was his own behaviour. And I was incredulous, after all the texts and conversations and emails and letters. It was as if I'd not bothered with a single word.

There comes a point, IMO, where ongoing and wilful ignorance tips over into emotional abuse.

Thanks for your replies.

Can I ask what the outcome was for you ChaChaChaCh4nges? Did you have kids involved?

Thanks X

We split. The counselling was prompted by my unhappiness but opened up a huge can of worms that meant I lost all respect for him.

That was in 2015 when our DCs were 7, 5 and 4.

I’m much happier now, and the DCs are thriving. XH remains an active (albeit somewhat self-centred) father. I think it’s fair to say that at the time they would have much preferred us to stay together, but that they’re happier now than they were when we were together. It helps enormously that XH and I remain civil and even friendly in front of them, because it’s what’s best for them.

Did things ever get nasty? The big problem here for me is his family, they are very unpleasant, have never like me and very manipulative. Despite not being involved in his life or their grandchild's life at all, they are determined to make my life a misery it seems. This is where the terms like "emotional abuse" are coming from. It terrifies me what they would be capable of and how much they can manipulate him.

Glad everything worked out in the end for you ChaCha and you are happier! X

Wishing I hadn't put the "nice" in the title now!

You're right, OP, he actually doesn't sound very nice at all, he's treated you badly. and his family are horrible. Your DC really shouldn't be exposed to any of this. The way your depression has been used against you is downright vile. Being depressed does NOT make you a bad mum. You sound like a very good mum, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Thank you for your kind words earlier. I need to take my own advice actually.